Jane's Posts

July 6 1998

Recently, my patience and interest in my 2 FSDs, ages 4 1/2 and nearly 6, has waned, and I'm worried! My fiancé (their dad) and I are only 82 days away from our wedding, which the girls will be travelling to America with us to be bridesmaids. I just can't get motivated with them, and have found myself becoming more& more short tempered, which means that I keep removing myself from the situation (room, not relationship) and I know they're confused... so am I!

Am I undergoing some evil transformation? What's wrong with me? Yes, I have a bio-monster to deal with, and yes, the children and I do get along really well. I just feel... fed-up with having to deal with them, and this is making me feel like dirt.

Any suggestions or insight would be most appreciated. I read the thread about feeling differently about one's "natural" kids than stepkids, and am wondering if I'm going through the early stages of this...? Except I'm not pregnant! I just don't seem to have the patience that I used to for their whining, whinging ways... and I *want* to. I love them a lot - that hasn't changed. It just seems like I have no tolerance of their faults. They drive me nuts, and again, I feel bad about this.

Well you could be turning into the monster SM from hell. OTOH, you could be a little stressed about your impending wedding, a major trip, the biggest commitment of your life, making detailed arrangements from a long distance, etc. Maybe the girls are more whiny and clingy than usual because they realize that there is going to be a momentous change in their lives, but they are not sure what to make of it yet. Maybe FH has one or two things on his mind, and is just a tad less perfect than usual. Maybe the whole "wife-and-mother-forever" concept is sinking in a little deeper.

If you want concrete advice, I think you should talk to the girls about it. When my daughter was their age (and still, now that I think of it), my lack of patience upset her much less if I just explained that I was grouchy. Then she didn't take it personally. She could understand that other things made me less patient than usual. In fact, it can be a huge relief in tense times for children to hear an adult say what they are thinking themselves.

I asked my daughter what she thought of your problem. She recommends:

1) earplugs,

2) spending some time thinking about what it is about them that is driving you nuts, and

3) putting yourself in their position and figuring out if you are doing something like being tense that is making them more whiny than usual.

I recommend taking a vacation alone with FH. I assume time and money are tight, because they always are. But splurge a little, and remind each other why you are in love.

jane