Jane's Posts

Feb 03 2004 2:48 pm

I know I better than to respond to your post. I know that I will piss you right off, and you'll be bad-mouthing my sainted mother by the end of the day.

But then you say stuff like this:

I wake up every morning and my first thought is that today I'll be more understanding of the fact that she's only 11 years old and not as mature as I'm used to. I think my problem is that I compare her to myself at her age.

I am incapable of not responding to that.

All you have to do is flip it around in your head. This is all about you and your childhood. It's not your SD that is bugging you. She's a good kid, a nice kid. But there's this quality about her and her situation that hits a nerve with you. Weakness, helplessness, dependency, incompetence - that's what I'm getting.

It's not that you think she should have the same childhood you did or that she should be just like you were. It's that you are still reacting to that quality that you had to overcome to survive as a kid. She doesn't have your abilities to think on your feet and adapt and tough things out because she's living a different life. She's not going to freeze to death out on the tundra if she she can't trap, clean, and cook her food with her bare hands.

Is this making any sense? You love the kid. It's the helplessness itself that gets under your skin. You're programmed to reject it. Just remind yourself of that. When you start to feel upset, just remind yourself that no one is going to starve to death if they can't get the Kraft dinner right. When she bursts into tears, remind yourself that it is okay for her to cry. She doesn't have to be mature at 11. She's not living your life. She can grow up at a different pace.

Here's another thing. You know how hard your childhood was sometimes? You learned how to be tough and strong and resourceful, but while you were learning it, you probably wished it could be easier. You probably wished that you could cry sometimes. SD has an abundance of something you didn't get enough of. If you don't want to begrudge it to her, get some of your own.

jane

Feb 04 2004 12:25 am

SD has an abundance of something you didn't get enough of. If you don't want to begrudge it to her, get some of your own.

I'm not sure what you mean...but I think you're talking about love. As a child (and now) I got alot of Love. I would never begrudge Kelsey of love.

I don't know you. I'm just going by what you say. That's why I was vague. I wasn't thinking of love, though. I don't get the impression you begrudge her love. The word that came to mind was "coddling." And helplessness. I think you begrudge her her helplessness.

I guess I just need a way to understand her better.

Nah. It's yourself you have to understand better. Really. Whenever something drives you nuts about another person, it's all about you. Think about it. Millions of people have millions of annoying qualities. The ones that get right up our noses are the ones that we are touchy about.

Remember, I'm new to this parenting thing. I'm doing the best I can, but I know I'm not being the best dad I can. That's what I want more than anything else in the world.

I don't want to discourage you, but it doesn't happen in a day. If you're in this for the long haul - and you appear to me to be, - you've got to set yourself realistic goals. You're going to be screwing up and kicking yourself in the butt regularly. Go with "the best dad I can be today." And tomorrow you'll try to be better.

Thanks for the reply...8-)

Thanks for not calling my mother trash.

jane

Feb 04 2004 11:22 am

Somebody here said once that if you take somebody that REALLY gets under your skin, you write their faults on a piece of paper and put their name at the top.

Well, I don't entirely agree, but something like that. You have issues with other people where you have them with yourself.

Like me and punctuality. I am very punctual, and I used to have a big problem with people being late. Lee's father blew me off when we were dating and explained that he was in the ER with his father, and I said "they have pay phones in hospitals, you know."

Something (waiting for my father) made me sensitive on the punctuality issue. I rejected it in myself and in others. I had control of my own actions, so the rejection came out in me as punctuality. With others it came out as anger at their tardiness.

Anyway, it doesn't matter if people seem to drive you crazy because they're just like you or totally opposite of you. It's still all about you.

Jane, that's some heavy shit you're dropping on the new guy there.

Yabbut, he seemed troubled. I am a total sucker for troubled.

I know that the usual response to "it's not the kid, it's you" is "fuck you, it is not." But OP seemed really troubled by his reactions. He really didn't seem to understand why he was getting upset. And my experience with people who think about this stuff is that after they reject the idea, they kick it around in their heads, and where it's true it sticks. And this guy is spending a lot of time thinking about this stuff.

jane