Jane's Posts

June 28 1998

My daughter, 15, has been going through some tough times judgement-wise and this culmulated in her being arrested for shoplifting two weekends ago.

[snip]

She is grounded from all activities which might take her out of my sight and she has accepted this gracefully, also.

The problem is that she wants to go to a concert at the end of July that I would have to go to also since it is out of town. We would be taking one of her 'responsible' friends.

[snip]

Part of me wants to give her the benefit of the doubt but I have done that in the past with continuing disasters. Part of me wants to go ahead with plans because of the grief that she will create if she can't go and my fear that she may just take off.

That's all, folks. Any advice would be appreciated.

I actually was just in this situation! My 15 yo was not arrested, though.

I grounded her from phone, tv, going out, etc. for a month. It was worse for me than it was for her. I don't know how you will take it for more than a month. I wish I had included more work as part of her punishment.

If the concert is at the end of July, you have plenty of time to let her earn the reprieve. Why don't you tell her that you will take her as long as she does all the yard work/dishes/laundry for a month? That way you won't feel like you are being hustled. It makes the decision hers. Just make sure your terms include her doing the job without having to be reminded 16 times.

jane

June 27 1998

The 'cure' for misbehavior in toddlers is NEVER just words -- it is 'NO' accompanied by physical restraint, isolation, or other clear physical message. The reason we see so many socially retarded children today is because too many parents believe you can manage toddlers with words.

Probably what you meant i.e. 'No' plus action -- but just wanted to reinforce it. Older kids can often be disciplined with words -- but only if as toddlers they have been disciplined with firm consistent action.

I didn't find this to be true. Usually, if I made eye contact with my daughter and spoke firmly, she got the message. Not that this necessarily solved the problem the first time. Why do you say there must be a physical component?

jane

June 25 1998

There were some problems in there...not sure about the jealously deal but problems did exist. What sucks is that we had those figured out, as a couple we were moving in the right direction...now this...

I think it is her fear of the responsibility involved with being a mother figure...but I think she is fearing that too early on in my opinion-yes it will happen but right now shouldn't she just be hangin' out with us and forming a relationship with her? Sure if we get married then the responsibility kicks in and actually a bit before that, like during the engagement period...maybe it's not workable I don't really know-it depends on what she's willing to put in and what I am willing to put up with I guess...no, if she continues to be uncomfortable around my son and if she can't handle the responsibility involved I will have to end the relationship and that will be too bad.

If I were your gf, I would be worrying about it now. I would be furious with myself if I let myself get involved with you and your son and then realized that I didn't really want to be a wife and mother. Especially if I did not feel ready for children. I would feel unfair and irresponsible "building a relationship" if I did not feel confident that it would last.

She has a responsibility NOW to treat you and your son fairly. She doesn't want to lead you on. It would be cruel to let your son grow to love her then leave. If she's worth it, why don't you wait? Give her some time to get used to the idea and decide what she wants to do with her life. I didn't catch whether you were CP, but either way, she would be making a huge commitment.

jane

June 25 1998

My son visits his father (who lives with his S/O) once a month for a one week period each month. He will be starting school in September so the week long visits will stop, however, we still have a problem to deal with now.

I actually get along well with my ex and his S/O. Actually, I get along better with the S/O. The problem we are having is that my ex refuses to discipline our son at all. His girlfriend tries to do a great job with my son while he's visting but my son now realizes that his dad won't back her up on anything so he runs around doing what he wants and gets away with it. He refuses to listen to her because he knows dad won't punish him! This is making life difficult for everyone involved. My son is starting to resent his dads girlfriend because she is the one who does all the disciplining. He comes home from his vists and acts like a monster! Anytime I try to discipline him I hear "well my dad wouldn't yell at me for that", etc. He won't listen to a word I say and is VERY fresh. After about 2 weeks or so he starts getting back to normal and then poof it's time to go to dads again.

I have spoken to the S/O about this and she agree's with me that the lack of discipline on dads part is a huge problem. It is making her life hell with my son as well as mine. I have had a long talk with dad a few months back about this. I asked him to sit down with his S/O and try to work out some plan to make it as though they are both doing the disciplining. He said he understood the problem and he would talk to her. She said he never even mentioned it! Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get dad to step up and be a father instead of a friend? It's especially not fair to my son and I feel so bad for him! Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks.

