Jane's Posts

July 31 1998

Is there any consensus on the best bed times by age? I may be crazy, but I seem to remember going to bed when it was light outside when I was a kid. My 6-year-old stepson occasionally actually goes to bed at 10:00, but that's an early night.

It depends so much on the circumstances. My 11 yo needs 10 hrs/night. One night with less, and she's a mess. Since her bus leaves at 7 a.m., this means bed time is 8 p.m. Currently, we have no bed time while school is out. She stayed up much later at 6 yo, because we had a looser morning schedule, and she still had the option of a nap.

OTOH, her cousin, who is now 13 yo, can stay up too late for days, then sleep all weekend. So his parents let him self regulate. But they have a huge house.

We resolve the parent time issue by imposing a bed time whether the kids are tired or not. They can go to their rooms and read, listen to music (with headphones), write letters, etc. Six is probably too young for that, but again, it depends on your kid.

Once, when my work schedule changed, my daughter's had to adjust with it. I did this by waking her up 5 minutes earlier every few days and gradually moving up her bed time.

Also, your wife may really enjoy her evening ritual with her son.

jane

July 31 1998

A lot of stepparents encourage the child to be considerate (write, call, buy Xmas gifts, buy birthday presents, etc.) of the other biological parent. How many biological parents would allow the child to do these things for the stepparent?

Surely this isn't uncommon. I would never dream of sending my daughter back for xmas without a gift for ex's SO. OTOH, I have no idea what her birthday is. I guess I assume it is ex's job to remind our child of the date. I'll get the date and write it on our calendar here. Thanks for mentioning it.

jane

July 31 1998

One of the many things I don't understand about the court regarding visitation is why not give the other parent who lives far away the whole summer instead of 5 or 6 weeks for the summer visitation? It seems in your situation, you live so far away that every other weekend or every weekend visitation wouldn't work.

I really think that this decision should include the child. They have a whole life with the primary custodial parent. Some of them just want every second they can get with the secondary, but others want to spend their vacation playing ball and going to disneyland with their friends. As they get older, they want jobs, etc.

Mine just turned 11. Before this, she was just too young to spend more than a few weeks away from "home." We live too far apart to allow for weekend visitation. Last summer, she went for two 3 week stints. It gets expensive. Even if I would consider letting her go for the entire summer, she does not want to. She fiercely needs to see her dad, but she wants to spend part of her vacation hanging around the pool with her girls, too.

Personally, I don't care. I miss her terribly while she is gone, of course. But her dad is her dad, and she adores him. As far as I am concerned, she can spend whatever time she wants with him. I won't force her to go for longer than she wants, though. I don't care at all what my ex wants or needs. As far as I am concerned, visitation is for the benefit of the child. So I go with what she tells me works for her. I am mainly concerned with enabling her to express her wishes clearly and without fear of recrimination. I don't know what I would do if she ever told me that she didn't want to go at all. I can't imagine it.

snip..... This summer and last summer have been hard to see SD go home because she has been telling us that she doesn't want to go home....... long snip.......... The mother and the stepfather told the court and others that my SD is not happy with us and we don't provide a loving environment for her (like they know what goes on in our household.) Children Services put that silliness to rest.

There are two things you should consider. First, it is perfectly normal for SD not to want to leave you. Sometimes, the pain of being torn from people they love makes children sad. This doesn't mean she is unhappy at home. She probably tells BM et. al. the same thing when she leaves them. Second, sometimes children try to please both sides when there is tension between the bios. It sounds to me like both sets of parents here think that the child is unhappy with the other. You know she is happy with you, but they are getting the idea that she is unhappy SOMEWHERE. I don't think SD is necessarily being dishonest, just that reality looks different to her depending on which house she is in.

jane

July 23 1998

The "butt out" remark in the Braces Debate thread made me start wondering about this. How do other families divide up parenting decisions?

DH and I are each bio and step parents to our children. We have no biological children of our own. We each were used to making parenting decisions with our exes. Now we seem to have evolved into a pattern where the decisions are his, mine, or ours. Usually it works out fine, but sometimes it is a little confusing.

