Sunday, January 04, 2004
Setting limits for the intolerable
Jan 04 2004 12:50 pm
What is it that I can say to her to help her deal with this kind of environment?
Thanks.
You don't think she's doing okay as it is? What would you do?
At your daughter's age, I think I'd rise to the bait for quite a while before I just shut my father off. Nowadays, I just wouldn't associate with people like that, but she doesn't really have that option, does she? So how should she set limits for them? Leaving the conversation/room/house might be an option.
Her problem is that they are treating her like shit by subjecting her to offensive conversations. Her father is demonstrating a lack of respect for her, not just you. What would you tell her if they insisted on talking about niggers or faggots or her best friend?
jane
Jan 08 2004 11:19 am
These aren't the only people who are ever going to try to push SD's buttons. She can't get into a screaming fight with all of them.
Anne
I completely agree about learning to control your reactions in a heated situation. OTOH, don't we all have stuff that we just refuse to tolerate? Stuff that we are entitled to refuse to tolerate? What do you do when it's a dealbreaker and you can't just walk away?
IME, this is a big challenge for teens. There are and should be limits to what one tolerates from other people, including family. What are teens supposed to do after they say they're offended and the other person continues to do whatever it is?
Do you see what I'm getting at? The specific complaint here is badmouthing her mother, an established taboo. I don't think Cal should allow the fact that she is the mother being slammed to obfuscate the issue here. What would you tell the girl if the complaint was calling her fat or calling her brother stupid or beating the dog? Because what Cal is doing here is instructing her on how to handle that whole middle zone between singing off key and rape.
So I don't see this as a question of self-control. I see it as a question of judgment. How do you decide what is tolerable and what is not? What criteria do you use? How do you deal with the intolerable?
jane
