Jane's Posts

July 23 1998

The "butt out" remark in the Braces Debate thread made me start wondering about this. How do other families divide up parenting decisions?

DH and I are each bio and step parents to our children. We have no biological children of our own. We each were used to making parenting decisions with our exes. Now we seem to have evolved into a pattern where the decisions are his, mine, or ours. Usually it works out fine, but sometimes it is a little confusing.

As an example, we have different views on violence in tv/movie content. His kids can see Scream 2, but mine can't even watch EXTRA. Sometimes we have conflicts about whether one of the kids can go somewhere or stay over a friend's house. In general, I make these decisions for mine and he makes them for his. Occasionally, one of us feels strongly about the other's decision, and we discuss it. Of course, we both make innumerable everyday decisions about all the kids.

What I am asking is how much you and your mate make separate decisions for your biokids. Where do other steps "butt out?"

jane

July 24 1998

[kids with different rules]

Wow. Not criticizing, but I've got no idea how you manage this without one set of kids screaming bloody murder all the time. I mean, your kids are home and want to see Scream 2. You say no. Then dad's kids ask, and they get to go. Your kids react to this how, exactly? I know what my steps would do. I'd get your my version of Scream right here in the kitchen.

It doesn't work out that way, though. Maybe it is because mine is younger (11). She is used to me telling her that she can't see violent movies, that she must go to bed at 8 p.m., that she can't stay over a friend's house until I have met the parents, etc. She may try to change my mind on these points; she may even try to convince DH to help her; but she never objects to there being two sets of rules.

[snip]

I just don't know how you say, in response to "Bill's kids get to go!" anything akin to, "Well, they're his kids and he makes the rules. You're my kids and I make the rules."

This is pretty close to what we say. "Bill makes the decisions about Ty's movies, and I make the decisions about yours."

I would think it leads to a somewhat divisive household.

Of course, I've hardly answered your question (as I'm not qualified to). But I'd be interested to know how your kids deal with the situation.
-k.

Our kids are all in their second decade. They do not seem to have any problem with there being different rules. In fact, I don't think I gave this much thought until the "butt out" thread.

Our exes make rules at their houses. We make them at ours. My working relationship with DH is not very different from my one with BD. I am the primary rule maker; they are my advisors. Each can overrule me if they feel strongly enough. They do this rarely, and they are always right. I have similar authority with ex's house and DH's children, where they are the primary rule makers.

We do have conflict, usually when my rules indirectly affect SKs. If we are allowing all the kids to go to a movie, then it has to be relatively non-violent. There may be squawking, but DH or I just do the parent thing: "Fine, if you can't find a reasonable movie, then don't go." If the older kids all make plans to see a Bruce Willis movie, then the 11 yo just can't go.

There was a huge to-do when one of my SSs insisted on calling things he didn't like, "gay." (South Park has a lot to answer for.) To me, it is as offensive and bigoted as calling someone a "nigger." It took some work on DH's part to convince SS that this was a non-negotiable point.

In one way, this set up avoids conflict. Our kids usually don't "choose a parent" to ask permission. The kids all know that if the decision is questionable, DH or I will refer them to their bioparent.

jane

July 31 1998

[snip]

graphic violences is an absolute prohibition if it is gratuitous. violence in general is something that i screen on -- i think seeing it minimizes the shock and horror of real violence (never mind glorifying being violent "for the right reasons"!).

but we have watched movies as a family with very explicit and graphic violence where that was necessary to the story and the impact of the story. many of these are either historical or important parables dealing with ethical/moral situations that are important to us. examples:

"swing kids"
"roots"
"europa europa"
"schindler's list"

(we still intend to see several others that i would put on the same list)

during the latter three, we stopped periodically to talk about history and historical issues. all have led to long and interesting discussions about ethics and morality, and our kids have been seen/heard applying them to other films/television shows/books/situations in their lives. and in some cases, this has continued to happen years later.

Thanks for all the input. Just today, I was called upon to explain precisely why my daughter (who is now 11) cannot see the movie all her friends are seeing tomorrow. It is the current teen slasher, Bizarre Behavior. I really wished I could say yes, but according to the review I read, the movie starts with a football player murdering his girlfriend while she performs oral sex on him. I guess her friends' parents don't read the reviews.

Anyway, I think I pretty much fall into the same category as Vicki.

Also, I draw a distinction between human and non-human violence. She can see the Jurassic Park, Deep Impact, Godzilla kind of movie. I don't mind action/adventure movies like ID4 and Star Wars. I told her she could see BaseketBall, which can't have any redeeming merit whatsoever, can it?

OTOH, DH feels that the amount of time his kids spend in a movie is minimal. They learn their values at home. His kids can read or watch anything they want.

Incidentally, I never give the sex in movies a thought. It only bothers me if it is violent, which I already exclude. So I brought my daughter to see Soul Food, a movie about a family dealing with variety of different situations. For some reason, the couples kept having sex standing up. I wasn't sure what to say afterwards. She seemed to take it in stride.

jane