Jane's Posts

May 26 1998

[snip]

Her son's father is a 35-yr-old, occasionally employed, volatile, drunk loser living with his mother. I haven't met the man yet, and I don't look forward to it... but it is probably inevitable.

You certainly have a firm opinion about a guy you never met. can't you give him a chance?

The boy adores him, of course. His mother and I take great care to never speak a word against his father when he's around.

Good job. My daughter's father can be such a total jerk that sometimes I hate his guts. I ALWAYS have to count to at least a hundred during our conversations, and sometimes I still lose my temper. But my daughter sees this entirely different man. It doesn't matter how successful or well-adjusted or reasonable he is. She sees the sensitive, fun-loving, caring man who adores her. she sees so much good in him, that it makes me feel petty for focusing on the bad.

He (my girlfriend's son) seems to like me a lot and sometimes calls me Daddy. This is heart-warming and strange at the same time. I would like to be his daddy someday, but I am not. I may never be. I'll never be a replacement, hopefully an addition. So I playfully remind him that I'm not his daddy. What's the best way to handle this?

[snip]

I get the impression that you are not ready for this level of commitment. If I am getting this right, you and your gf are moving cautiously; you have only been going out a short time, she is still trying to extract herself from a painful relationship, there is a child involved, etc.

Meanwhile, the boy is giving his heart to you. If he is calling you "daddy," then isn't he really saying that he thinks you are a family? Or he wants you to be a family? If things don't work out, you don't want to hurt him.

So, in a way, it doesn't really matter what the kid calls you. I mean, you can't playfully remind him not to love you. I just can't picture you sitting down with a five-year-old and discussing levels of commitment in relationships. All I can suggest is that you discuss this with your gf.

I did notice one other thing about your post. Please don't take offense if I am wrong. You never mention anything positive about the boy. I think it may be making you uncomfortable that you do not reciprocate his affection and total acceptance.

What I am trying to say is that you shouldn't worry if you don't like the kid as much as he likes you. You can't expect yourself to just automatically love kids because you love their mother. You never feel the same way about other people's kids as you do your own, and step-children do not automatically become your own. Especially if you have never had kids of your own, I think it is very helpful to read books about children and parenting. You could sort of get a feel for what behaviors kids exhibit at his age, what they feel during divorce, how they react to a new father, etc.

jane