How about if you BD and SO all sit down with your son and discuss it. If they live forever away, you could try doing it by conference call or fax. Actually, maybe you should talk with the adults first, then gang up on your son. Let him have input on the rules and the rewards/consequences. Try to get his agreement to your extended parenting plan.

I figure your son is confused and resentful because he doesn't know what the rules are. I am sure there is a huge amount of common ground among you three (or four) adults. If you list all the obvious stuff like brushing teeth and washing hands before dinner, and it will give your son the impression that you agree on a million things. These may seem like petty little issues to us, but they are rules that your son lives by (and probably disagrees with).

I figure your ex will agree to lots of things in theory. He just does not want to enforce them in practice. Once you have agreed on basic guidelines, you and SO don't have to take all the heat for enforcing them. Dad agreed; it's right there in black and white. Of course, you'll still be the ones to say, "Tommy, that's a swear word, go take a time out" or whatever.

jane

June 25 1998

Hi. New here. My ex has a new girlfriend (live-in) and I would like some tips on how to be able to talk to her about my daughter who will be visiting them for 6 weeks this summer. My ex and I cannot speak to each other unfortunately, and I'm sure I've been badmouthed to this woman, but I would like to be able to talk to her once in a while regarding my daughter and her summer since I can't talk to the ex. Thank You!

I would cheerfully kiss the ground that my ex's SO walks on. When my ex and I could not speak to each other without our blood pressure skyrocketing, she just quietly took over as intermediary. She gradually assumed responsibility for all the negotiation over visitation. Where he would have called and said, "Make sure she brings her bathing suit," she said, "We want to take her to a pool. Should we buy her a bathing suit, or do you have one she likes to wear?" And if she needed a new swimsuit, SO would send it back to my house! I swear, the woman is a saint.

After a while, my ex and I started to get along fine. We started to think of each other as reasonable people again. In retrospect, I see that she taught us how to treat each other with dignity and respect.

I am not sure how this works in reverse. In the beginning, she always seemed to be calling to offer to do me a favor. Maybe you could call (when you know ex won't be there) and ask if there is anything special she would like you to send with your daughter. Then call and ask if there is any medical info they need. Then call and let them know that your daughter has developed an allergy to eggs. I think it is good to leave a pleasant message on the answering machine. Address mail to both of them.

I guess I am saying that you should gradually expose her to the real you. Give her something to counteract your ex's calumny. Be pleasant, helpful, and brief. Never criticize your ex to her. Never criticize her to your daughter. Never tell her what to do in her home. Spend some time thinking about what she would find helpful to know about your daughter. Have some compassion for the woman who ended up with the pitiful excuse for a man who is now your ex.

You could send a list of factual information that SO might need, like your daughter's best friend's address and phone number. If I were a new step, I would really appreciate your sending your daughter's favorite toy, books, videos.

I think the single most important thing my ex's SO did was trust me. She acted as though, she was sure she would find a reasonable person on the other end of the phone. There was no way she got that from my ex.

jane

June 23 1998

Okay...stepson has just arrived. He's here for a month and something suddenly changed over the last three weeks. My God, is he ever beligerant!!!

He'll be 9 in March...I think the testosterone is kicking in. He seemed fine this afternoon, although he wasn't quite so eager to do some of the things he was told. snip So here's my problem. We're leaving on vacation in exactly one week. I do *not* wish to have to punish him while we're on vacation...had to do that last year and it was *not* fun! DH is going to have a chat with him and let him know that his attitude is not acceptable...since it's a new thing, hopefully it won't be too hard to break. Unfortunately, my stepson is not always so good at listening to him...he takes instruction from me (as an objective third party, rather than a parent) much better.

Since I want to have this resolved as much as it's going to be before next Sunday, how long do I leave it to DH before stepping in? I'd like to be able to leave it longer, but we can't have my stepson upsetting everybody's vacation.

This is very hard for me because I know that one word from me will have him behaving like an angel, but DH really needs the opportunity to handle this. Thanks.
lil

You know what might help? Have a family meeting about the vacation several days before you go. Talk about what you all want, and make your expectations clear. You can all agree to be on your best behavior and to be as tolerant of each other as possible. I think vacations can be pretty stressful in general, and your family are all remembering the last one which was problematic. Maybe it will ease the tension to discuss it out in the open and to make a joint pact to make this vacation much more fun.

