Jane's Posts

April 27 1998

Hi. I'm new to this group. My partner has a 1-1/2 year old child that he has recently managed to have on weekends (after much struggle with the child's mother, to say the least). He is a resonsible, caring, sober man, and loves his daughter deeply, and takes great delight in being in her company.

We don't have any children of our own, which is a source of some grief to me. I feel, at times, very outside of their relationship. Anyway, while we are both very happy to have (finally) his daughter in our life (we just bought a house together) I am finding that there is no "instant family" and am having some difficulties and, well, just wanted to connect with other step-parents for some advice and, perhaps, support.

Parenting is really hard, and step parenting is much harder.

I find reading this NG very helpful. People generally try to be supportive and helpful and to give the best advice they can. If you ask for advice, you generally get a lot of different perspectives. Since I am always questioning myself, my approach, my hidden agenda, my parenting style and substance, I find the alternative points of view refreshing. Sometimes you find that you have experience with a problem or question and you can offer someone else some help.

I have two things to say about your specific situation. First, when my baby turned 18 months, I wanted to tear out my hair. Up to that age, she had been my perfect angel baby. Overnight, she became a monster. I remember just sobbing one evening when I got home from work because she was screaming for her dinner and I couldn't get it because she wouldn't let go of my leg. I couldn't cook and hold her because I didn't want her to get burned. Fortunately, I figured out that if I gave her a little container of applesauce, that would distract her while I cooked her dinner. My point is that you are coming into the picture at a tricky age, and that you can expect things to get better. Don't let it bother you one bit if that child screams when she sees you for several months.

Second, I completely empathize with BM (biological mother). She is raising this baby and is not living with your mate. I don't know the specifics of what their relationship was, why they are not still together if they ever were, who she lives with now, what support she has. Maybe she is a single parent trying to raise a baby by herself. Maybe your mate walked out when she was pregnant. Maybe he cheated on you with her. Maybe she hates you for taking him away when she needed him to be there. Maybe he felt pushed aside when the baby came.

No matter what their specific situation, your mate and BM are linked forever through this baby, yet they cannot provide the child with the traditional nuclear family. That family is what our culture says you are supposed to give your child. Among you, you can create a wonderful, supportive, nurturing, diverse environment for this baby to grow up in. But to get there you adults have to work through any issues of guilt, blame, resentment, and jealousy that you harbor. It is really hard.

Best of luck.

jane