Jane's Posts

May 14 1998

...last year, my stepson decided he didn't want to continue going to his mothers for visitation, claiming that he was being mistreated down there... we allowed him to stay with us in the summer time.... Here is my problem. Ever since he has chosen to stay with us, and not go to his mothers, my husband has basically, favored him over the rest of the kids.... When I talked to my husband about it, he said I was being rediculous, but even his 14 yr old daugher has noticed it....I am a stay at home mom, raising 5 kids....If I tell him to do something, and he doesn't like it, he gets mad. When he gets mad, he takes it out on me, and his brothers and sisters.

Now, I don't allow him to carry on like this, but I get so tired of constantly fighting with him, it has mentally wore me out. We constantly battle when his daddy is not there, cus he does not pull this stuff when he is. I have told his daddy about it, he talks to him, and nothing gets solved. So now I am at my wits end. I have told my hubby I cannot deal with him in the summer time this year. He says he does not agree with it, because he doesn't want to go to his moms. I told him its because you give him everything he wants here, that when he goes down there, and they tell him no…he thinks its unfair, like he does with me and probably battles it out down there too.

Somebody tell me….am I so wrong???? I feel like my stepson knows what he is doing, and he is manipulating his dad. I cant believe my husband can be that blind to it, and it is really causing problems between us. Anyone have any advice ??? Thanks in advance.

Of course you're not wrong. You know it, and your husband knows it. He is letting himself be manipulated because he feels that his son is finally seeing that he was right and BM was wrong. I hate that. He is screwing up SS by using him as a pawn in their own private war.

You know I try to tell myself that it is a normal developmental stage for teenagers to be manipulative, that it teaches them something about how to deal with people as adults. I don't know if that's true, but you should try not to kill SS.

The bottom line is: one person can't be allowed to control the whole family. Unless, of course, it's me.

I hope one of these suggestions will help you:

1) Have a long talk with BM. Find out how she feels about the summer visitation issue. It sounds like she started going through this struggle with SS before you did. Did she consent to canceling last summer? Does she want him this summer? What does the parenting agreement say? Maybe you and she can work together here.

2) Shoot your husband. Check his life insurance first.

3) Go visit a relative and leave your husband with the kids for a couple of weeks. If you have the money, go to Europe; they'll never figure out what time to call you to complain. There is nothing like in-the-trenches parenting to give one a new perspective. Besides, once in a while, it is a good idea to let DH see what exactly you do all day. Let him take care of a house and five kids for a couple of weeks and see how many bon-bons he gets to eat.

4) Tape your family. I have never done this myself, but I hear it can really work. I know this is very controversial and a lot of people will yell at me. You have a family meeting and tell the kids that you think you all need to work on your communication skills. [If DH does not agree, see Suggestion #2] They need to hear how they sound to each other. Tell them that you will randomly record goings on during the course of the day. They will object until you point out that they are always coming to you complaining about each other; this way they will have evidence of all the awful things their siblings do to them. Once you get a majority in agreement, do two things: hide the tape recorder in common areas, and don't say anything about it for at least a week to ten days. By now you know where and when the kids go at it and your SS mouths off to you. Obviously, you don't want to intrude on their privacy in their bedrooms or the bathroom. My friends who have done this say that there are two immediate benefits: a) the kids immediately become aware of their behavior to the rest of the family, as they do not want to be caught being the guilty party on the tape; and b) when they do hear the tapes later, they are genuinely surprised by how they sound. You may be surprised by how you sound.

5) Write down or have DH write down every reward or adverse consequence each of the children receives. This again will make DH aware of the parity in his treatment of the children.

6) Of course. Find a good family counselor in your neighborhood.

7) Send SS to visit relatives or to camp for chunks of the summer.

jane