Jane's Posts

June 1 1998

Your stepdaughter sounds an awful lot like my son. The seemingly twitlike things she may do, like not telling you why her teacher wanted you to call her, are not lies; she may very well actually not have known what her teacher wanted. Perhaps she was daydreaming or staring out the window when her teacher was explaining about the party that first day, or she heard it but promptly forgot it because her mind was buzzing with something else. Then the next day she did pay attention when her teacher talked about the party. She couldn't answer you when you asked why she hadn't told you about the party because she truly had not remembered what her teacher 's phone number was for.

Some children just have an awfully hard time concentrating; the educationese for this is 'staying on task.' When my son was in the early grades, we would ask him questions about some event going on at school and he would consistently not know, yet his best friend would pipe right up with the answer. My son has all of the problems your stepdaughter has in class concerning completing assignments; it has frequently happened that he hasn't even known what the assignment is, or if he does complete it he'll forget to bring it to school, or bring it in and cram it into his school desk and forget to hand it in when due. I think it definitely is a type of learning disability. What we have done is talk to his teachers to work out a system of reminders for him - things like having the teacher check his assignment book daily to make sure he has written the assignment down correctly, or make sure he brings home the correct study materials.

[snip]

This also sounds like my 10 year old daughter. It is one of the great challenges of my life to get information about school out of her. One thing that has helped this year is the planner that all the fifth graders get. Even so, if I don't stay on top of things, I just can't keep up.

I agree with this post. I just want to add a couple of things:

If you talk to both her current teacher and her teacher 2000 miles away you may be able to figure out whether this typical of SD or a recent development.

Class size makes a huge difference in kids staying on task.

For some reason, elementary school teachers (and a lot of pediatricians) don't seem to think of the possibility of ADD with girls.

Try not to get frustrated. My daughter is actually getting better as time goes on.

jane

May 26 1998

[snip]

Her son's father is a 35-yr-old, occasionally employed, volatile, drunk loser living with his mother. I haven't met the man yet, and I don't look forward to it... but it is probably inevitable.

You certainly have a firm opinion about a guy you never met. can't you give him a chance?

The boy adores him, of course. His mother and I take great care to never speak a word against his father when he's around.

Good job. My daughter's father can be such a total jerk that sometimes I hate his guts. I ALWAYS have to count to at least a hundred during our conversations, and sometimes I still lose my temper. But my daughter sees this entirely different man. It doesn't matter how successful or well-adjusted or reasonable he is. She sees the sensitive, fun-loving, caring man who adores her. she sees so much good in him, that it makes me feel petty for focusing on the bad.

He (my girlfriend's son) seems to like me a lot and sometimes calls me Daddy. This is heart-warming and strange at the same time. I would like to be his daddy someday, but I am not. I may never be. I'll never be a replacement, hopefully an addition. So I playfully remind him that I'm not his daddy. What's the best way to handle this?

[snip]

I get the impression that you are not ready for this level of commitment. If I am getting this right, you and your gf are moving cautiously; you have only been going out a short time, she is still trying to extract herself from a painful relationship, there is a child involved, etc.

Meanwhile, the boy is giving his heart to you. If he is calling you "daddy," then isn't he really saying that he thinks you are a family? Or he wants you to be a family? If things don't work out, you don't want to hurt him.

So, in a way, it doesn't really matter what the kid calls you. I mean, you can't playfully remind him not to love you. I just can't picture you sitting down with a five-year-old and discussing levels of commitment in relationships. All I can suggest is that you discuss this with your gf.

I did notice one other thing about your post. Please don't take offense if I am wrong. You never mention anything positive about the boy. I think it may be making you uncomfortable that you do not reciprocate his affection and total acceptance.

What I am trying to say is that you shouldn't worry if you don't like the kid as much as he likes you. You can't expect yourself to just automatically love kids because you love their mother. You never feel the same way about other people's kids as you do your own, and step-children do not automatically become your own. Especially if you have never had kids of your own, I think it is very helpful to read books about children and parenting. You could sort of get a feel for what behaviors kids exhibit at his age, what they feel during divorce, how they react to a new father, etc.

jane

May 21 1998

The State of Wisconsin will attempt to jail them on the charge of physically abusing a child should physical discipline be attempted.

I distinctly remember men saying the same thing about "disciplining" their wives twenty years ago.

