Jane's Posts

Sep 28 2004 11:28 pm

Vicki, SO and I are going to be at RIT for Brick City Festival, arriving Friday, 10/22. Wanna get together? Dinner or drinks Friday night, maybe?
Deb R.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

That's Mt. Holyoke's Family Weekend, and we'll be in Massachusetts visiting Stevie!

Dinner in Albany? I'll be in Albany that week. Not on the 22nd, though.

jane

Sep 27 2004 1:31 pm

Okay, audience that's made it this far, at what age is a kid old enough to be responsible totally for keeping all of their clothes organized across houses?
rebecca

Depends on what you mean. If you mean having the clothing he needs for what he's supposed to do 90% of the time, 12ish.

If you mean knowing where everything is and being able to find it, never.

jane

Sep 28 2004 11:31 pm

and I'm totally unclear on how many clothes he *should* have here.
rebecca

3 pair pants, 5 shirts, 7 pair underwear, 20 pair socks, and 2 sweater/sweatshirts.

jane

Sep 26 2004 1:35 pm

I've been re-building our computer, I'm afraid, as well as doing research into building technology which reduces environmental impact and energy costs. We're thinking of adding an extension to the house with solar tiles to generate some of our own energy and possibly using hemp construction (much more environmentally friendly than concrete).
Wendy

Is it cool looking, though? I see the straw construction at environmental events and I don't really get it. Does it look like the house is made out of bales of hay? Who could resist putting three little pigs in the front yard? I have a friend who is a hemp dealer: www.hempys.com.

I have been fundraising for the upcoming election here. Remember I was talking about how political activism is all about parties this election? I have these parties and people give me thousands of dollars and I mail it in. I would never in a million years have thought I would be involved in fundraising. Life is such and adventure.

jane

Sep 24 2004 9:16 am

I thought others might have felt something similar. But then again I am probably not describing it very well.

I still don't know what you're talking about. If Lee asked DH for permission when I was in the other room, I'd be pissed.

jane

Sep 25 2004 11:28 am

Any particular reason why?

Well, what reason could there be for that? Permission is my job and my responsibility. When I'm out of town, DH is usually AIC. When I'm in the next room, Lee knows to ask me and DH knows to refer her to me.

jane

Sep 16 2004 10:44 pm

I am back from a wonderful two weeks in sunny Nebraska and have returned to the hell that is Southern CA. Anything new around here besides this Buster character?

Welcome back. I quit smoking. Lee is back in town.

jane

Sep 15 2004 10:32 am

Patronizing?

Oh, you mean, I have an opinion that you don't agree with?

Don't know what you'd do with a step parent like me? Ok, get off the rhetorical soapbox, and offer what you'd say to a kid in that circumstance.

It seems pretty clear that many (read, many, not all)people on this net are here because of concerns they have not as step parents, but that they are concerned about step parents. That was my mistake in judgement.

I still think that it would be really big of people to not think of their kids as chattel, and that's what the whole concept of 'feelings' in reference to how the relationship between a step parent and a child affects Birth parents. It's too bad that people's insecurity (yes, I still stand by that notion) won't let them accept that their spouse has moved on, and that their children are not their's to maniupulate (don't feel that way about her/him. don't call them that).

I'm simply promoting that the child's feeling be taking into consideration, and many of the people challenging me on this issue seem more concerned about the BM's feelings. Patronizing? I guess so, in that I'd expect that adults can better rationalize their feelings than kids should be expected to, and allow for the fact that they don't own their kids, nor their kid's feelings.

A fight! Four syllable words being thrown around. Things are really picking up around here.

For the record, I came here to deal with SPing problems. I couldn't care less if my biokid calls everyone she meets "Mom." I am SO all over considering the kids' feelings in everything.

It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong about the title "Mother". The fascinating thing about SPing is that you are bound to people you never directly chose to be part of your life. In other situations you can just walk away, divorce them, not return their calls, whatever. In SPing you have to figure out a way to deal with this other person who's influencing your children and your ex and your weekends and your finances.

What you appear to me to be doing is coming at this from the perspective that BM is "wrong." Whether or not she is wrong is irrelevant. Her feelings are a factor in your life now. You have to consider them in your decisions about the wisest course to take in any situation.

jane

Sep 15 2004 10:01 pm

However, just out of curiousity, would you feel the same way if your son or daughter got married and called their new inlaws "mom" and "dad?"

Deb R.

Thank you. I never got this "mom" thing really before now. I just forbid Lee to ever call her ILs "mom" or "dad," even if I'm dead.

jane

Sep 15 2004 12:04 am

It's me again. I understand what your saying but the thing is I'm currently a stay at home mom (raising 2 step children with new hubby) and I'm not planning on going back to work for atleast another 2 years (in school now for degree). My concern is that if he thinks he can break one rule in the divorce papers why won't he think he can break another. Our son doesn't get to see his dad that often and I want my ex to spend time with him. Our son needs his dad, parenting time to me is: the parent(s) spend time with their chid, not just the stepmom while dads at work. My ex seems more concerned with his job than his son and I do have it in my divorce papers that my ex will have him on only days that he doesn't work. It just crushes me to my sons dad make his work a priority rather than his son.

See, here's the thing: your ex is right. The papers really are guidelines. He can break the rules. It is fine to leave his child with his wife. You're not in control.

I didn't understand what you were afraid of or why you felt you needed to be in control in the first post. Now I get the feeling that you feel it all slipping away.

I totally and completely understand your frustration with your ex leaving your child with his mate. It's absolutely crazy-making. The kid does not need another mother; he needs a father. IMO that's the single most annoying thing that exhusbands do.

That said, you're going to have to change your tack. If you want him to spend more time with his son, you've got to work *with* him. You don't want to go into court with that piece of paper and say, "See, it says right here that he only has child when he's not working," only to have the judge say, "Oh, yeah, that's not going to work" and take that provision out.

That could happen, too. Things have changed since he took the job. He's older. He has a different job. He's married. He's probably planning another kid. What fit for him back then doesn't fit for him now, and what fits for him counts to some extent, because everyone wants to facilitate him having a relationship with his kid. [Many people will snort in derision here, but it's true.]

So what could work? If he's taking 24s on the weekend, he's getting days off during the week. Would you be willing to let your ex have SS any ten days a month that he is not working or just getting off work?

jane

Sep 9 2004 10:04 pm

Hey Wendy, I'm not sure about the lungs thing, I mean correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like I learned a long time ago in a health education class that a year's worth of heavy pot-smoking was about equivalent to 15-20 years of cigarette smoking.

They were lying to you.

jane