Jane's Posts

June 21 1998

My ex's girlfriend moved into his house with her two children last week. They are planning to get married next April. My daughter who is eight, came home and told me that her dad said she would have to call the girlfriend "mom" when they got married. My daughter is upset, but doesn't want to upset her dad by calling his girlfriend by her first name. Dad is a control freak, and has manipulated the kids to believe that if they don't do everything his believes, it is because they don't love him enough. I believe that the kids should call her what they call her now. In my relationship, they call my boyfriend by his first name, and when we get married, that will not change. Does anyone have any suggestions for what to say to my daughter?

Does it say anything in your divorce decree? Sometimes there is a clause that says that the terms "mother, father, mommy, daddy..." etc. are reserved for the biological parents of the child.

If not, just make sure your daughter knows that she does not have to choose between you. I assume you are above this pettiness and couldn't care less about BD's machinations except as they affect the kids. Reassure her that whatever she calls SM isn't going to affect your relationship with her.

Also, I would tell her not to worry about it too much now. A lot can happen between now and April. She should be establishing a good relationship with FSM. Hopefully, the woman will be kind and reasonable, and your daughter will be able to discuss this matter directly with her before the wedding.

BTW, is your ex a complete idiot? I can't imagine many things more likely to set your daughter against FSM than telling her that she will have to call her "Mom."

jane

July 21 1998

I just thought of something else. I never think of myself as my SD's mother, and it always startles me when she calls me "mom." My daughter, however, has never had any problem calling other women "mommy" or referring to them as "my other mother." Not just my ex's SO's, either. It's like a game with her when she is visiting someone else. It's a sign of affection.

OTOH, I have never heard her call DH, or any other man, "daddy."

I believe that this is because she has always lived with me, whereas she has never spent as much time with her father. It is as though the "father" relationship has to be protected. She can't afford to slip and call anyone else "daddy," because BD might start to slip away.

My point is that this might not be upsetting your daughter just because a) BD is pushing her around, b) she doesn't feel like STBSM fits the title, or c) she is afraid that she will upset you. Maybe she feels threatened that her dad will try to take her away from you once they get married. Maybe she feels like BD is trying to replace you with STBSM in her life as well as in his. Poor thing. At least she can talk to you about it.

The more I think about this, the more steamed I get at your ex. He is putting both your child and his gf in an impossible situation. If he had just left it alone, things could have worked themselves out gradually. I bet he is doing this to piss you off.

jane