You may not like it, but in Wisconsin you can't hit people to get your own way.

jane

May 26 1998

[snip]

When I was growing up (I'm 29) I had the utmost respect for my elders, especially my mother because I knew that if I back-talked, or did something that I wasn't supposed to do, I would get the sh*t knocked out of me.

If this is the basis of your respect for your mother, I pity you both.

jane

May 19 1998

I've been dating a woman for about 5 months now...it was an incredible attraction, not just physical but mental as well...things went great and though neither of us was looking for it we fell in love. I have a 5 year old and began to introduce him to her about 3 months into the relationship...we're talking really light stuff here-just enough so he knows the woman I am dating is. For the past month she's starting to get nervous, finding herself in a serious committed relationship is not always comfortable to her...sometimes she just wants to be alone...UGH...well we're working on that and she obviously is not comfortable with the child issue, I want her to take it at her own pace, but what should I expect? I'm torn between my responsibilities as my son's father and my commitment to this woman. Thoughts? How can I bring the two feelings together.

I agree that you should take things very slowly. Committing to a relationship and committing to parenthood are both so scary. For most of us, the committments come separately: you get over the former before you have to deal with the latter. If your gf can work through her issues about linking her life to yours without dealing with your son, then maybe it will be easier.

jane

May 14 1998

I have a 9 year old SD who acts like a 3 year old. She has been babied all of her life (I came into the picture when she was 6) and throws tantrums, pouts, crys at the drop of a hat and back talks alot.

I've gone crazy with it (she lives with us all the time) until I decided this is MY house and I make the rules...I won't tolerate any of the above anymore. She wants to throw a tantrum, pout, cry (when she doesn't get what she wants) and talks back..she goes to her room..plain and simple. I told her I deserve respect (I give her plenty of respect) and she will not treat me like this. I can't tell her what to do with her father, but I can tell her what I expect.

Pretty much the same thing here. But what are you going to do? Kids have to learn that this behavior is not going to get them what they want in this world.

My problem is finding opportunities to give "positive" attention and not having all our interaction be reprimand and instruction. Sometimes I think that even saying, "Go to your room," is too much attention to pay. I know my SD does this stuff to get attention. I don't want to reward the behavior by giving her that attention, yet I don't want to let abusive behavior go unchecked. Any ideas?

jane

May 14 1998

Help!

I just found out that my children have been shoplifting. I got the heads up from another parent whose kids rolled over on mine. I am relieved that I did not get a call from the police.

Details: Bio-daughter is 10. SD is 15, and has been living with us for 5 months. Shoplifting appears to have been going on for a month or so. Stolen objects consist mainly of makeup and candy. Several other 10 year olds seem to have been involved.

My problem: I think maybe I reacted too quickly on this one. I grounded each girl from friends, t.v., phone for a month. I let other parents know that this might be a good time to discuss shoplifting with their own kids, without saying they were definitely involved (it was about as much fun as the head lice call). Since no other teenagers were involved, I have not discussed this with SD's friends' parents. Then I realized that if I had caught either of the girls shoplifting with a friend, I would have grounded them from seeing that friend. Instead, they are pretty much confined to spending all their time with their co-defendant. Also, to enforce the restrictions, either DH or I have to be home all the time. I have pretty much grounded myself with two bored kids for a month.

QUESTION: So what do I do now? Have I over-reacted? I think consistency is important, and I really don't want to rescind the grounding. Besides, I told the girls they were grounded for a month no matter what they answered my questions about how long it had been going on and how much they had taken (I was looking for full disclosure.) Also, should I have differentiated between the kids due to the disparity in their ages? BTW, this all came to a head the night before Mother's Day.

jane

May 19 1998

[different poster, similar circumstances]

Here's my dilemma: I could go to the store and ask them if this happened (small store, owner working most hours). But, okay, here's the problem: if he _did_ take it, then I have to tell dad, who has to make SS bring it back and all those yucky things that dads hate as much as kids do. And anyway, am I just hung up on this 'cause I want to show dad that kid lies a lot? Or do I just want to head bigger trouble off at the pass.

Thanks.

Do it. Don't expect to learn anything (different sales clerks, lots of customers, etc.), but do it. If he did take it, then he needs to return it and apologize, even if it's no fun for dad. To be dramatic, it's also no fun for dad to visit his son in jail for grand theft larceny or some other crime. ;-) The truth is that parenting is ugly sometimes. And hard. But in this case, I think it'd be worth finding out what you can about the incident.

