Jane's Posts

June 21 1998

[3 yr old daughter saying embarrassing things about other people in public]

Wondering about a third option. There have been some posts, here, where larger people have been asked directly about their size and have been comfortable giving some explaination that seems to satisfy the child, the mother and the person in question.

I wonder if it might be a good idea for the mother, when asked one of these questions by a child, to say "Gee, I don't know for sure. How about if you go ask the person if they would mind telling you the answer?"

I can imagine the worst reaction to this being the the person being asked would be gruff and rude to the child -- something that I have difficulty imagining when faced with the cuteness of a 3 year old.

This could be just great on the tolerance/acceptance issue, but it still would be awful on the etiquette issue. Maybe a 3 yo can't completely understand why it's rude to point at strangers' anomalies and yell things out, but you have to let them know that the behavior is unacceptable. They can't go through life asking people why they are different. It's none of their business. If my gangrenous member had been amputated, I suspect that I would not overly enjoy discussing the experience with strangers. The recipient of this kind of questioning might be no more than "gruff" to your little angel, but they might be HURT.

Isn't that the whole point of manners? To teach your children how to get along with others in this life? Don't we have a responsibility to our children to teach them how to avoid inadvertently insulting people?

I could see a compromise. Explain to your child that it can hurt people's feelings to shout about them or point at them. That's really the point; it doesn't matter whether the person is unusually tall, short, heavy, hairy, large-breasted or anything else. Then bring your child over to meet the person. That would help dispel the idea that there is something "wrong" about being different. What do you think?

jane

June 1 1998

What would be the polite way to indicate someone?

It is rude to draw attention to a person in any way that would be noticeable to them. It makes people uncomfortable to be aware that people are talking about them, especially when they can't hear what is being said. Like staring.

People I know all turn their back to the person and say, for example, "Don't look now, but the guy standing under the exit sign in the red shirt, looks just like jason alexander." But you never let the object know you are commenting on him.


So am I to understand that you would consider it rude for a three year old to point and say "look at that lady, she's wearing a red dress"

Yes.

Who died and made me Miss Manners?

jane

June 21 1998

Actaully, what is considered beautiful and what is considered ugly is rather universal, and crosses cultures and ages.

I don't think so. Even within modern culture there is a huge variance. Twiggy/Dolly Parton. Reubens/El Greco. Grace Kelly/Elvira. Arnold Schwarzenegger/George Hamilton. Michael Jordan/Johnny Depp. Then there is the body piercing and adornment that many find ugly but is a sign of beauty in some african tribes and suburban high schools.

BTW, on the original issue, I think it is important to teach children that it is rude to use terms that MAY hurt people's feelings. There is no way of knowing how any given stranger will react, so the word is presumed offensive to all.

jane