If this approach works, then you and DH will be acting in concert. You won't feel like you are stepping on his toes.

jane

June 25 1998

The funny thing is, it's not just the attitude; it's the language. His big thing this morning was "Oh my God!" Definitely new, but DH and I think that we can live with that one. It's a lot better than yesterday! We were watching The Wizard of Oz and Dorothy had just met the Tin Man. My stepson said, "Next is the Cowardly Lion...when the hell is that going to happen?" The problem is, my stepson has a speech impediment and we're never quite sure whether we heard what we thought we heard or not! My FIL has assured us that there's nothing we can do about the language...he simply told his sons that you didn't speak that way around ladies, which seems like good advice to me. Although I never use it around my stepson, I have a fairly blue vocabulary myself!

I never got very upset about cursing. I just tried to teach my daughter that different language was appropriate in different situations. She could swear in her room, but not at school, etc. We made a deal that each of us owed the other a nickel if a swear slipped out.

Anyway, one night I had a lecture I couldn't miss and a sitter I couldn't find, so I brought her to school with me. She was four. I made her promise to sit and color and be quiet. She did fine until the professor said "shit." She let out a huge gasp and said, "that's a nickel." I was mortified, but apparently the professor had children, too. He paused for a second, brought a nickel back to her seat, then went on with the lecture.

jane

June 21 1998

[3 yr old daughter saying embarrassing things about other people in public]

Wondering about a third option. There have been some posts, here, where larger people have been asked directly about their size and have been comfortable giving some explaination that seems to satisfy the child, the mother and the person in question.

I wonder if it might be a good idea for the mother, when asked one of these questions by a child, to say "Gee, I don't know for sure. How about if you go ask the person if they would mind telling you the answer?"

I can imagine the worst reaction to this being the the person being asked would be gruff and rude to the child -- something that I have difficulty imagining when faced with the cuteness of a 3 year old.

This could be just great on the tolerance/acceptance issue, but it still would be awful on the etiquette issue. Maybe a 3 yo can't completely understand why it's rude to point at strangers' anomalies and yell things out, but you have to let them know that the behavior is unacceptable. They can't go through life asking people why they are different. It's none of their business. If my gangrenous member had been amputated, I suspect that I would not overly enjoy discussing the experience with strangers. The recipient of this kind of questioning might be no more than "gruff" to your little angel, but they might be HURT.

Isn't that the whole point of manners? To teach your children how to get along with others in this life? Don't we have a responsibility to our children to teach them how to avoid inadvertently insulting people?

I could see a compromise. Explain to your child that it can hurt people's feelings to shout about them or point at them. That's really the point; it doesn't matter whether the person is unusually tall, short, heavy, hairy, large-breasted or anything else. Then bring your child over to meet the person. That would help dispel the idea that there is something "wrong" about being different. What do you think?

jane

June 1 1998

What would be the polite way to indicate someone?

It is rude to draw attention to a person in any way that would be noticeable to them. It makes people uncomfortable to be aware that people are talking about them, especially when they can't hear what is being said. Like staring.

People I know all turn their back to the person and say, for example, "Don't look now, but the guy standing under the exit sign in the red shirt, looks just like jason alexander." But you never let the object know you are commenting on him.


So am I to understand that you would consider it rude for a three year old to point and say "look at that lady, she's wearing a red dress"

Yes.

Who died and made me Miss Manners?

jane

June 21 1998

Actaully, what is considered beautiful and what is considered ugly is rather universal, and crosses cultures and ages.

I don't think so. Even within modern culture there is a huge variance. Twiggy/Dolly Parton. Reubens/El Greco. Grace Kelly/Elvira. Arnold Schwarzenegger/George Hamilton. Michael Jordan/Johnny Depp. Then there is the body piercing and adornment that many find ugly but is a sign of beauty in some african tribes and suburban high schools.

BTW, on the original issue, I think it is important to teach children that it is rude to use terms that MAY hurt people's feelings. There is no way of knowing how any given stranger will react, so the word is presumed offensive to all.

jane

June 21 1998

I never let my baby cry for more than a minute or two, the length of time it took me to wake up, or wash my hands, or whatever. Babies don't cry unless they want something, and they aren't old enough to want anything they don't need. Why torture them? My child has always been very secure, self-confident, and independent. I'm glad I took the time to put her interests first.