And don't worry about your motives. The primary one, obviously, is to do the right thing and have ss do the right thing. The sense of triumph you feel at showing DH that his son has a lying problem can be enjoyed without feeling guilty. You came to it honestly.

Good luck,
Lisa

Listen to Lisa.

Obviously, since mine was the original post, I am having my own problems with handling this situation. However, one thing I am certain of is that I should have listened to those warning bells. My kids went to the store a couple of times when I thought their allowances were all spent. I just told myself that their father had given them money. Then I never got around to asking him.

Now I see I was a fool. I should have known. Maybe in the back of my mind I DID know and did not have the energy to deal with it. I really hate looking a person in the eyes and telling her that she is lying.

Anyway, kids don't seem to stop until they get caught. So you might as well jump up on this one. The whole idea of a confrontation scene may make your skin crawl, but you are better off doing it in your living room that at the police station.

BTW, this NG has been very helpful; thank you all very much.

jane

May 26 1998

[snip]

Our 12 year old was caught stealing candy and he had apparently taken many other things from other stores also. He was a steadfast liar and wouldn't come clean on any of it. snip We took away his new prized BMX bike because we wanted him to exprience "loss" like he casued others. (By the way I still have the bike up at Grandma's. Anyone want to buy it?)

He was grounded to the house for a month during which if he didn't behave well it would continue.

He was grounded from going into any stores until the end of the school year (this occured in September).

We also started calling him on anything that remotely sounded like a lie. We were not very concerned with making false accusations since he had earned this response. It is the real response you get when people discover you are a liar. I think he understands how easily you can break someone's trust.

That was a while ago and he's fine now.
Merrie

i have a couple of questions. what consequence do you feel best demonstrated to your son the seriousness of his infraction? also, do you feel that questioning him and checking up on him all the time taught him to be more honest? is he just honest with you, or is he more honest with everyone?

sometimes i have trouble differentiating between normal preadolescent activity and sociopathinc behavior.

BTW, my kids are STILL grounded and we have survived so far.

jane

May 14 1998

...last year, my stepson decided he didn't want to continue going to his mothers for visitation, claiming that he was being mistreated down there... we allowed him to stay with us in the summer time.... Here is my problem. Ever since he has chosen to stay with us, and not go to his mothers, my husband has basically, favored him over the rest of the kids.... When I talked to my husband about it, he said I was being rediculous, but even his 14 yr old daugher has noticed it....I am a stay at home mom, raising 5 kids....If I tell him to do something, and he doesn't like it, he gets mad. When he gets mad, he takes it out on me, and his brothers and sisters.

Now, I don't allow him to carry on like this, but I get so tired of constantly fighting with him, it has mentally wore me out. We constantly battle when his daddy is not there, cus he does not pull this stuff when he is. I have told his daddy about it, he talks to him, and nothing gets solved. So now I am at my wits end. I have told my hubby I cannot deal with him in the summer time this year. He says he does not agree with it, because he doesn't want to go to his moms. I told him its because you give him everything he wants here, that when he goes down there, and they tell him no…he thinks its unfair, like he does with me and probably battles it out down there too.

Somebody tell me….am I so wrong???? I feel like my stepson knows what he is doing, and he is manipulating his dad. I cant believe my husband can be that blind to it, and it is really causing problems between us. Anyone have any advice ??? Thanks in advance.

Of course you're not wrong. You know it, and your husband knows it. He is letting himself be manipulated because he feels that his son is finally seeing that he was right and BM was wrong. I hate that. He is screwing up SS by using him as a pawn in their own private war.

You know I try to tell myself that it is a normal developmental stage for teenagers to be manipulative, that it teaches them something about how to deal with people as adults. I don't know if that's true, but you should try not to kill SS.

The bottom line is: one person can't be allowed to control the whole family. Unless, of course, it's me.

I hope one of these suggestions will help you:

1) Have a long talk with BM. Find out how she feels about the summer visitation issue. It sounds like she started going through this struggle with SS before you did. Did she consent to canceling last summer? Does she want him this summer? What does the parenting agreement say? Maybe you and she can work together here.

2) Shoot your husband. Check his life insurance first.

3) Go visit a relative and leave your husband with the kids for a couple of weeks. If you have the money, go to Europe; they'll never figure out what time to call you to complain. There is nothing like in-the-trenches parenting to give one a new perspective. Besides, once in a while, it is a good idea to let DH see what exactly you do all day. Let him take care of a house and five kids for a couple of weeks and see how many bon-bons he gets to eat.

