Tuesday, June 09, 1998
Partial dissent, with a twist
June 9 1998
[snip]
My other suggestion, and it may be a really bad one, so I'd like to hear dissenting opinions, is to let her have what she wants for a while. Back off, don't try to cajole or force her to accept her stepdad at her school or sports functions, things that center around her. .....snip..........You rob her of a lot of the power of her behavior if you let her make those decisions, and then she is forced to face the consequence. She doesn't get to do something that's fun, *and* she doesn't get to be the center of attention by making a scene.
When she does make scenes, give her a time out. Not a punishing one, just quietly and kindly inform her that her behavior is unacceptable and that she'll have to stay in her room if she wants to scream. She can come out when she finishes screaming and is ready to talk calmly. No expression, no anger in your voice, just put her in her room and lock the door if you can........snip...... She's allowed to be angry, but she's not allowed to act on it in a destructive way.
Vicki
Partial dissent, with a twist. Pick your battles. You cannot (and should not) be working so hard to change how your daughter FEELS. Concentrate on teaching her how she should act on those feelings. Time out for rage is a great idea, but you have to leave her alone until she is ready to come out. You can't follow her into her room after a half hour and try to make her like your husband again.
Your daughter has you by the short hairs and she knows it. As long as you and SD focus on trying to get her to like and accept him, you let her control the relationship. And she is learning to control relationships through withdrawal of affection and through abuse. So let it go. Accept her resentment of SD. But refuse to tolerate abusive language and behavior. Basically, she gets to hate her stepfather, she does not get to treat him like dirt.
Regarding school and sports, I agree you should let your daughter make the decisions, but I am not as nice as Vicki. I would call her bluff and let her miss the tournament. I certainly would not go without my husband. I do not believe for one moment that her soccer tournament is more important to her than your marriage is to you.
In the future, I totally endorse the suggestion that you continue to make family plans and let your daughter choose to participate or not. I also think that you should spend time with her alone. Just be firm and make it clear to your child that she can only choose to exclude herself from family outings, not your husband.
jane