OTOH, there were times when she cried for more than 5 to 10 minutes even when I was trying to comfort her. I was so relieved when she could talk and tell me what was wrong.

jane

June 23 1998

I read the first post and thought Oh no another group of posts , saying its alright to let your baby cry to sleep ... but .. hooray at last on this huge planet I have found some people who dont think this is ok

I read the first post and thought Oh no another group of posts , saying its alright to let your baby cry to sleep ... but .. hooray at last on this huge planet I have found some people who dont think this is ok

What a relief.

Its not ok at all its cruel and just a little selfish in my opinion.

Thanks to this I now know I am not the only one in the world. My faith has been restored.

I felt the same way. Apparently, there are all these books out now with specific instructions on how to let your baby cry. It was really nice to see that other parents are using some compassion and common sense instead.

jane

June 21 1998

[OP wants ideas on how to improve the listening skills of a 5 yo girl]

a) Another contributor is right on the money about ensuring her attention before you speak. I have a 6 yo boy and for the last four years (!) I have found that I am wasting my time unless I make absolutely sure he is looking right at me when I speak.

There have been medical studies done about this, but I can't remember where they were published. I only remember because they struck me as true. Boys this age tend not to hear you unless you engage their attention. Girls develop auditory processing skill earlier, I think.

You have to disengage the child from what her attention is on before you talk to her. Turn off the tv, touch her on the shoulder, look her in the eye, wait until she is looking back directly at you. Have her repeat back to you what you have said.

I wish I had more details.

jane

June 19 1998

I didn't think people could be jailed in this country because of their financial debts and that's what is happening. They own money they can't or won't pay and are being jailed. What's the difference between these men and old debtor's prisons?

You don't get jailed for owing money. The crime is intentionally disobeying a court order. As I understand it, before it issues the child support order, the court finds that you owe the money AND that you have the ability to pay. You bring in all your tax returns and other financial papers, and the judge decides what you can and should pay per week or month. If your financial situation changes, you can go back into court and have the order amended.

I believe (and I certainly could be wrong) that debtors' prisons were abolished because people were jailed whether or not they had any ability to pay. Once people were confined, they could not leave until they paid the money. Nowadays, if people get too far in debt, they can declare bankruptcy. I don't know whether past due child support is dischargeable in bankruptcy.

I clipped the following from: http://www.usdoj.gov/usao/eousa/csra.html

the Child Support Recovery Act of 1992, Title 18, United States Code, Section 228, which makes it a Federal offense for willfully failing to pay a past due support obligation with respect to a child who resides in another state, when the past due support either exceeds $5000 or remains unpaid for longer than a year.

I am in favor of the law because interstate collection of child support debt is so burdensome on the custodial parent. State courts have jurisdiction over family matters like divorce and child support. This law makes it a federal crime to WILLFULLY fail to obey a child support order when you live in a different state.

jane

June 25 1998

How much do you figure it costs to raise 1.6 kids?

The average 3br apt here is about $900/mo. If the children are of different sexes and need their own rooms, that's $600. If they are the same sex, then figure $375. Heat, light, gas and water average about $210/mo. That's another $140. Food is about $7 per child per day, or $420/mo. School supplies (paper, pens, notebooks, binders, book bags) cost about $20 per month per child. Toiletries, vitamins, otc medicine are about $20/mo each (you might be surprised at how much bandaids and tylenol cost). That's $975 to $1200/mo for the two.

I assume each child wears out one outfit per month and one pair of shoes every three months (mine go through a lot more, but they are hard on clothes). At a Target/Bradlees kind of store, you may get by with about $15 for shirts and $25 for pants. Figure $5/mo for socks and underwear, and $10/mo for shoes. Detergent costs about .50 per load (i assume fabric softener is a luxury). Clothes, sheets, towels, etc. come to about one load per child per day or $15/mo per child. Which reminds me, you absolutely have to count on at least $3/mo/child for sheets and towels. That's $73/mo/child. This does not include sports or winter clothing.

Okay, if my math is right, I come up with $1121 to $1346 for two, which is $896.8 to $1076.8 per month for 1.6 children. That is for a no-frills, food, clothing and shelter only lifestyle. Also, I left out a million little things like carpet cleaner and light bulbs.

jane

Oops. I forgot child care. For preschool and summer you need to add at least $100 per week per child. That is an additional $693 per month for 1.6 children. Of course, school age children only need after school programs and babysitters when they are sick. So it's probably on half as much.

June 27 1998

The average 3br apt here is about $900/mo. If the children are of different sexes and need their own rooms, that's $600.