4) Tape your family. I have never done this myself, but I hear it can really work. I know this is very controversial and a lot of people will yell at me. You have a family meeting and tell the kids that you think you all need to work on your communication skills. [If DH does not agree, see Suggestion #2] They need to hear how they sound to each other. Tell them that you will randomly record goings on during the course of the day. They will object until you point out that they are always coming to you complaining about each other; this way they will have evidence of all the awful things their siblings do to them. Once you get a majority in agreement, do two things: hide the tape recorder in common areas, and don't say anything about it for at least a week to ten days. By now you know where and when the kids go at it and your SS mouths off to you. Obviously, you don't want to intrude on their privacy in their bedrooms or the bathroom. My friends who have done this say that there are two immediate benefits: a) the kids immediately become aware of their behavior to the rest of the family, as they do not want to be caught being the guilty party on the tape; and b) when they do hear the tapes later, they are genuinely surprised by how they sound. You may be surprised by how you sound.

5) Write down or have DH write down every reward or adverse consequence each of the children receives. This again will make DH aware of the parity in his treatment of the children.

6) Of course. Find a good family counselor in your neighborhood.

7) Send SS to visit relatives or to camp for chunks of the summer.

jane

May 14 1998

Thanks for all your very valued replies. This is actually the first time I have ever posted to a newsgroup, and I realise that perhaps I should have put more information in my first posting than I did.

One of the things that I didn't say was that both my partner and I are both in complete agreement that staying overnight with his son there would be wrong unless we had demonstrated some sort of serious commitment to each other.

Also, at every step so far in introducing me to his son, he has first checked with his ex that it's OK, so her feelings are very much being considered too. I will not be staying overnight until she also agrees. There's no BIG rush (I realise that in my first posting I said 'near future' - I mean months, and am prepared for longer. Sorry for the confusion!). We want to do it right, and we have other nights that we do spend together. If that takes many months, then so be it.

But back to my original question - how do you go about staying overnight? How do you prepare a young child of 3 for that? What can you say to them in terms that they understand?

Thanks again for all the replies,

I think I am missing chunks of this thread. Is the question how to introduce a new relationship to a three year old? Or was the crux of the original post that you want to be able to tell the three year old that premarital sex is bad?

Moral issues aside, in practical terms, the three year old will not remember as a teenager that you slept with dad before you were married.

For me I felt comfortable with the stay-over thing once I had reached some decree of certainty re the permanence of the relationship. I did not want my child to have to deal with multiple possible replacements to my mate. I also did not want her to become attached to them or see them as part of our family only to have them vanish when we adults decided to call it quits.

After that, once the person has become a regular character in the family's life, it makes sense for him/her to stay over. I never said anything about it. One morning he was there. My daughter asked why he was there in the morning. I answered that he had slept over. I did discuss it with her before he moved in. I never felt I had to explain that we were having sex until she asked me. That was way later than three.

jane

May 4 1998

Until you are married, it is not your responsibility. After the marriage, you have a legal obligation to care for those children in the same capacity as your husband.

Change "legal" to "moral" and I have no quibble with your statement. I'm wondering, though, if you know something that I don't (which is quite QUITE possible!) about the laws regarding step-parents. To my knowledge, the law does not require step-parents to assume any responsibility for step-kids, and the law certainly provides no legal rights to step-parents. Do you have knowledge of specific legal responsiblities, since you use the word "legal?"

Like everything else, it varies by country and state. Step parents certainly have legal responsibility in many places. The "law" simply assigns them certain duties and responsibilities. The most well-known is administrative action and even criminal prosecution for child neglect if the step-parent is a responsible adult in the home. Obviously, you need not even be a step-parent to be charged with neglect of a child in your care. Many places have statutes under which parents may be prosecuted for the criminal acts of minors in their care. The laws make supervision of minors the legal duty of their parents or guardians. This may include biological, custodial and step parents, grandparents, etc.

Step parents may have civil liability for neglect of their duty to care for minors in their home. Examples would include your step children's right to sue you for failing to bring them to the doctor, or your next door neighbor's right to sue you if your step children break their windows. These are not necessarily determined by the divorce and custody agreements of the original parents. Law makers do not have to be consistent.

jane