As an example, we have different views on violence in tv/movie content. His kids can see Scream 2, but mine can't even watch EXTRA. Sometimes we have conflicts about whether one of the kids can go somewhere or stay over a friend's house. In general, I make these decisions for mine and he makes them for his. Occasionally, one of us feels strongly about the other's decision, and we discuss it. Of course, we both make innumerable everyday decisions about all the kids.

What I am asking is how much you and your mate make separate decisions for your biokids. Where do other steps "butt out?"

jane

July 24 1998

[kids with different rules]

Wow. Not criticizing, but I've got no idea how you manage this without one set of kids screaming bloody murder all the time. I mean, your kids are home and want to see Scream 2. You say no. Then dad's kids ask, and they get to go. Your kids react to this how, exactly? I know what my steps would do. I'd get your my version of Scream right here in the kitchen.

It doesn't work out that way, though. Maybe it is because mine is younger (11). She is used to me telling her that she can't see violent movies, that she must go to bed at 8 p.m., that she can't stay over a friend's house until I have met the parents, etc. She may try to change my mind on these points; she may even try to convince DH to help her; but she never objects to there being two sets of rules.

[snip]

I just don't know how you say, in response to "Bill's kids get to go!" anything akin to, "Well, they're his kids and he makes the rules. You're my kids and I make the rules."

This is pretty close to what we say. "Bill makes the decisions about Ty's movies, and I make the decisions about yours."

I would think it leads to a somewhat divisive household.

Of course, I've hardly answered your question (as I'm not qualified to). But I'd be interested to know how your kids deal with the situation.
-k.

Our kids are all in their second decade. They do not seem to have any problem with there being different rules. In fact, I don't think I gave this much thought until the "butt out" thread.

Our exes make rules at their houses. We make them at ours. My working relationship with DH is not very different from my one with BD. I am the primary rule maker; they are my advisors. Each can overrule me if they feel strongly enough. They do this rarely, and they are always right. I have similar authority with ex's house and DH's children, where they are the primary rule makers.

We do have conflict, usually when my rules indirectly affect SKs. If we are allowing all the kids to go to a movie, then it has to be relatively non-violent. There may be squawking, but DH or I just do the parent thing: "Fine, if you can't find a reasonable movie, then don't go." If the older kids all make plans to see a Bruce Willis movie, then the 11 yo just can't go.

There was a huge to-do when one of my SSs insisted on calling things he didn't like, "gay." (South Park has a lot to answer for.) To me, it is as offensive and bigoted as calling someone a "nigger." It took some work on DH's part to convince SS that this was a non-negotiable point.

In one way, this set up avoids conflict. Our kids usually don't "choose a parent" to ask permission. The kids all know that if the decision is questionable, DH or I will refer them to their bioparent.

jane

July 31 1998

[snip]

graphic violences is an absolute prohibition if it is gratuitous. violence in general is something that i screen on -- i think seeing it minimizes the shock and horror of real violence (never mind glorifying being violent "for the right reasons"!).

but we have watched movies as a family with very explicit and graphic violence where that was necessary to the story and the impact of the story. many of these are either historical or important parables dealing with ethical/moral situations that are important to us. examples:

"swing kids"
"roots"
"europa europa"
"schindler's list"

(we still intend to see several others that i would put on the same list)

during the latter three, we stopped periodically to talk about history and historical issues. all have led to long and interesting discussions about ethics and morality, and our kids have been seen/heard applying them to other films/television shows/books/situations in their lives. and in some cases, this has continued to happen years later.

Thanks for all the input. Just today, I was called upon to explain precisely why my daughter (who is now 11) cannot see the movie all her friends are seeing tomorrow. It is the current teen slasher, Bizarre Behavior. I really wished I could say yes, but according to the review I read, the movie starts with a football player murdering his girlfriend while she performs oral sex on him. I guess her friends' parents don't read the reviews.

Anyway, I think I pretty much fall into the same category as Vicki.

Also, I draw a distinction between human and non-human violence. She can see the Jurassic Park, Deep Impact, Godzilla kind of movie. I don't mind action/adventure movies like ID4 and Star Wars. I told her she could see BaseketBall, which can't have any redeeming merit whatsoever, can it?

