Jane's Posts

April 27 1998

Hi. I'm new to this group. My partner has a 1-1/2 year old child that he has recently managed to have on weekends (after much struggle with the child's mother, to say the least). He is a resonsible, caring, sober man, and loves his daughter deeply, and takes great delight in being in her company.

We don't have any children of our own, which is a source of some grief to me. I feel, at times, very outside of their relationship. Anyway, while we are both very happy to have (finally) his daughter in our life (we just bought a house together) I am finding that there is no "instant family" and am having some difficulties and, well, just wanted to connect with other step-parents for some advice and, perhaps, support.

Parenting is really hard, and step parenting is much harder.

I find reading this NG very helpful. People generally try to be supportive and helpful and to give the best advice they can. If you ask for advice, you generally get a lot of different perspectives. Since I am always questioning myself, my approach, my hidden agenda, my parenting style and substance, I find the alternative points of view refreshing. Sometimes you find that you have experience with a problem or question and you can offer someone else some help.

I have two things to say about your specific situation. First, when my baby turned 18 months, I wanted to tear out my hair. Up to that age, she had been my perfect angel baby. Overnight, she became a monster. I remember just sobbing one evening when I got home from work because she was screaming for her dinner and I couldn't get it because she wouldn't let go of my leg. I couldn't cook and hold her because I didn't want her to get burned. Fortunately, I figured out that if I gave her a little container of applesauce, that would distract her while I cooked her dinner. My point is that you are coming into the picture at a tricky age, and that you can expect things to get better. Don't let it bother you one bit if that child screams when she sees you for several months.

Second, I completely empathize with BM (biological mother). She is raising this baby and is not living with your mate. I don't know the specifics of what their relationship was, why they are not still together if they ever were, who she lives with now, what support she has. Maybe she is a single parent trying to raise a baby by herself. Maybe your mate walked out when she was pregnant. Maybe he cheated on you with her. Maybe she hates you for taking him away when she needed him to be there. Maybe he felt pushed aside when the baby came.

No matter what their specific situation, your mate and BM are linked forever through this baby, yet they cannot provide the child with the traditional nuclear family. That family is what our culture says you are supposed to give your child. Among you, you can create a wonderful, supportive, nurturing, diverse environment for this baby to grow up in. But to get there you adults have to work through any issues of guilt, blame, resentment, and jealousy that you harbor. It is really hard.

Best of luck.

jane

April 17 1998

>Is it considered safe to drop 9 year old kids at a local mall moviehouse to watch Titanic?
>Is is normal to tell those same kids that you have a beeper they can call if needed?
>Is this normal parental behavior?

Well, maybe. It depends on the area of the country where you live as well as the maturity of the children. Personally, I wouldn't drop off 9-year-olds at the movies alone but perhaps in a year or two. I also don't intend to allow my children to see Titanic (my kids are 10 and 8) but there are parents around who do allow their children to see it.

What are you objecting to? That they were allowed to go to the movies without an adult? The particular movie itself? Were the children uncomfortable with the situation?

Certainly my kids know I have a beeper they can call if needed in any situation, that's why I have it. Telling the kids THAT is normal.
Gail

I agree. Also, I am much more willing kids at this age stay alone at the movies if: it is the afternoon matinee, there is a small group together. When there are more than three or four kids together, they can tend to disrupt other viewers or sneak into the R-rated movies they are not allowed to see.

What could be wrong with giving your kids your beeper number?

jane

April 17 1998

I have a first grader boy who has very hard time getting the ideas of what his teachers teach in the class. Most of the times when he was asked if he understood his teachers, his answer was "NO". I think the problem has two folds:

(1). It's hard for him to understand by listening. His language skill developed slowly compare to his peers. We think that he learns mostly by his eyes.

(2). Sometimes he does not pay enough attention.

The problem is serious because he can not learn from school even though he seems to be averagely intelligent.

What can we do to help him? Is there any professional can provide assistance? Btw...we are located in Los Angeles area. Thank you for your help.

You have to bring this up with your pediatrician. School districts have to evaluate students with special needs and make out an IEP (individualized education plan?) The school counselor will know how to get an evaluation. Since the evaluation costs the school district money, not all districts are overly enthusiastic about helping parents get them. You really have to be an advocate for your child.

