Jane's Posts

June 8 1998

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and I've met his daughter (13) and his son (15) twice over this stretch of time because their mother had custody of them and lived in a different state.

I'm currently pregnant with our second child together, and our son is two years old. Will (my husband) found out that his ex-wife was killed in a car accident a few days ago, and that we'll now have custody of the kids.

OMG! I can't tell you the horror I felt when I read your situation. I wouldn't even want to be pregnant with a two year old!

Once my heart stopped racing in empathy, I realized that you have a lot going for you.

- First, and maybe most important, you are seeking answers and support. You are thoughtful and caring enough to prepare for the children before they arrive. I strongly recommend reading some books on children and grief, parenting teens, and step-parenting.

- Since you have kid(s) of your own, you have parenting experience. You know how to love and care for children. Actually, a two year old is good, because there are distinct similarities between toddlers and teens.

- Even tho BM's death was unexpected, you and Will were already preparing for a major change and new arrival in your life.

- You are mature enough to put others' interests before your own, yet young enough to have the flexibility and resilience to adjust to this new challenge.

- You have been married long enough to have built a solid relationship and base of cooperation with your husband.

- Brutal as this sounds, BM's death has a silver lining. All of you are equal in having to deal with the problems of your situation. None of you caused it. None of you wanted it. You all have to deal with it as a team. Also, you will not have to deal with friction between the two households, an issue that can absolutely torture steps.

- Your newly resident children have not had enough contact with you to have any deeply entrenched patterns of resentful behavior. You can start fresh.

- Since you are much younger, the contrast between you and BM is diminished. Obviously, you will never replace her or even live up to her ghost. But you can still be an anchor and a source of loving, acceptance and support.

- You can provide the children with a new family member to love. New life can help ease the pain of death.

I absolutely, totally agree that you should get counseling, especially for the kids. The stress of losing a parent is phenomenal, and these kids just have to feel like they are losing their whole lives. Besides, since BM died suddenly, the kids are pretty much guaranteed to regrets and other unfinished business with her.

jane