OTOH, DH feels that the amount of time his kids spend in a movie is minimal. They learn their values at home. His kids can read or watch anything they want.

Incidentally, I never give the sex in movies a thought. It only bothers me if it is violent, which I already exclude. So I brought my daughter to see Soul Food, a movie about a family dealing with variety of different situations. For some reason, the couples kept having sex standing up. I wasn't sure what to say afterwards. She seemed to take it in stride.

jane

June 21 1998

My ex's girlfriend moved into his house with her two children last week. They are planning to get married next April. My daughter who is eight, came home and told me that her dad said she would have to call the girlfriend "mom" when they got married. My daughter is upset, but doesn't want to upset her dad by calling his girlfriend by her first name. Dad is a control freak, and has manipulated the kids to believe that if they don't do everything his believes, it is because they don't love him enough. I believe that the kids should call her what they call her now. In my relationship, they call my boyfriend by his first name, and when we get married, that will not change. Does anyone have any suggestions for what to say to my daughter?

Does it say anything in your divorce decree? Sometimes there is a clause that says that the terms "mother, father, mommy, daddy..." etc. are reserved for the biological parents of the child.

If not, just make sure your daughter knows that she does not have to choose between you. I assume you are above this pettiness and couldn't care less about BD's machinations except as they affect the kids. Reassure her that whatever she calls SM isn't going to affect your relationship with her.

Also, I would tell her not to worry about it too much now. A lot can happen between now and April. She should be establishing a good relationship with FSM. Hopefully, the woman will be kind and reasonable, and your daughter will be able to discuss this matter directly with her before the wedding.

BTW, is your ex a complete idiot? I can't imagine many things more likely to set your daughter against FSM than telling her that she will have to call her "Mom."

jane

July 21 1998

I just thought of something else. I never think of myself as my SD's mother, and it always startles me when she calls me "mom." My daughter, however, has never had any problem calling other women "mommy" or referring to them as "my other mother." Not just my ex's SO's, either. It's like a game with her when she is visiting someone else. It's a sign of affection.

OTOH, I have never heard her call DH, or any other man, "daddy."

I believe that this is because she has always lived with me, whereas she has never spent as much time with her father. It is as though the "father" relationship has to be protected. She can't afford to slip and call anyone else "daddy," because BD might start to slip away.

My point is that this might not be upsetting your daughter just because a) BD is pushing her around, b) she doesn't feel like STBSM fits the title, or c) she is afraid that she will upset you. Maybe she feels threatened that her dad will try to take her away from you once they get married. Maybe she feels like BD is trying to replace you with STBSM in her life as well as in his. Poor thing. At least she can talk to you about it.

The more I think about this, the more steamed I get at your ex. He is putting both your child and his gf in an impossible situation. If he had just left it alone, things could have worked themselves out gradually. I bet he is doing this to piss you off.

jane

July 20 1998

What comes between 'liking' and 'fetish' in increasinig order of desire?

Lust, infatuation, preoccupation, fixation, compulsion, obsession, mania. You might put them in a different order.

jane

July 14 1998

I have to admit, I am horrified.

Okay...we just got home from our two week camping trip......snip I noticed one or two things that have me really, really upset. Last spring, we received his report card which stated that he "needs improvement" in math. This doesn't even begin to describe his problem with math!

From what I see, "needs improvement" is the grade elementary school teachers give to likable kids whose performance is abysmal.

We bought him a "camping workbook." It has a page of activities for each day of his summer vacation...English, math, social studies and simple science. We got to the first day of math and my stepson...who's just been promoted to grade three...had no idea how to tackle the questions. I mean not a single clue, and these were things like 3 + 4! So I got out his pencil crayons (which he had millions of) and showed him how to use them like counters. After I helped him with two questions, he was able to do the other 28 with no problem at all. Took me about ten minutes to show him how to do them.

Then we got to subtraction...still no clue. So we worked it out again, using the pencil crayons. Five minutes and he had those down.

This is good. He is capable of learning with one-on-one tutoring.