I can tell you this much. The federal law is IDEA, the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act. IDEA was changed last year. The state must submit an plan for complying with the federal law to the Office for Special Education Programs in the United States Department of Education. The California agency that is in charge of the State Implementation Plan (SIP) is the California Department of Education (CDE) Special Education Division.

Alice Parker is the State Director of Special Education. Tim McNulty is the chair of the Advisory Commission on Special Education and the special education director of the Los Angeles County Office of Education. California has three Diagnostic Centers for particularly difficult to evaluate students; one is in Los Angeles.

Do not hesitate to bring the issues of ADD and CAPD up with your pediatrician. You know your child best.

jane

April 17 1998

Hello - I'm a new mom of a 6 month old little girl, Kelsie. I didn't get any replys the last time i posted something about crawling- but I'll try again- this time, the question is about preparing your own baby food. I have tried to puree green beans, peas, carrots (cooked) in our blender, and it didn't seem to be a smooth as the jarred baby food. Kelsie gagged on most of it. Does anyone have any suggestions? or do i just have a bum blender? should I cook it longer (I've heard this takes out all the vitamins)...

Keep trying. I had the best luck with making my own baby food. It was cheap and easy and my baby loved it. I didn't have to carry all those bottles. It was great.

For some reason orange food worked best:

1) Wash and prick some yams. Bake them in a pyrex dish until they are very soft. Take them out and peel them. Mash them in the juices that leaked out into the pan. You can add pineapple unsweetened in its own juice, too. Puree.

2) Halve butternut squash and remove seeds. Bake until very soft, maybe an hour. Add some apple juice. Puree.

3) Wash young carrots (not the gnarly 3 inch thick ones). Cut them into 1 inch chunks. Boil until tender. Puree with some orange or lemon juice.

4) Wash and core apples in a pyrex dish until very soft. When they are cool enough to touch, remove the skin. Mash them in the juices in the pan. Puree.

5) Wait until the day after you would eat bananas. Puree.

I found that a food processor worked better than a blender. Adding a little juice thins the mixture and makes it easier to process. I just pureed the hell out of it, but you could use a sieve. I never added salt or sugar, but I did add juice. As my baby got older, she liked a little fresh dill or tarragon.

Also, I made batches of food once a week and froze portions in little plastic containers. I cooked it all at the same time. It took about an hour and a half. On my way to work, I took out "dinner" and left it on the counter. It was the perfect temperature when I got home.

jane

P.S. I never had any luck with pureed green vegetables, so I introduced them when my daughter was old enough to eat them steamed. She likes them fine now.

April 16 1998

Our 3 month old baby has started crying loudly when we lay him in his crib even if he has been asleep. He is fine when we pick him up so it's not discomfort. Any suggestions? (Please don't tell me to sleep with him because there isn't enough room in our bed for the 3 of us.) We'd like him to learn to go to sleep on his own. How long should we let him cry?

Please don't make your baby cry. He is crying because he needs you, not because he wants to stay up for the Simpsons. If he needs you to hold him at bed time, hold him.

I know this is a lot easier for me to say, as my child is now 10 and goes to bed promptly at 8:00. When MY baby was three months old, I was ready to tear my hair out. I moved her out of the bassinette beside the bed into the crib. I never once put her into her crib without her startling, waking up, and starting to cry. I am not kidding, I never once got it right. I could coo to her and rub her back for hours, but she just had to be picked up. When I picked her up she quieted and went back to sleep, but she woke up as soon as I tried to put her in that crib again.

Eventually, I just let her sleep in our bed. I understand that you don't want to do this. Since my baby inevitably slept sideways kicking me and her father in all our most sensitive places, I can see your point. We got a king size bed.

When she was a little older, I put a movie on for her in her room. She fell asleep watching the Wizard of Oz every night for three years. I know people will yell at me for this, and at the time I wondered if I weren't doing my child a disservice. I used to worry that she wouldn't be able to go to sleep by herself. I was afraid that she would have nightmares about flying monkies. The only side effect I have ever seen is her penchant for red shoes.

