Thursday, June 18, 1998
Short-range parenting and long-range parenting
June 19 1998
i am no longer going to be a step-parent (yeah!!woohoo!!) but, in the interim, before there is a move out and after the children have been informed (which was last night, and not done in the manner we had agreed to....one more nail in the coffin) how do i deal with the his/mine issue??
[snip]
i guess more or less what i'm looking for is how to maintain some semblance of control over myself and (less so-let's be realistic) the situation with the children while they know i and 4yo are leaving, before we do so.
any idea?? or should i just give up?
Well, as you pointed out, you can't just ignore the children you are responsible for. Even if s2bx is being childish, you are still AIC to some extent. You could minimize that, by telling him not to leave his kids in your charge anymore. Still, even if you say that he should consider them unsupervised if they are left alone with you, you know you'll stop them from bungee jumping off the roof. And actually, they might do some acting out like that in the next month. If you are uncomfortable, don't leave your 4 yo alone with him.
I think of that as short-range parenting. The long-range parenting, all the issues related to them growing into good, healthy, successful adults, are out of your hands now. Just let go of your habits of fostering their creativity, teaching them discipline, helping them resolve conflict in their lives - that kind of stuff. As much as you may care, you can't do anything about it anymore. From the sound of your post, you never could.
It sounds like you care a lot about your "wild ones." The problem seems to be with their dad's parenting. Maybe if you concentrate on how they are feeling and how much you will miss them, you can minimize their feelings of rejection.
Regarding s2bx, the less you engage the better. Hopefully, the little day-to-day things won't bother you so much now that you are out of the long-term struggle. OTOH, you could end up arguing over every cd, candlestick, and towel. Watch "The War of the Roses." Mediators can really help a lot. Even an objective mutual friend that you both trust could help split stuff up fairly.
Good luck!
jane
