Jane's Posts

June 25 1998

Hi. New here. My ex has a new girlfriend (live-in) and I would like some tips on how to be able to talk to her about my daughter who will be visiting them for 6 weeks this summer. My ex and I cannot speak to each other unfortunately, and I'm sure I've been badmouthed to this woman, but I would like to be able to talk to her once in a while regarding my daughter and her summer since I can't talk to the ex. Thank You!

I would cheerfully kiss the ground that my ex's SO walks on. When my ex and I could not speak to each other without our blood pressure skyrocketing, she just quietly took over as intermediary. She gradually assumed responsibility for all the negotiation over visitation. Where he would have called and said, "Make sure she brings her bathing suit," she said, "We want to take her to a pool. Should we buy her a bathing suit, or do you have one she likes to wear?" And if she needed a new swimsuit, SO would send it back to my house! I swear, the woman is a saint.

After a while, my ex and I started to get along fine. We started to think of each other as reasonable people again. In retrospect, I see that she taught us how to treat each other with dignity and respect.

I am not sure how this works in reverse. In the beginning, she always seemed to be calling to offer to do me a favor. Maybe you could call (when you know ex won't be there) and ask if there is anything special she would like you to send with your daughter. Then call and ask if there is any medical info they need. Then call and let them know that your daughter has developed an allergy to eggs. I think it is good to leave a pleasant message on the answering machine. Address mail to both of them.

I guess I am saying that you should gradually expose her to the real you. Give her something to counteract your ex's calumny. Be pleasant, helpful, and brief. Never criticize your ex to her. Never criticize her to your daughter. Never tell her what to do in her home. Spend some time thinking about what she would find helpful to know about your daughter. Have some compassion for the woman who ended up with the pitiful excuse for a man who is now your ex.

You could send a list of factual information that SO might need, like your daughter's best friend's address and phone number. If I were a new step, I would really appreciate your sending your daughter's favorite toy, books, videos.

I think the single most important thing my ex's SO did was trust me. She acted as though, she was sure she would find a reasonable person on the other end of the phone. There was no way she got that from my ex.

jane