Wrong! Same old bullshit math. What is the cost of a single bedroom apartment? $750.?You would have that cost regarless. So the additional cost is only $150

When I was childless, I had room mates. I would be sharing a 3br with two other adults, at a cost of $300. The additional $600 is attributable to the children.

If they are the same sex, then figure $375. Heat, light, gas and water average about $210/mo.

Most of which you would have regardless. Figure $60 for the kids.

The children use at least as much of the utilities as I. Again, were I living with roommates, I would be paying 1/3 of the utilities.

[snip]

School supplies (paper, pens, notebooks, binders, book bags) cost about $20 per month per child.

Get real. Maybe 40 per year per child......I send mine to a private school, you ahver to pay extra for everything.

Fine, but then you have to add in the cost of the private school.

[snip]

That's $975 to $1200/mo for the two.

I assume each child wears out one outfit per month and one pair of shoes every three months (mine go through a lot more, but they are hard on clothes). At a Target/Bradlees kind of store, you may get by with about $15 for shirts and $25 for pants. Figure $5/mo for socks and underwear, and $10/mo for shoes. Detergent costs about .50 per load (i assume fabric softener is a luxury). Clothes, sheets, towels, etc. come to about one load per child per day or $15/mo per child.

Get real. how about two loads a week per child.

You know, I can't believe that I am stooping to argue about this. Every week I wash my children's school clothes, play clothes, pajamas, sheets, towels (at least I used to before they started doing it themselves). You cannot fit fourteen pair of pants, fourteen tops, three blankets, 7 sweatshirts, 5 sweaters, 7 pair of pajamas, a set of sheets, a pillow, at least 10 pair of socks, half a dozen towels, 7 pair of underwear and 7 bras in two wash loads.

Actually, I suppose you could do it with one of those huge machines at the laudramat that cost $4 per load. But everything would come out grey.

[snip]

The feds pay foster care at what? 300-400 a month. BTW foster families do that for profit.

Obviously they don't.

jane

June 19 1998

I will be meeting my fiance's son very soon. He is 4 1/2 years old and has heard nothing but bad things about me from his mother. What should I expect from a child that age? When he is with his father he asks questions about me and asks why mommy won't let him see me, he never speaks bad about me. I actually think he's kind of curious. I'm looking forward to meeting him, but I'm so afraid he's going to reject me. I don't know if I can handle that. Any advice?

Don't take it personally, if he rejects you. He doesn't know YOU. Don't worry ahead of time either. If you are all tense, he'll get nervous.

More important, don't expect too much. A 4 1/2 yo is not necessarily an angel, or even a person with whom you want to spend time. It's a funny age. There is a lot of whining, demanding, yelling, and refusal to let anyone help them do anything. And they stop taking naps! OTOH, you can do all kinds of fun stuff at this age, like painting, gardening, soccer, cooking, housework (!), swimming, going to the zoo, etc. Just don't make the mistake of thinking they will do anything for more than a few hours.

The 4 yo's I have known liked costumes, fake tattoos, animals, water balloons, non scary rides, brushing my hair, washing dishes, The Wizard of Oz, nail polish, face painting, hot dogs and french fries, not necessarily in that order.

jane

June 19 1998

i am no longer going to be a step-parent (yeah!!woohoo!!) but, in the interim, before there is a move out and after the children have been informed (which was last night, and not done in the manner we had agreed to....one more nail in the coffin) how do i deal with the his/mine issue??

[snip]

i guess more or less what i'm looking for is how to maintain some semblance of control over myself and (less so-let's be realistic) the situation with the children while they know i and 4yo are leaving, before we do so.

any idea?? or should i just give up?

Well, as you pointed out, you can't just ignore the children you are responsible for. Even if s2bx is being childish, you are still AIC to some extent. You could minimize that, by telling him not to leave his kids in your charge anymore. Still, even if you say that he should consider them unsupervised if they are left alone with you, you know you'll stop them from bungee jumping off the roof. And actually, they might do some acting out like that in the next month. If you are uncomfortable, don't leave your 4 yo alone with him.

I think of that as short-range parenting. The long-range parenting, all the issues related to them growing into good, healthy, successful adults, are out of your hands now. Just let go of your habits of fostering their creativity, teaching them discipline, helping them resolve conflict in their lives - that kind of stuff. As much as you may care, you can't do anything about it anymore. From the sound of your post, you never could.

