Jane's Posts

Apr 24 2004 11:56 am

aw, damn, Jane, I am as always in awe of your ability to be right.
rebecca

Please call my daughter today. Please, Rebecca. You too, Melissa. Somehow, she's blind to my ability to be right.

jane

Apr 24 2004 5:14 pm

C'mon now Jane, if I had written that you'd have said "good for her for being blind to your ability to be right! She's doing just what she's *supposed* to be doing."
Deb R.

And of course I'd have been right.

It's worse than that, though, Deb. Would you please tell me that randomly and unpredictably swinging from grabbing her and holding on to pushing her out of the nest is what *I* am supposed to be doing?

jane

Apr 24 2004 6:12 pm

Well, but duh. Didn't you tell Vicki this exact thing at this time last year?
Anne

Really! Did I? You're not just saying that to make me feel better, are you?

Oh screw it, I'll google.

jane

Apr 24 2004 9:01 pm

It's the random and unpredictable swinging stuff that we need to get a grip on.

I'm telling you, Deb, it's driving me nuts. Did I mention crying in the supermarket yet?

jane

Apr 25 2004 10:03 am

Jane also says that people go crazy when their kids are about to leave the nest.
Love,
Melissa

Okay, here's a mystery then.

I remember once telling Kevin's SO that I loved ASSP because I couldn't figure out problems in my own life, I could only see issues clearly in other people's lives and then apply them to mine. She assured me that many many other people were the same way.

Now this thing here, where I know parents go crazy when their kids leave, and then I'm completely caught of guard when I go crazy... is that common too? Or is it just one of the many charming foibles that make me me?

jane

Apr 25 2004 11:07 am

She won't be once you've apologised for your anger and frustration and chances are if you're big enough to admit that you don't know how you got there then she'll admit her own mistakes.
Wendy

Completely true. In case anyone else finds herself in this position, all you really need is two cell phones. Call Anne R (apparently the Eurocrowd can substitute Wendy) on one. Then call your kid on the other, and repeat precisely what she says. Your kid replies, "That's okay, Mom. I didn't think you were being a bitch. I just didn't understand why you were upset." Then you hang up, sob over some mangos, and buy enough toothbrush heads to get her through college.

jane

Apr 25 2004 11:12 am

All that you can do is embrace the nuttiness,

I'm glad you said this. If this is what this stage is, then I want to make the most of it. So far all I can really get a clear handle on is the toothbrush heads. Oh, and bursting into tears. I am so nuts.

jane

Apr 25 2004 11:39 am

Or is it just going to hit me like a ton of bricks a few months down the line?
Cal~

I don't know, Cal. A week ago I was where you are. I was thinking that all those summers Lee had spent with her father had been prep. Then, I was picking Lee and a friend up from a college fair, and they started complaining about the mother who's having a hard time with the trip. I said, "But you guys, you're all about embracing the future and charging into your adult lives, and that's just where you *should* be. But for us, it's the death of our baby. Our baby is gone forever." And then I burst into tears.

Since then I've been completely irrational. Or emotional. I think I have more trouble with being an erupting volcano of conflicting emotions than most people do.

OMG! It's my High Growth Experience!

jane

Apr 26 2004 10:25 am

I hate saying this, but having my children move on towards adulthood releases me to a new life as well and it's one I look forward to. It was my choice, certainly but I've focused on them for so long I'm looking forward to the time when I can focus on ME for a change.

I still think and believe all that good for her/good for me/natural progression stuff. I feel interested and excited that this is a whole new stage of life for me. I'm planning what books to write and where to travel and all kinds of fun adventures.

What's killing me is the conflicting emotions swirling through me. I can intellectually trace them to forces and changes in my life. It doesn't bother me that I feel them.

What makes me crazy is that they make me act crazy. It's not just sobbing over mangos. I get very upset when I can't get Lee on her cell. Then I find out that she was studying for one of the innumerable approaching exams in her life, and that ****I**** forgot precisely when it was. I am wrong all the time lately.

I can handle that. It's not my favorite thing, but being wrong and apologizing is not outside my comfort zone. What scares me is what comes next. Like Vicki, I don't want to be a mother who drives her kids nuts, and my behavior lately would drive me nuts. And like Deb, I really miss being a part of my kid's life. How am I going to learn to be supportive of this kid as an adult when all these emotions keep tripping me up?

My mind tells me what it tells Vicki. You'll figure this out. You know how to be love and be supportive of adults. This huge change is really just another step along the path. Blah, blah, blah. But then my heart yells, "my baby is gone forever" and I start sobbing.

And yes, there is a good deal of guilt in admitting this.

My point is: Don't be surprised if it hits you like a ton of bricks, but don't confuse the craziness with caring about your kid. I don't know what the minimum possible torture of yourselves and each other is, but go for it.

jane

Apr 26 2004 10:34 am

And I hate to bring this up in case it sounds like a cop-out, but could it be a particularly cruel combination of kid(s) leaving the nest and (peri)menopause? Hormones and life changes on both ends of the spectrum?
Deb R.

Yes, definitely for me.

However, I was discussing this with a guy in his 70s the other day. He choked up when he talked about his oldest son going off to college 30 years ago. Then a woman friend whose first son went off when she was at this same double-bind age said that she kept waiting to feel emotional but never did.

My friend, who gets along great with her adult daughter now, said yesterday that she thought the transition was easier on her because her daughter was so ugly to her in the year or two before she left for college. I'm trying to figure out exactly how we figure out with our kids what form this dance will take.

jane

Apr 27 2004 11:04 am

Maybe you don't? Maybe this is one of those times when you get to see how much has been internalised? Lou and I seem to clash all the time at the moment, yet a few months ago I kept thinking how much easier it had become. Funnily enough, no matter how we clash she always takes the time to tell me she loves me, and that's years of me telling her the same. Maybe it's their turn to guide us through it?
Wendy

Yeah, but you know how I see these things. It's always the dynamic between the two people that catches my interest. I mean, sure Lee's guiding me to some extent, but not consciously. I do see that if we're fighting over cell phones, we're both choosing the cell phones as the place to hold on, push away, hold on, push away.

I finally talked to my best friend last night. She has been working on her thesis or having her own life or some other damned thing. She immediately, without missing a beat, said, "Jane, she's lucky to have you. She can handle you flipping out over cell phones as long as you support her in making her major decisions." Damn, she's good.

But that's what I'm thinking, that we all do the dance in the way that suits our relationship. Lee could choose school as a battleground by letting her grades drop. I could choose the road trip by lobbying her father not to let her go. That's just not convenient or emotionally satisfying or something for us.

jane