Jane's Posts

July 31 1998

One of the many things I don't understand about the court regarding visitation is why not give the other parent who lives far away the whole summer instead of 5 or 6 weeks for the summer visitation? It seems in your situation, you live so far away that every other weekend or every weekend visitation wouldn't work.

I really think that this decision should include the child. They have a whole life with the primary custodial parent. Some of them just want every second they can get with the secondary, but others want to spend their vacation playing ball and going to disneyland with their friends. As they get older, they want jobs, etc.

Mine just turned 11. Before this, she was just too young to spend more than a few weeks away from "home." We live too far apart to allow for weekend visitation. Last summer, she went for two 3 week stints. It gets expensive. Even if I would consider letting her go for the entire summer, she does not want to. She fiercely needs to see her dad, but she wants to spend part of her vacation hanging around the pool with her girls, too.

Personally, I don't care. I miss her terribly while she is gone, of course. But her dad is her dad, and she adores him. As far as I am concerned, she can spend whatever time she wants with him. I won't force her to go for longer than she wants, though. I don't care at all what my ex wants or needs. As far as I am concerned, visitation is for the benefit of the child. So I go with what she tells me works for her. I am mainly concerned with enabling her to express her wishes clearly and without fear of recrimination. I don't know what I would do if she ever told me that she didn't want to go at all. I can't imagine it.

snip..... This summer and last summer have been hard to see SD go home because she has been telling us that she doesn't want to go home....... long snip.......... The mother and the stepfather told the court and others that my SD is not happy with us and we don't provide a loving environment for her (like they know what goes on in our household.) Children Services put that silliness to rest.

There are two things you should consider. First, it is perfectly normal for SD not to want to leave you. Sometimes, the pain of being torn from people they love makes children sad. This doesn't mean she is unhappy at home. She probably tells BM et. al. the same thing when she leaves them. Second, sometimes children try to please both sides when there is tension between the bios. It sounds to me like both sets of parents here think that the child is unhappy with the other. You know she is happy with you, but they are getting the idea that she is unhappy SOMEWHERE. I don't think SD is necessarily being dishonest, just that reality looks different to her depending on which house she is in.

jane