Jane's Posts

July 14 1998

[snip]

Background.....My son's step-mom has been in his life for the past 4 years...for the first two as my ex's live-in gf, and the last two as his wife. Not that that really matters. Anyway, she and I have never met, have only spoken on the phone briefly three times (two of those very neutral and agreeable...the other I'm sure left both of us very steamed), and have a *very* cold relationship anyway. Oddly enough, my ex and I are good terms, despite some extremely rough circumstances...some of them occurring recently.

Anyway, I am hoping that she and I will finally meet soon...something I've been trying to get done for at least 3 1/2 years now. She is still resisting it, but their counselor is encouraging it and so is my ex (finally!). Had this meeting taken place a while back, I think I would have known what to say. I wanted to talk to her about the kidlet, mainly. What things he really enjoyed doing, where he was at developmentally (he was 2 at that time) and so forth...and to tell her that she was a very lucky woman to have the kidlet in her life.

This last is going to get you in trouble.

But. Now it is 4 years later, things have gone extremely roughly between her and my son, and she is convinced I am the cause for all of her problems.

What I am hoping for with meeting her is to somehow assure her that I am not a threat to her, and to brainstorm on ideas of how to improve her and my son's relationship. I hate seeing my son reluctant to go with his father because he might see her. I want him to be happy there. But, I am clueless about how to approach it with her based on the silent war we seem to have been having with each other and her evident resentment towards me.

I believe that the vast majority of our problems with each other are misunderstandings, not knowing the whole truth, and not knowing even basic truths about each other to be able to put each other's actions or words in any kind of perspective...if that makes any sense.

So, I guess what I'm trying to ask here is how, if this was your situation, you were her...how would you like to be approached after all this time?

[snip]

If you really want things to go well, spend a little time thinking about what you have to thank her for. Add up all the cooking, laundry, driving, cleaning, comforting, disciplining, and other work that she has expended on behalf of your son. Then try to remember every time you felt challenged in parenting your son. Dredge up all the bedwetting, tantrums, whining, spilling, biting, embarrassing remarks, refusal to eat vegetables, and anything else that taxed your skill and patience. Then consider how you feel about other people's children; do they ever seem less perfect than your own? Then remember everything that your ex did that drove you crazy. Then review all the negative things that have gone on between your son and her. At this point you should see that she might have a different perspective on how lucky she is to be SM to your son.

I am not sure why you want this meeting now (I completely agree that it should have happened years ago). If you just want to solve HER problem, you are not going to get far. I get the feeling that you are planning to talk things over and get her to change the way she does things. I guarantee she wants you to change what you are doing, too. Before you go giving her constructive criticism of her parenting, you have to be ready to hear her commentary on yours. This is a tricky area among the best of friends. Your cold war could go nuclear.

My advice is to go slowly. Just have dinner. Pretend that she is your college roommate's sister, or some other stranger that you want to like. Do not go out of your way to look your best; it just sets up a competitive atmosphere that you want to avoid. Talk about music, movies, or books. Draw her out and learn what she is interested in. Stay away from dangerous topics, like your son, your ex, and child support. You can't brainstorm with the enemy. If you have to get into it, focus your conversation on what YOU can do to help her. If one word of criticism passes your lips, you don't have a prayer of establishing a working relationship with this woman.

Good luck. I love my ex's SO and hate my husband's ex. I can't tell you how much easier it is when you get along.

jane