One day, my husband asks him what 3 + 1 was. Well, his counters weren't available and he was lost. He very obviously had no idea what that was or even how to count it out on his fingers! At the nearest possible opportunity, I sat him down and taught him how to do simple math on his fingers. You know, "Okay, c, count out three fingers and then count out one finger...now how many fingers are you holding up?" He seemed to figure it out okay, but then we got to 3 + 2. He counted out his middle three fingers and then his thumb and little finger. So I asked how many fingers he was holding out, as he sat there with his outstretched hands. He had to count them. I said, "C, don't you know how many fingers you have on your hand?" He didn't. He didn't know he had ten fingers; five on each hand. He has no idea how many toes he's supposed to have.

How does a kid get to third grade without knowing how many fingers he has???

Schools don't keep kids back anymore.

You might be okay with the math. The whole first third of third grade is review here. You really have to get a grip on this now, tho, because the next third is multiplication and division. If kids don't get that, they are really up a creek. Stay in close contact with SS's teacher.

Does BM have a computer? "Edutainment" software works for us. My kids like Math Blaster and Math For the Real World. MB has many different levels, and they have it at Costco.

One thing that could be just perfect for SS is a kiddy laptop. I believe I got a Think Pad. They can be a little pricey ($50 to $100?), and it probably requires a trip to ToysRUs to figure out which one is best. Some are upgradeable. Some have a whole slew of different subjects. OTOH, i think the ones with just basic skills are cheaper. Anyway, my daughter felt really important. It made her feel that school and learning were important, too. She brought it everywhere and never lost it (which, if you knew my daughter would impress you very much). Also, no one knew when she made mistakes; she learned to think it over and try again. She still uses it.

Actually, do you have thrift stores near you? It might be better if you got a used one. If you buy it new and BM doesn't keep tabs on it, you might want to kill her.

We really have some work ahead of us...and we really need to have a long, long talk with his third grade teacher when school starts again!!! Honestly, we're doing so well. We spent two weeks teaching him all about endangered and extinct animals, mountains, glaciers and hoodoos, nouns and verbs, addition and subtraction...how do you deal with a kid who doesn't even know how many fingers he's supposed to have? We've mastered the "Stuffed animals can sleep beside the bed, rather than in the bed" and "Perhaps Barney isn't the best show for an eight year old...let's see what else we can find that you've never watched before". We've got him playing with other children (something he's never done) and speaking out against things he think is wrong (at one campsite he chastised all the other children for chasing the bunnies!) and convinced him that it isn't necessary to cry for an hour after falling down, simply because he wants the attention. We're working on tying his shoes, too, but I really don't know how to deal with this. His mother is really disinterested in helping him grow and learn...she wants him to be a baby and she lets him watch Barney and Teletubbies and buys him shoes with velcro so he doesn't have to bother with laces. She *never* helps him with schoolwork or quizzes him on things he's learned.

SS is not the only second-grader who can't tie his shoes; velcro has a lot to answer for. Maybe SS is intellectually or emotionally stimulated by Barney. I can't imagine how, either, but then I could never watch the show for long enough to find out.

Unless and until you decide to try for greater physical custody, stay in daily contact with SS as much as you can. Casual conversation about school, people, the world around him, etc. will stimulate him intellectually. Get copies of the books he is using in school this year and follow along. Discuss with him the stories he reads in class. Let him know that you are taking the time and effort to stay in touch with his teacher. Even at long-distance, your interest in school will show him how important it is, and how important he is to you.

Another thing you can do is give him a certain amount of money per day if he reads for a half hour and writes three sentences about what he read. Keep it in a jar at your house. Even a quarter a day can add up. When he comes to visit, he has earned enough for major shopping. The potential for math instruction is limitless. The value of the reading skills are immeasurable.

He's really, really thrived with our help...you should hear him talk about all the things we learned this past two weeks. But we're obviously working out things that, although they're necessary and he's capable of understanding, are way beyond the simple tasks and facts and theories that he hasn't tackled yet! Man, if DH and I could only have custody of him for a year, he'd be a completely different child!