Anyway, my point is that everything worked out fine despite all my self-torture. My daughter falls asleep every night reading a book. She sleeps like a log. She never complains about going to bed. It's all a total non-issue. I think it is because she always felt secure falling asleep at night, first with us, then with the cowardly lion.

jane

April 16 1998

Hi! Sorry to intrude, but I’m a new mother and I’m looking for advice from parents. I’m thinking about putting my baby on a vegetarian diet, but I’m really unsure because I don’t want to jeopardize her future. However I really want her to be a vegetarian. Any suggestions would be helpful. Please disregard this message if you find it annoying. Thank you for your time and patience.

It really isn't that hard. There are lots of books on nutrition at the library. In fact, your pediatrician should be able to set you up with a meeting with a nutritionist. Breast milk is all you need at the beginning. Then you just add in fruits, cereals, dairy products. I always used a multivitamin.

I have to warn you, tho, what other people say is true: the day will come when your child will be interested in eating what everyone else does. When my child was four she came to me and said that she wanted to eat meat. I told her that I wanted her to make that decision when she was older and understood all the ramifications. She said, "Mommy, I understand now. I want to eat dead cows!" So I let her.

jane

April 16 1998

I think that exposing young children to brutality on the screen helps desensitize them and contributes to the general level of insensitivity to human suffering that characterizes our culture.

I completely agree with this premise. I never let my child watch violent Bruce Willis type movies. No guns, no explosions, no martial arts. In our circle, I am by far the "strictest" about movie content for the kids.

Also, I have not seen Titanic.

That being said, I think that children crave a certain level of violence in their stories. Somehow, they seem to need to confront human suffering. Just within my personal experience, this seems to happen when kids hit 4 or so. They want the wicked witch, the evil queen, the big bad wolf.

jane

April 16 1998

She's watched twister about 150 times. She saw that for the first time in the movie theater when she was 3. She loved it. When we came out she called the twister a monster wind. Lately she's been watching night of the twisters. She likes that even better than twister, even though its monster winds aren't as good, because it has a baby in it.

This is exactly what I meant about kids hitting an age where they really seem to need to confront their fears through stories. They seem to want the same story over and over until they work something out.

jane

April 16 1998

Good to see someone *does* want to be judgmental in the name of good parenting choices--especially someone who elsewhere on this NG advocates chocolate on demand as a reward for sitting still for a haircut...

You're both right. I mean you're both wrong. No, I mean you're both right AND wrong.

Sitting through a haircut is absolute torture for a two year old. And there is NOTHING in it for him. You get a kid you can stand looking at out of the deal. Why SHOULDN'T he get a reward?

Twister is not Lethal Weapon. Life is violent. Kids know it. You can't keep them in your womb forever.

jane

April 3 1998

I am curious if anyone is familiar with a step-parent receiving any sort of visitation with step-children after a seperation with their bio-parent? My ex-SO is a NCP of 4 1/2 year old F. I have been involved since F was 1 1/2. We recently seperated (on very good terms) and I am maintaining a relationship with F. He spends the night at my house approx. 1 night a week and I see him regularly at preschool (where I am teacher). My question is in regards to summer visitation. Father only has F for 2 weeks in summer. For the past 2 years we have taken F to Floridia for a vacation with my family. Because father's summer time is so short, he doesn't want to give up a week of it for my family (since we are no longer together). As the weather is getting nicer, F keeps asking me about Florida. I have been very non-commital, but am wondering if there is any way for me to receive a weeks worth of summer vacation from his Mom. Unfortunately, I think her response is going to be that it should come out of father's two weeks. Does anybody have any advice on how to approach Mom? Or is anybody familiar with any legal cases similiar to this? Any advice is appreciated.

I have heard of a case where a former SO was awarded visitation rights, but I forget the details.

I do not understand why you are considering this route. Bringing up the whole issue of legal action seems way out of line here. If you are on reasonably good terms with K's mom, then you should be able to discuss this openly. I gather that you have not yet. If K is bringing it up to you, then he is probably bringing it up to her too, right? Just mention to SO that you are going to Florida again this year and invite K to join you. Tell her he has been asking if he can go.

Don't make this a power or control issue between you and SO. You have good visitation as it is. It sounds to me like you are looking for a fight. Btw, if SO does not let K go to Florida without her, that does not make her unreasonable; he is only 4.

jane