It sounds like you care a lot about your "wild ones." The problem seems to be with their dad's parenting. Maybe if you concentrate on how they are feeling and how much you will miss them, you can minimize their feelings of rejection.

Regarding s2bx, the less you engage the better. Hopefully, the little day-to-day things won't bother you so much now that you are out of the long-term struggle. OTOH, you could end up arguing over every cd, candlestick, and towel. Watch "The War of the Roses." Mediators can really help a lot. Even an objective mutual friend that you both trust could help split stuff up fairly.

Good luck!

jane

June 9 1998

[snip]

My other suggestion, and it may be a really bad one, so I'd like to hear dissenting opinions, is to let her have what she wants for a while. Back off, don't try to cajole or force her to accept her stepdad at her school or sports functions, things that center around her. .....snip..........You rob her of a lot of the power of her behavior if you let her make those decisions, and then she is forced to face the consequence. She doesn't get to do something that's fun, *and* she doesn't get to be the center of attention by making a scene.

When she does make scenes, give her a time out. Not a punishing one, just quietly and kindly inform her that her behavior is unacceptable and that she'll have to stay in her room if she wants to scream. She can come out when she finishes screaming and is ready to talk calmly. No expression, no anger in your voice, just put her in her room and lock the door if you can........snip...... She's allowed to be angry, but she's not allowed to act on it in a destructive way.
Vicki

Partial dissent, with a twist. Pick your battles. You cannot (and should not) be working so hard to change how your daughter FEELS. Concentrate on teaching her how she should act on those feelings. Time out for rage is a great idea, but you have to leave her alone until she is ready to come out. You can't follow her into her room after a half hour and try to make her like your husband again.

Your daughter has you by the short hairs and she knows it. As long as you and SD focus on trying to get her to like and accept him, you let her control the relationship. And she is learning to control relationships through withdrawal of affection and through abuse. So let it go. Accept her resentment of SD. But refuse to tolerate abusive language and behavior. Basically, she gets to hate her stepfather, she does not get to treat him like dirt.

Regarding school and sports, I agree you should let your daughter make the decisions, but I am not as nice as Vicki. I would call her bluff and let her miss the tournament. I certainly would not go without my husband. I do not believe for one moment that her soccer tournament is more important to her than your marriage is to you.

In the future, I totally endorse the suggestion that you continue to make family plans and let your daughter choose to participate or not. I also think that you should spend time with her alone. Just be firm and make it clear to your child that she can only choose to exclude herself from family outings, not your husband.

jane

June 8 1998

We are in need of a dog, and I'd like any advice on good breeds for families.

There is nothing like a mutt from the pound.

Several friends of mine have had white labs, AKA golden labs. They are the same size as black labs. They always seem to me to be exceptionally well suited to family life. They are loyal, friendly, protective, and even-tempered. They are big enough to be "real" dogs, but not too big. They will play fetch and frisbee with the boys. They also have short hair.

As an aside, I think medium to large dogs with a mild temperament are best for kids the ages of yours. Smaller dogs can get really intimidated and snappy with boys going through that testosterone surge.

Also these dogs are enough like golden retrievers that the new one would be your husband's idea of what a dog should be. But they are different enough that he would not feel he was replacing the dog he is still grieving for.

jane

June 8 1998

I am marrying a wonderful woman who has 4 kids (3 boys ages 13, 9, 6 and a little girl age 7). My problem is that the youngest kids refuse to sleep in their own beds at night and always climb in bed with their mother.

[snip]

After we are married I would like there to be just the two of us in bed at night and not four.

I am a little confused. Are you and your future wife not sleeping together (when the kids are around) until you get married? If that is the case, then you might not really have to DO anything. Kids frequently give up when they realize how little room there is in the bed with two adults. With my daughter, my husband just carried her into her own room when it was time for us to go to bed. She still (10 y.o.) likes me to tuck her in at night, tho.

jane

June 8 1998

I love my boyfriend but I must confess that I would prefer if the son was not around. I really like it when he goes to his mothers on the weekend and during the summer. It's like a whole different lifestyle in our house. I love it.

There is nothing wrong or unusual about wanting to get away from the kids and and have a few days alone with your mate, or even yourself.

The son is a nice kid but I just don't want to be bothered with him. I get tired of having to deal with issues that revolve around the child, for example, did he do his chores, did he do his homework, checking homework, did he eat, did he clean his room, does he have clean clothes to wear, etc.

