Jane's Posts

Jan 20 2004 11:31 am

So his mother asked what it would take for him to do his homework, i.e. what reward would he like? He said that he wanted her and his dad, (my husband) to spend time with him by themselves once in a while. For instance, this week SS did fabulously on his math test, and as a reward they all went out to a movie together on Sunday. (Side note - my husband and his ex get along well. No shouting matches or petty sniping, just calm exchanges whenever they talk.)

My feeling is that a "reward" like that only adds to SS hopes and dreams of mom and dad getting back together again, and isn't an emotionally healthy thing to do.

I disagree. I think it's great that SS can talk about this stuff with his parents. I am very impressed with the way you all have handled this.

Every kid I've ever known had dreams of her parents getting back together. They knew intellectually that it was not feasible, but that didn't stop them from wanting it. And when you think about it, how could he *not* yearn for a warm, happy home with the two people who love him most? What else could make him feel as safe and loved and secure?

Maybe nothing. But at least his parents are understanding and willing to listen and to come up with a plan that gets him as close as possible to that warm fuzzy within the reality of the situation. Good for them. What better way to convince the kid that what he really needs is already there, that no matter how they feel about each other they will always love and care for him?

I also feel it undermines the family feeling we are trying to create between us.

Who's "we," though? You and DH? What exactly is "family feeling"?

The kid will feel most comfortable in an environment in which everyone's needs are met. That's safe.

Do you need something that you're not getting here? It sounds to me as though you do. Why don't you try doing what your SS did? Think about what specific thing would help you satisfy your need. For example, would it make you feel better if you and DH went out to dinner at night when he had gone to spend the afternoon with his ex and son? What if you, DH, and SS went out? What about - my personal favorite - going for a spa pedicure while they're off at the movies? You know, kick it around and see what clicks.

jane

Jan 22 2004 1:45 pm

We parents are the most important and influential force in our kids lives, and when we play into fantasies like this (and all for a reward for doing homework?), I believe we're doing unforseeable damage to them psychologically, and they don't choose to learn to live in the present.

This is where you need to focus.

Where did you get this idea? Why do you believe it? What evidence do you have to substantiate it?

To me, this is only a short-term band-aid, but with long-term negative consequences. What's going to happen when he gets to high school or college?

Optimally, he'll have built skills in organization, time management, tenacity. He'll associate academic achievement and work and learning with positive reward. With encouragement and reinforcement, he'll come to appreciate the intrinsic value of these things.

That's one way of looking at it. The other way is that we adults work for money. You're teaching him how to haul his butt to work when it's the last thing he wants to do because he'll get a paycheck at the end of the week.

Please don't take any of this personally...

Me? Don't worry about it.

it does feel good to put my thoughts down at least. And you sound like a person who can look at a situation like this in an objective way.

Well, sure I can when it's not *my* SS. This stuff comes up one way or another in most of our lives. Here, the last thing was my DH lending my daughter his car. We worked it out. She gets to drive his car when both say so. He has veto power on the car and I have it on the driving.

jane