Friday, January 16, 2004
A kid learning to make rational decisions
Jan 16 2004 10:56 pm
I see that if I act like a parent then I don't get to see my daughter anymore. Please show me where my reality is distorted, because I know it gets that way. Is there even a positive perspective to this?
Sure there is. Your daughter is growing up. She's learning a lot about life and relationships and choices.
When we make decisions, we mentally weigh the good things and the bad things about each choice in our heads. We try to figure out which one gets us the most of what we want.
This is not a skill to be sneered at. Did you ever take 4 year old to Baskin Robbins? They can spend hours, literally, deciding what flavor ice cream or yoghurt they want in a cup or a cone. And when they're 4, if you try to narrow it down to ice cream or yoghurt or cup or cone, they can be hugely indignant that they're not getting to have whatever you ruled out.
Then when they're teens, they just lose their minds. Half the time they're frozen in the headlights and can't make a decision at all (...but I want A AND B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and the other half the time they base the decision on one all-important factor, which changes every half hour along with the decision.
I know you hate it that whether or not your daughter comes to your house is her decision. But it is. And it sounds as though she's learning to make a rational decision about it. "If I go to Mom's, I can do X and Y and Z, but if I don't I can go out with Tony."
It's completely understandable that you are hurt that going out with Tony trumps spending time with you. But it's not all for naught.
jane