It's hard to become a parent. I really think it takes your entire pregnancy to prepare for it, and even then I certainly didn't feel ready. Then there is this period of all consuming need during infancy. So those of us who raised a child since birth have a different perspective. Compared to those early days when the child was the focus of every second, we have much more freedom. You, on the other hand, have less freedom and more responsibility. And you never got a chance to build that protective parenting bond when SS was young and helpless.

Don't stop talking about how you feel. It is so much easier for me to cope if I admit how I feel. Kids may be the greatest joy life has to offer. That does not mean that they are not a lot of trouble and work. Sometimes they are just a huge pain in the butt.

jane

June 8 1998

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and I've met his daughter (13) and his son (15) twice over this stretch of time because their mother had custody of them and lived in a different state.

I'm currently pregnant with our second child together, and our son is two years old. Will (my husband) found out that his ex-wife was killed in a car accident a few days ago, and that we'll now have custody of the kids.

OMG! I can't tell you the horror I felt when I read your situation. I wouldn't even want to be pregnant with a two year old!

Once my heart stopped racing in empathy, I realized that you have a lot going for you.

- First, and maybe most important, you are seeking answers and support. You are thoughtful and caring enough to prepare for the children before they arrive. I strongly recommend reading some books on children and grief, parenting teens, and step-parenting.

- Since you have kid(s) of your own, you have parenting experience. You know how to love and care for children. Actually, a two year old is good, because there are distinct similarities between toddlers and teens.

- Even tho BM's death was unexpected, you and Will were already preparing for a major change and new arrival in your life.

- You are mature enough to put others' interests before your own, yet young enough to have the flexibility and resilience to adjust to this new challenge.

- You have been married long enough to have built a solid relationship and base of cooperation with your husband.

- Brutal as this sounds, BM's death has a silver lining. All of you are equal in having to deal with the problems of your situation. None of you caused it. None of you wanted it. You all have to deal with it as a team. Also, you will not have to deal with friction between the two households, an issue that can absolutely torture steps.

- Your newly resident children have not had enough contact with you to have any deeply entrenched patterns of resentful behavior. You can start fresh.

- Since you are much younger, the contrast between you and BM is diminished. Obviously, you will never replace her or even live up to her ghost. But you can still be an anchor and a source of loving, acceptance and support.

- You can provide the children with a new family member to love. New life can help ease the pain of death.

I absolutely, totally agree that you should get counseling, especially for the kids. The stress of losing a parent is phenomenal, and these kids just have to feel like they are losing their whole lives. Besides, since BM died suddenly, the kids are pretty much guaranteed to regrets and other unfinished business with her.

jane

June 8 1998

old issue, when my husband travels his teenage daughter always shows up unannounced with or without friends...

I see no reason why SD should have free rein of your house if she is not visiting with dad. At this point, everyone knows she is not coming over to bond with you. Can't you just tell DH that she can't come when he is not there? After all, this is your home.

... so now my daughter and I lost our dog today...... I try to speak up when they do these mean malicious things.. and I am told I am imagining it, or I should just ignore it....

Well this is really the crux of the matter, isn't it? If I were you, I don't think I could stick it. Did you say in an earlier post that DH refused couples counseling? You really have to do develop your ability to work with each other as a team. I am sure you love each other, but the way things are going, you are just going to have to split up. The frustration must be eating you alive.

... The 11 yr old throws his clean clothes in the wash rather than put them away and then throws a fit that I never do his laundry... .......or "forgets" to bring clothes from his moms so I can do laundry at 10pm...

Well, this at least is easy to solve. Have all children over 10 do their own laundry. Once you teach them how, there really isn't anything to it. If MY kids can do it, yours certainly can. You may have to grit your teeth through some grey socks and the inevitable red panties in the white wash. You may have to remind them at first. But after they find they have to wear their least favorite clothes to school a few times, they begin to realize that the laundry does not do itself. It is a great way to teach kids responsibility. It may even make SS think twice before he yanks your chain again.

Good luck.

jane

June 1 1998

Bullies have lots of self esteem. [that is actually well documented in research -- the old view that they struck at people out of low self esteem turns out not to be true -- they are usually aggressive kids who think well of themselves but who have little to be proud of in the way of achievement - besides their physical aggression]

I have not found this to be true. Could you please cite sources for this?