Kids seem to learn a lot more outside school than they do in. BM is not a "teacher." She will never be the type of person who incorporates teaching into every aspect of life. She will never explain fractions while baking cookies or rearranging pizza slices. She is his mother, tho.

So you will probably be the one who will do all the work. You have to find out what evaluation, enhancement, and intercession programs are available. You have to arrange for "pull-out" tutoring. You have to be the squeaky wheel. It sounds unfair, but it's not really. You are capable of this, and I don't think that either DH or BM are. In fact, from your posts, I get the impression that neither of them really even understands what you are talking about.

jane

July 14 1998

[snip]

Background.....My son's step-mom has been in his life for the past 4 years...for the first two as my ex's live-in gf, and the last two as his wife. Not that that really matters. Anyway, she and I have never met, have only spoken on the phone briefly three times (two of those very neutral and agreeable...the other I'm sure left both of us very steamed), and have a *very* cold relationship anyway. Oddly enough, my ex and I are good terms, despite some extremely rough circumstances...some of them occurring recently.

Anyway, I am hoping that she and I will finally meet soon...something I've been trying to get done for at least 3 1/2 years now. She is still resisting it, but their counselor is encouraging it and so is my ex (finally!). Had this meeting taken place a while back, I think I would have known what to say. I wanted to talk to her about the kidlet, mainly. What things he really enjoyed doing, where he was at developmentally (he was 2 at that time) and so forth...and to tell her that she was a very lucky woman to have the kidlet in her life.

This last is going to get you in trouble.

But. Now it is 4 years later, things have gone extremely roughly between her and my son, and she is convinced I am the cause for all of her problems.

What I am hoping for with meeting her is to somehow assure her that I am not a threat to her, and to brainstorm on ideas of how to improve her and my son's relationship. I hate seeing my son reluctant to go with his father because he might see her. I want him to be happy there. But, I am clueless about how to approach it with her based on the silent war we seem to have been having with each other and her evident resentment towards me.

I believe that the vast majority of our problems with each other are misunderstandings, not knowing the whole truth, and not knowing even basic truths about each other to be able to put each other's actions or words in any kind of perspective...if that makes any sense.

So, I guess what I'm trying to ask here is how, if this was your situation, you were her...how would you like to be approached after all this time?

[snip]

If you really want things to go well, spend a little time thinking about what you have to thank her for. Add up all the cooking, laundry, driving, cleaning, comforting, disciplining, and other work that she has expended on behalf of your son. Then try to remember every time you felt challenged in parenting your son. Dredge up all the bedwetting, tantrums, whining, spilling, biting, embarrassing remarks, refusal to eat vegetables, and anything else that taxed your skill and patience. Then consider how you feel about other people's children; do they ever seem less perfect than your own? Then remember everything that your ex did that drove you crazy. Then review all the negative things that have gone on between your son and her. At this point you should see that she might have a different perspective on how lucky she is to be SM to your son.

I am not sure why you want this meeting now (I completely agree that it should have happened years ago). If you just want to solve HER problem, you are not going to get far. I get the feeling that you are planning to talk things over and get her to change the way she does things. I guarantee she wants you to change what you are doing, too. Before you go giving her constructive criticism of her parenting, you have to be ready to hear her commentary on yours. This is a tricky area among the best of friends. Your cold war could go nuclear.

My advice is to go slowly. Just have dinner. Pretend that she is your college roommate's sister, or some other stranger that you want to like. Do not go out of your way to look your best; it just sets up a competitive atmosphere that you want to avoid. Talk about music, movies, or books. Draw her out and learn what she is interested in. Stay away from dangerous topics, like your son, your ex, and child support. You can't brainstorm with the enemy. If you have to get into it, focus your conversation on what YOU can do to help her. If one word of criticism passes your lips, you don't have a prayer of establishing a working relationship with this woman.

Good luck. I love my ex's SO and hate my husband's ex. I can't tell you how much easier it is when you get along.

jane

July 6 1998

Recently, my patience and interest in my 2 FSDs, ages 4 1/2 and nearly 6, has waned, and I'm worried! My fiancé (their dad) and I are only 82 days away from our wedding, which the girls will be travelling to America with us to be bridesmaids. I just can't get motivated with them, and have found myself becoming more& more short tempered, which means that I keep removing myself from the situation (room, not relationship) and I know they're confused... so am I!

