Jane's Posts

Jan 02 2004 2:19 pm

Don't you ever ask yourself whether it's a kids' right to get the same treatement, same consideration from a stepparent, that the stepparent would give her own child? I do, all the time.

Oh, my. I don't think it's ever once flitted through my mind. World peace, yes. Equal treatment, no. I mean, where would that come from? I'm Lee's mother.

I can't see an emergency here. Without that, I wouldn't blow off my plans, because that would be unfair to the other person. Beyond that, if it were Lee, I'd hook her up. If it were my SKs, I'd expect DH to handle it.

jane

Jan 05 2004 3:37 pm

I see DH and I as a team. His kids are important to me because they are important to him. (And also at this point because I have developed a personal relationship with them over the years.)

When my mom got sick, DH did everthing for her that he would have done for his own mom. He still does. Lots of times I get too freaked out by her continual medical crises that need my attention. He steps right in and does whatever needs to be done. He does it for me. He never asks for anything in return. I don't even have to ask him for help. He just does it. I would do anything I possibly could do for his children, or for his family members. What's important to him is important to me, and vice versa. Family is family. Period.

Yeah, see, I don't agree. I'm Lee's mother. That's huge. I'm DH's wife. That's huge. I'm SKs' SM. That's ancillary. They have a mother. That's huge.

If your DH was in a tight spot and asked you for your help, I could see your position. But really, he just offered you an opportunity to spend more time with your SK. I don't understand why you would feel guilty. Maybe BM would have to juggle some and you could save her that trouble. But I'm sure she's capable of some juggling, right? So I don't see why you have the idea that *you*, not the kid's mother, not the kids' father, should be juggling.

jane

Jan 05 2004 4:43 pm

I used to ask myself stuff like that all the time. Now I know the answer. No, it's not their "right." Ugh. It is sometimes their privilege, and it is often impossible.

It's possible that this is the answer for you ... for me, I don't know yet. And maybe "rights" isn't the correct word to use, but I'm thinking that it should more than a privelege for a stepchild to expect the same treatment within a family that any other child would receive.

But the two kids don't have the same family. They're parts of each other's families, but there's another area that they don't share.

I can provide Lee with mother-daughter time. I can't do that for my SD. I can spend time with her, but it's not mother-daughter time. If Anne's SD wants her mother and father to go to her events, there's not much Anne can do. She can go and be a support, but that doesn't change the fact that neither of SDs' parents showed up. My DH drives Lee around, lends her his car, helps her with her homework, cooks her dinner, and talks to her about politics. He treats her about the same as he treats his BD. But in spite of having the same treatment from my DH, Lee really needs time with her father.

How did you come to the conclusion that your SD isn't entitled (for lack of a better word - I realize kids aren't entitled to jack) to the same treatment as your BD? I don't mean right down the line, but generally speaking.

Not speaking for Anne, but I'm Lee's mother. It's a huge responsibility and privilege. SKs are for the most part Not My Job. It's not a matter of not loving them so much as not being their parent. Like my nephews and my friends' kids. They have parents. Their parents often consult me, but the responsibility for raising them is not mine.

jane

Jan 08 2004 11:32 am

>But Nik, to be fair, don't you think that all stepparents have issues concerning how much they love their stepkids?

I don't.

I don't, either, now. There have been discussions between DH and me on the subject in the past, though.

jane