Jane's Posts

June 25 1998

My son visits his father (who lives with his S/O) once a month for a one week period each month. He will be starting school in September so the week long visits will stop, however, we still have a problem to deal with now.

I actually get along well with my ex and his S/O. Actually, I get along better with the S/O. The problem we are having is that my ex refuses to discipline our son at all. His girlfriend tries to do a great job with my son while he's visting but my son now realizes that his dad won't back her up on anything so he runs around doing what he wants and gets away with it. He refuses to listen to her because he knows dad won't punish him! This is making life difficult for everyone involved. My son is starting to resent his dads girlfriend because she is the one who does all the disciplining. He comes home from his vists and acts like a monster! Anytime I try to discipline him I hear "well my dad wouldn't yell at me for that", etc. He won't listen to a word I say and is VERY fresh. After about 2 weeks or so he starts getting back to normal and then poof it's time to go to dads again.

I have spoken to the S/O about this and she agree's with me that the lack of discipline on dads part is a huge problem. It is making her life hell with my son as well as mine. I have had a long talk with dad a few months back about this. I asked him to sit down with his S/O and try to work out some plan to make it as though they are both doing the disciplining. He said he understood the problem and he would talk to her. She said he never even mentioned it! Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get dad to step up and be a father instead of a friend? It's especially not fair to my son and I feel so bad for him! Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks.

How about if you BD and SO all sit down with your son and discuss it. If they live forever away, you could try doing it by conference call or fax. Actually, maybe you should talk with the adults first, then gang up on your son. Let him have input on the rules and the rewards/consequences. Try to get his agreement to your extended parenting plan.

I figure your son is confused and resentful because he doesn't know what the rules are. I am sure there is a huge amount of common ground among you three (or four) adults. If you list all the obvious stuff like brushing teeth and washing hands before dinner, and it will give your son the impression that you agree on a million things. These may seem like petty little issues to us, but they are rules that your son lives by (and probably disagrees with).

I figure your ex will agree to lots of things in theory. He just does not want to enforce them in practice. Once you have agreed on basic guidelines, you and SO don't have to take all the heat for enforcing them. Dad agreed; it's right there in black and white. Of course, you'll still be the ones to say, "Tommy, that's a swear word, go take a time out" or whatever.

jane