Am I undergoing some evil transformation? What's wrong with me? Yes, I have a bio-monster to deal with, and yes, the children and I do get along really well. I just feel... fed-up with having to deal with them, and this is making me feel like dirt.

Any suggestions or insight would be most appreciated. I read the thread about feeling differently about one's "natural" kids than stepkids, and am wondering if I'm going through the early stages of this...? Except I'm not pregnant! I just don't seem to have the patience that I used to for their whining, whinging ways... and I *want* to. I love them a lot - that hasn't changed. It just seems like I have no tolerance of their faults. They drive me nuts, and again, I feel bad about this.

Well you could be turning into the monster SM from hell. OTOH, you could be a little stressed about your impending wedding, a major trip, the biggest commitment of your life, making detailed arrangements from a long distance, etc. Maybe the girls are more whiny and clingy than usual because they realize that there is going to be a momentous change in their lives, but they are not sure what to make of it yet. Maybe FH has one or two things on his mind, and is just a tad less perfect than usual. Maybe the whole "wife-and-mother-forever" concept is sinking in a little deeper.

If you want concrete advice, I think you should talk to the girls about it. When my daughter was their age (and still, now that I think of it), my lack of patience upset her much less if I just explained that I was grouchy. Then she didn't take it personally. She could understand that other things made me less patient than usual. In fact, it can be a huge relief in tense times for children to hear an adult say what they are thinking themselves.

I asked my daughter what she thought of your problem. She recommends:

1) earplugs,

2) spending some time thinking about what it is about them that is driving you nuts, and

3) putting yourself in their position and figuring out if you are doing something like being tense that is making them more whiny than usual.

I recommend taking a vacation alone with FH. I assume time and money are tight, because they always are. But splurge a little, and remind each other why you are in love.

jane

July 3 1998

Some days...

We have both kids for a week (as part of our three weeks during the summer custody) prior to and including Father's Day. Now, SD has real issues with me and dad. When she graduated from Sunday School, she was to read a paper she'd written. She called her dad two days before and reminded him of it, quickly adding, "I don't want Kim there."

A long discussion ensues during which dad tells her that such demands (not requests, but demands) are not really appropriate. He asks, at the end of this convo, "Do you want us there or not?" She again repeats that she doesn't want *me* there. Dad doesn't go.

Dad gets a letter from mom's lawyer about how upset SD was and how it's inappropriate for dad to choose me over her. Some weeks later, there is a ballet recital. I bow out of my own accord. In the car en route to the recital, SD asks, "Where's Kim? How come she isn't coming?" Dad reminds her of the Sunday School incident.

So, both kids come for the week. On Father's Day, I happen to be working from 8-6. Son (who is migrating from 70-30 to 50-50 custody at his insistence) elects to spend the day with friends at an amusement park. He's there til 9PM. SD spends day with friends. Now it's 5:30, and dad tells SD he's going to meet me for coffee after work. SD *now* asks, "Aren't you going to have dinner with me and SS?" Dad says we (he and I) aren't going to eat, but he's not particularly feeling well in any case and will probably skip dinner.

We get home at 7. SD has eaten by now. Seems upset at something.

Yesterday, another letter from mom's lawyer:

"There's also an ongoing problems between the children and Kim. While I know this is a difficult issue for John, SD was most disappointed that John didn't want to spend FD with them. Apparently, SD said that he didn't feel well and wasn't going to go out to eat with them. However, he was willing to go out and eat with Kim, but he wasn't going to eat. Needless to say, the children are beginning to doubt his sincerity and their relationship with him. SD has made numberous requests that the children and their dad have a special time together..."

Now, maybe I'm projecting (because I did this quite a bit to *my* dad, too, after the divorce -- declining all his offers of time, only to get offended when I'd ask him at the last minute to cancel plans he'd made with someone else so that he could spend time with me and he refused), but I think it's wrong to let her get away with this nonsense.

