Jane's Posts

March 22 1998

[SD coming, SM has no clue how to entertain her]

Summer is still far enough away to make plans for the visit. I would feel much more in control if I had a plan. Otherwise, the prospect of the visit from hell would loom.

I strongly recommend you make plans for summer activities with sd's input. Granted, sitting around the house is not a valid option. Let her know that you will expect her to be involved in a variety of activities during the weeks. Ask her what types of things she enjoys doing or wants to try out. If she tells you what she would be interested in, you can plan a summer that she will enjoy. As I see it, a happy child is much easier to be around.

I don't know where you live, but in my experience you need to start making arrangements for summer soon. You really can't just open the back door and send her out to play. Local Y's, rec centers, and pools have been very helpful to us. Every kid is different, but I have had success with the following:

camping
drama camp
junior lifeguard training program
audubon camp
cheerleading camp
swimming lessons at the local pool
city sponsored dance programs
youth basketball league
gymnastics camp
summer school (believe it or not)

Good luck.

jane

March 9 1998

Before I even open my mouth, I know I am going to get a lot of abuse for this. I let my daughter sleep with us until she was three. When we needed some privacy, her father just carried her sleeping into her room.

After that, she fell asleep watching The Wizard of Oz every night for two straight years. I worried sometimes that as an adult she would be unable to fall asleep WITHOUT the movie. Eventually she just got tired of it, though. She started reading herself to sleep sometime in the first grade. She is ten now. She just goes into her room at 8:00 and reads until she falls asleep.

I know the current conventional wisdom is that you have to be firm and make them sleep in their rooms and all that. My experience is that kids go through different phases and you have to be flexible not rigid. Maybe your son just realized that you don't automatically fall asleep when he does and that he is missing out on some of your time. You probably desperately need a little time without him at the end of the day.

Maybe if you compromise. Let him fall asleep in your bed while you are in the living room. Or let him leave the door open as long as he stays in the room. Or let him have a radio. Or do what I did and just put a vcr in his room and let barney sing him to sleep.

jane

March 5 1998

And demanding child support is not controlling someone else?

Well, no. You control your own sperm. What you do with it leads to certain consequences. A woman controls her ova and uterus. What she does has consequences too.

Child support is the result of your own volitional act. If it is hurting your present family, it is because you voluntarily chose to become involved past your ability to support the progeny you already had.

You can't take back sperm.

jane

March 4 1998

Okay...I need help.

My husband's ex and I do not agree on child raising at all. I was surprised that my stepson was still wearing diapers at 3 years old, so you can imagine how mortified I was that he was still wearing them at 7!

Your letter pretty much horrified me. Why are you punishing a child for accidents? Bedwetting and even day time incontinence at 7 is not unusual. Don't you remember other kids having accidents in the 1st, 2nd, 3rd grade? If you ask around, I am sure you know people who wet their beds at least until puberty.

My guess is that enuresis is either rare in your family or considered a voluntary act of aggression. I say that because you seem to take it so personally that your ss does not have full control of his bladder. I am afraid that you make him feel ashamed of himself when he has an accident. Surely you can see how harmful it must be to a child to be made to feel "bad" about doing something over which he has no control. The additional stress it causes the child when you become angry about his condition can only make the situation worse.

I have three concrete suggestions:

1) Educate yourself about enuresis. I did a quick search and came up with the following sites: http://www.galstar.com/~aef/ http://www.cmhc.com/disorders/sx70.h I attached a couple of other urls. I really didn't have time to examine these sites very carefully, but they appear to be informative publications by reputable medical sources.

2) If you truly feel this is a problem for the child, bring him to a genitourinary specialist. There is very likely an enuresis clinic at a pediatric facility near you.

3) In your own mind try to equate his enuresis with sneezing. If you think of it as unpleasant, involuntary and unavoidable, it will be easier for you to distance yourself from the problem. You may even find it is not a problem at all.

Best of luck.

jane

March 4 1998

How common is it for a BPD parent to sexually molest their child? My SO's ex has the classic symptoms of BPD and she is (and always has been) obsessed with her 4 year old son (i.e. breastfed until 2.5 - 3 yrs.[which I know is somewhat common], slept with mom & dad up until dad left-don't know if he still does, she doesn't want dad in his life, he gets in trouble if he doesn't call her "mommy", she hangs out at his pre-school while he's in class - all day every day, etc.) I'm not accusing her of anything, but I've always said that her relationship with her son is as close to incest as you can get without actually involving sex. Please, no flames - I'm totally serious.

I don't get it. How can a relationship be incestuous without actually involving sex? She sounds like a caring, involved mother who has issues about her ex. Aren't we all?

jane