Jane's Posts

Feb 4 1998

For the past six months I have been dating a woman who has three children (ages 9, 11, and 14). My children are adults - the younger one (daughter 20 yrs. old) still lives with me.

My woman friend's children are bright and pleasant in many ways. However, I am having considerable difficulty accepting their behaviour in certain situations. The problem is that the children appear to feel they ought to be allowed to set the agenda whenever they interact with adults.

For example, they typically completely ignore adults (me, their mother, store clerks, etc.) whenever they choose. When I come to visit at their mother's house, they frequently will refuse to greet me or even acknowledge my presence. They will often not respond when I speak to them. They accept gifts and various gestures from me (and others) without any recognition, much less thanks, unless their mother prods them to show "gratitude."

They also insist on having the food that they prefer at meals. They will only eat a limited range of things, and will have tantrums or become insulting if there is something they do not like or recognize on the table. (I pride myself on my cooking. It does tend toward the exotic, but these kids will, practically speaking, only eat wieners and mashed potatoes.)

The above examples are only instances of a general pattern. I suppose that their behaviour is partly due to their mother's way of rearing them. She is a very mild, patient woman - which I love about her.

The problem is, I probably cannot accept the children's behaviour. It is clear that my girlfriend wants me to be involved with her children and to share the parenting load. My own style is not NEARLY as yielding as hers. Bluntly expressed, I expect to set the agenda with children, while making some allowance for their need for freedom and control over their lives.

At some point I must decide whether to take on the challenge of a blended family. This problem (among others) is causing me to have misgivings.

Your wisdom and insight would be appreciated.

I think you have to try to look at this from the kids' perspective. You are some stranger who takes their mother's attention away and wants to tell them what to do. You don't like the way they talk, act, or eat. You cook weird, disgusting food and expect them to eat it. You talk about them behind their backs. Worst of all, you "expect to set the agenda with [them]." You must see that you are their enemy.

Your girlfriend's children are people just like you. You all have your own interests. You all want to get your own way. Your needs, desires, and opinions are no more valid than theirs. They do not like you or want you in their lives. You are not their parent. They do not and will not ever want to obey you. They want control of their lives at least as much as you do. When you consider that these kids probably want to slit your throat in your sleep, unenthusiastic grunting at your arrival is actually quite a feat.

So back off. If you look at the situation from a little distance, it should be much easier to deal with. Besides, if you pull back a little, then you and the kids won't be so polarized. Let go of absolutely everything you can. Start with the food - they don't want to eat your food anymore than you want to eat mashed potatoes and wieners every night. When you are cooking for the family, make what you like and want to share with people, but also include the hot dogs or macaroni and cheese that they would like. They are your guests. Your job as host is to please them. Treat them with the same respect and consideration that you would your boss.

Next, never use the word "agenda" again. Don't even think it.

You should be treating each other with respect and consideration. No one should be setting any agendas. This is not a business meeting.

Within your own limits, ignore their behavior. You are not responsible for the way they treat others. If you wish to influence them, then set a good example. If you cannot tolerate their company, do not go places with them. If they are rude to you, treat them as you would any other rude person.

As far as interaction with the children goes, just evaluate your position, set your limits, and stick to them. Be clear with your girlfriend. You don't have to tell her you think she is an indulgent, mollycoddling, doormat. Just explain that you won't go to a restaurant with them because it embarrasses you when the kids have a food fight. Or that you can't hear the symphony when little johnny is playing his kazoo. Whatever the precise issues are, just tell her.

Finally, give up this whole idea of sharing the "parenting load." I can't believe your girlfriend actually wants you to. I don't know where the father is, but she has been doing this for 14 years now, and has her own system for child rearing. As you say, it differs substantially from your own. If and when you decide to blend families, you can raise these issues of authority and responsibility then.

jane

Feb 2 1998

I see this question from both perspectives. I receive $400/mo child support for my daughter. My husband pays child support to his exwife.

Kids are expensive. It's not your ex's fault. Consider it the price we pay for getting out of a bad marriage and (hopefully) being happier in a new one.

jane