First, she's complaining to her mom, not to dad. Second, mom is telling her lawyer to write letters, instead of telling SD to talk to dad directly.

But worst of all, SD is just being, in my eyes, manipulative and looking to make dad out to be a villian. I was out of the house by 7AM on Father's Day. SD had all day to spend with him. They could have gone out to breakfast (as we all often do) alone. They could have had lunch. She could have asked him, first thing in the AM, about having dinner. But that's not how it went. It wasn't until he was walking out the door to come see me that she wanted to know why he wasn't having dinner with *them* (them, while SS was at an amusement park for the day, of his own accord, completely indifferent to Father's Day?)

Dad is tired of this behavior (and of course it's too reminiscent of his ex-wife's actions) and just wants to shrug it off and let her skip her next visitation if she chooses (as she did after he skipped her Sunday School thing). He's tired of the no-win situations she's always putting him/us in.

Me, I feel sorry for her. But I'm also angry. And I'm trying to mitigate my anger with empathy and the need to do what's best. I think dad should call her on her behavior. Point out that she's just trying to be a victim, that she had all day to spend with him and opted to be with her friends, coming back to him only when it would keep him from me. This isn't the first time she's being very selective about what she remembers (in fact this is a big pattern of hers). But maybe that's too harsh, too. She's 15 next month. I'm out of common sense on all this.

Advice welcome
-k.

I think your husband has the right idea. He explained that excluding you from family functions is inappropriate and that SD cannot choose to include or exclude you at her whim. He made himself available for his children on father's day. When SD tries to keep him from seeing you, he sees you anyway. Now he wants to let SD choose to spend time with him rather than forcing her to. This all sounds good to me.

I don't think direct confrontation is always necessary. All of you know that SD is jealous of you, that she is trying to interfere in your relationship, that she is trying to make her father feel guilty, and that BM is resentful of his new marriage. It sounds to me as tho DH is just opting to be the adult. Take the lawyer's letters with a grain of salt. IMVE, attorneys despise writing those letters and bill accordingly.

You may be a little too close to the situation. SD's actions remind you of the rotten stuff you did as a teen. You see how unfair this is to DH. You want to call her on this because you wish you hadn't done it yourself.

BTW, how did things work out with you and your father?

jane

July 31 1998

Three hours later, everyone is gone. DH and I are taking a drive and DH says, "Jessica says you yelled at her friend and said, 'What the HELL do you think gives you the right...'" Well, DH knows I wouldn't say such a thing (particularly twenty minutes after the incident when I've had time to calm down) and tells Jess as much. Jess insists that's what I said.

Maybe I am just being thick. What's wrong with saying, "What the hell do you think gives you the right?"

My guess is that the friend did not intend to lie. She just overlayed things in her memory. In her family, the reprimander probably would have said, "What the hell...." Sticking to it was just stupid kid stuff.

I agree you should meet the friends parents. It does make a huge difference.

jane

July 1 1998

I wonder if I may get some advice? Let me tell you my situation. I'm a father of a 16yr old son from my first marriage. I have been remarried for 10yrs and have a 3mo old daughter with my second wife. My son moved in with us 7mos ago. The problem is my wife and son not getting along. I must say, the son is a very good kid, never in trouble, and excellent grades. I'm not just saying that because he is my son. My wife is an excellent mother to our daughter. She is also very quick tempered, and hard to have a civilized conversation with. The problem is, the minute she see's him she goes into a list of complaints. Everything from not cleaning his room (which we corrected), to silly stuff like fingerprints on the microwave and the floor cracking when he walks. His reply to these sometimes ridiculus complaints sometimes is your typical 16yr old "huh?" Then the fighting starts! She says he won't listen to her and goes into a fit. She's upset that I bought him a car. She's pissed at him when he's home. She's pissed at him when he stays away all day till late at night. You get the idea, she's pissed at him no matter what he does. So my main problem is, how do I find a way for these two to get along? I sure don't want to raise a little girl in this type of environment? Any help would be much appreciated!

Look, you obviously have already sided with your son over your wife. Just go ahead and file for divorce.

jane

P.S. You should have asked her before he moved in.