Jane's Posts

May 14 1998

Help!

I just found out that my children have been shoplifting. I got the heads up from another parent whose kids rolled over on mine. I am relieved that I did not get a call from the police.

Details: Bio-daughter is 10. SD is 15, and has been living with us for 5 months. Shoplifting appears to have been going on for a month or so. Stolen objects consist mainly of makeup and candy. Several other 10 year olds seem to have been involved.

My problem: I think maybe I reacted too quickly on this one. I grounded each girl from friends, t.v., phone for a month. I let other parents know that this might be a good time to discuss shoplifting with their own kids, without saying they were definitely involved (it was about as much fun as the head lice call). Since no other teenagers were involved, I have not discussed this with SD's friends' parents. Then I realized that if I had caught either of the girls shoplifting with a friend, I would have grounded them from seeing that friend. Instead, they are pretty much confined to spending all their time with their co-defendant. Also, to enforce the restrictions, either DH or I have to be home all the time. I have pretty much grounded myself with two bored kids for a month.

QUESTION: So what do I do now? Have I over-reacted? I think consistency is important, and I really don't want to rescind the grounding. Besides, I told the girls they were grounded for a month no matter what they answered my questions about how long it had been going on and how much they had taken (I was looking for full disclosure.) Also, should I have differentiated between the kids due to the disparity in their ages? BTW, this all came to a head the night before Mother's Day.

jane

May 19 1998

[different poster, similar circumstances]

Here's my dilemma: I could go to the store and ask them if this happened (small store, owner working most hours). But, okay, here's the problem: if he _did_ take it, then I have to tell dad, who has to make SS bring it back and all those yucky things that dads hate as much as kids do. And anyway, am I just hung up on this 'cause I want to show dad that kid lies a lot? Or do I just want to head bigger trouble off at the pass.

Thanks.

Do it. Don't expect to learn anything (different sales clerks, lots of customers, etc.), but do it. If he did take it, then he needs to return it and apologize, even if it's no fun for dad. To be dramatic, it's also no fun for dad to visit his son in jail for grand theft larceny or some other crime. ;-) The truth is that parenting is ugly sometimes. And hard. But in this case, I think it'd be worth finding out what you can about the incident.

And don't worry about your motives. The primary one, obviously, is to do the right thing and have ss do the right thing. The sense of triumph you feel at showing DH that his son has a lying problem can be enjoyed without feeling guilty. You came to it honestly.

Good luck,
Lisa

Listen to Lisa.

Obviously, since mine was the original post, I am having my own problems with handling this situation. However, one thing I am certain of is that I should have listened to those warning bells. My kids went to the store a couple of times when I thought their allowances were all spent. I just told myself that their father had given them money. Then I never got around to asking him.

Now I see I was a fool. I should have known. Maybe in the back of my mind I DID know and did not have the energy to deal with it. I really hate looking a person in the eyes and telling her that she is lying.

Anyway, kids don't seem to stop until they get caught. So you might as well jump up on this one. The whole idea of a confrontation scene may make your skin crawl, but you are better off doing it in your living room that at the police station.

BTW, this NG has been very helpful; thank you all very much.

jane

May 26 1998

[snip]

Our 12 year old was caught stealing candy and he had apparently taken many other things from other stores also. He was a steadfast liar and wouldn't come clean on any of it. snip We took away his new prized BMX bike because we wanted him to exprience "loss" like he casued others. (By the way I still have the bike up at Grandma's. Anyone want to buy it?)

He was grounded to the house for a month during which if he didn't behave well it would continue.

He was grounded from going into any stores until the end of the school year (this occured in September).

We also started calling him on anything that remotely sounded like a lie. We were not very concerned with making false accusations since he had earned this response. It is the real response you get when people discover you are a liar. I think he understands how easily you can break someone's trust.

That was a while ago and he's fine now.
Merrie

i have a couple of questions. what consequence do you feel best demonstrated to your son the seriousness of his infraction? also, do you feel that questioning him and checking up on him all the time taught him to be more honest? is he just honest with you, or is he more honest with everyone?

sometimes i have trouble differentiating between normal preadolescent activity and sociopathinc behavior.

BTW, my kids are STILL grounded and we have survived so far.

jane