Jane's Posts

July 3 1998

Some days...

We have both kids for a week (as part of our three weeks during the summer custody) prior to and including Father's Day. Now, SD has real issues with me and dad. When she graduated from Sunday School, she was to read a paper she'd written. She called her dad two days before and reminded him of it, quickly adding, "I don't want Kim there."

A long discussion ensues during which dad tells her that such demands (not requests, but demands) are not really appropriate. He asks, at the end of this convo, "Do you want us there or not?" She again repeats that she doesn't want *me* there. Dad doesn't go.

Dad gets a letter from mom's lawyer about how upset SD was and how it's inappropriate for dad to choose me over her. Some weeks later, there is a ballet recital. I bow out of my own accord. In the car en route to the recital, SD asks, "Where's Kim? How come she isn't coming?" Dad reminds her of the Sunday School incident.

So, both kids come for the week. On Father's Day, I happen to be working from 8-6. Son (who is migrating from 70-30 to 50-50 custody at his insistence) elects to spend the day with friends at an amusement park. He's there til 9PM. SD spends day with friends. Now it's 5:30, and dad tells SD he's going to meet me for coffee after work. SD *now* asks, "Aren't you going to have dinner with me and SS?" Dad says we (he and I) aren't going to eat, but he's not particularly feeling well in any case and will probably skip dinner.

We get home at 7. SD has eaten by now. Seems upset at something.

Yesterday, another letter from mom's lawyer:

"There's also an ongoing problems between the children and Kim. While I know this is a difficult issue for John, SD was most disappointed that John didn't want to spend FD with them. Apparently, SD said that he didn't feel well and wasn't going to go out to eat with them. However, he was willing to go out and eat with Kim, but he wasn't going to eat. Needless to say, the children are beginning to doubt his sincerity and their relationship with him. SD has made numberous requests that the children and their dad have a special time together..."

Now, maybe I'm projecting (because I did this quite a bit to *my* dad, too, after the divorce -- declining all his offers of time, only to get offended when I'd ask him at the last minute to cancel plans he'd made with someone else so that he could spend time with me and he refused), but I think it's wrong to let her get away with this nonsense.

First, she's complaining to her mom, not to dad. Second, mom is telling her lawyer to write letters, instead of telling SD to talk to dad directly.

But worst of all, SD is just being, in my eyes, manipulative and looking to make dad out to be a villian. I was out of the house by 7AM on Father's Day. SD had all day to spend with him. They could have gone out to breakfast (as we all often do) alone. They could have had lunch. She could have asked him, first thing in the AM, about having dinner. But that's not how it went. It wasn't until he was walking out the door to come see me that she wanted to know why he wasn't having dinner with *them* (them, while SS was at an amusement park for the day, of his own accord, completely indifferent to Father's Day?)

Dad is tired of this behavior (and of course it's too reminiscent of his ex-wife's actions) and just wants to shrug it off and let her skip her next visitation if she chooses (as she did after he skipped her Sunday School thing). He's tired of the no-win situations she's always putting him/us in.

Me, I feel sorry for her. But I'm also angry. And I'm trying to mitigate my anger with empathy and the need to do what's best. I think dad should call her on her behavior. Point out that she's just trying to be a victim, that she had all day to spend with him and opted to be with her friends, coming back to him only when it would keep him from me. This isn't the first time she's being very selective about what she remembers (in fact this is a big pattern of hers). But maybe that's too harsh, too. She's 15 next month. I'm out of common sense on all this.

Advice welcome
-k.

I think your husband has the right idea. He explained that excluding you from family functions is inappropriate and that SD cannot choose to include or exclude you at her whim. He made himself available for his children on father's day. When SD tries to keep him from seeing you, he sees you anyway. Now he wants to let SD choose to spend time with him rather than forcing her to. This all sounds good to me.

I don't think direct confrontation is always necessary. All of you know that SD is jealous of you, that she is trying to interfere in your relationship, that she is trying to make her father feel guilty, and that BM is resentful of his new marriage. It sounds to me as tho DH is just opting to be the adult. Take the lawyer's letters with a grain of salt. IMVE, attorneys despise writing those letters and bill accordingly.

You may be a little too close to the situation. SD's actions remind you of the rotten stuff you did as a teen. You see how unfair this is to DH. You want to call her on this because you wish you hadn't done it yourself.

BTW, how did things work out with you and your father?

jane

July 31 1998

Three hours later, everyone is gone. DH and I are taking a drive and DH says, "Jessica says you yelled at her friend and said, 'What the HELL do you think gives you the right...'" Well, DH knows I wouldn't say such a thing (particularly twenty minutes after the incident when I've had time to calm down) and tells Jess as much. Jess insists that's what I said.

Maybe I am just being thick. What's wrong with saying, "What the hell do you think gives you the right?"

My guess is that the friend did not intend to lie. She just overlayed things in her memory. In her family, the reprimander probably would have said, "What the hell...." Sticking to it was just stupid kid stuff.

I agree you should meet the friends parents. It does make a huge difference.

jane