One of the problems with parents and schools now is that they think self esteem can be detached from achievement.

This is correct. Self-esteem must be distinct from tangible achievement. People need to respect and appreciate what they ARE, not what they have done.

Otherwise failure will undermine self esteem. Certainly you agree that we all fail?

[snip]

Parents who want kids with high self esteem would do well to find out what they do well and like to do and encourage that so they can win praise for accomplishments...snip Schools would do well to make sure kids can read, etc etc as part of the plan to raise esteem -- rather than take the view as is common particularly in middle schools that 'anything you do is just great' and ' all you can do is your best' which in some schools literally translates into 'what ever low level of effort you expend is fine with us'

I find this argument internally inconsistent. You advocate sticking to what a child is good at, yet forcing her to excel at reading whether she has aptitude or not. How are these two positions reconcilable?

Also, if children do not feel free to explore every aspect of the world around them, how can they ever find what they do excel at?

jane

June 1 1998

Self-esteem must be distinct from tangible achievement. People need to respect and appreciate what they ARE, not what they have done.

This is the kind of argument that makes no sense to me. I used to hear that one should love the misbehaving child but not the behavior. For a time I would say that to one or another of my children when they were young. My son at age 5 told me that in that case I should figure out a way to give the behavior a time out (sitting on the third step) without involving him. Otherwise it was very obvious (to him) that I was angry with him *and* his behavior and was punishing him *for* his behavior. The concept had never made a lot of sense to me and I realized at that point that he was absolutely right. It was pure nonsense.

Well, sure, it's easy to lose your perspective and become angry in the heat of the moment. But you don't equate your child with his inappropriate behavior. Telling kids that THEY are bad never gets you anywhere. It takes away their belief that they CAN do the right thing. Do you see what I mean? If the child believes he is bad, then all he can do is bad things. In addition, it removes their responsibility for their own actions. A "bad" child can no more "be good" than a blind child can see. A "good" child can accept responsibility for her mistakes, learn from them, and do better the next time.

Each child should have a picture of herself as a truly wonderful person, because each of them IS truly wonderful. When children do something "wrong," we adults must point out that this behavior is inconsistent with the good and wonderful people they are. Similarly, whenever they do the right thing, we have to reinforce that by pointing out that it is what we expect of great people like them. We want them pursuing an ideal, not running from a spectre.

Children learn who they are from the world around them. They learn that they are lazy, stupid, boring, and bad the same way they learn they are red-haired, short, blue-eyed, and freckled. Once a characteristic is part of you, you can't do anything about it. Of course you can't understand math if you are stupid. But if you are the kind of person who TRIES hard when things are difficult, then you can get it in the end.

Which brings me (finally) to what upset me so much about Hamilton's post:

Parents who want kids with high self esteem would do well to find out what they do well and like to do and encourage that so they can win praise for accomplishments.

This is exactly the WRONG thing to do. Praise is most important for effort where we do not have aptitude. Our entire lives are spent doing things we do not excel at. By definition excellence is rare. Even if we do surpass all others in one area, we still have to function in innumerable other areas in which our very best efforts will be mediocre. Besides, except for the occasion freak, we do not excel in our first attempts at anything. If we do not praise sincere effort, even if the end result is poor, then how do we encourage our children to keep trying? That's all there is to life - trying to do your best.

jane

June 1 1998

I think the Parent's Hand Book says 'Never have sex EVER.'

It looks like there's some bucks to be made here-'Slaying for Dummies', 'Watching Made Easy','The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being a Slayerette' and even 'So You Say Your Daughter's The Slayer?' Oh, and 'Sunnydale on Three Highschool Students a Day'.

Chicken Soup for the Vampire-Slayer's Soul?

jane

June 1 1998

Children need discipline and if they don't receive it at home where are they going to get it? The woman who mentioned "men disciplining their wives"----that is totally different, the wife is an adult who should have already been raised and disciplined by her mother and family, her husband has no rights to that. But children have to have limits set and consequences if those limits are ignored. I totally agree with physical discipline as the bottom line after the time outs etc.

Another thing I'd like to mention is that the state won't let you discipline your child, but they want you to pay for their juvenile facilities when the child becomes a juvenile delinquent. This makes no sense to me.

It's not that complicated.

1) You have to rear the children you have.
2) This includes discipline as well as guidance.
3) The discipline cannot consist of physical abuse.

jane