Jane's Posts

Jan 29 2004 12:38 pm

Now this is were things get dicey and I need you guys to tell me if I am over reacting please.

Okay. I'm going to rearrange your post, though.

1.The man just comes in the house doesn't knock.

3. He calls on his cell phone to say he's coming to get the kids not can he get the kid's. And he usually outside in our driveway when he makes the call.

If he just called from the driveway, why would he knock?

Still, if it bugs you, just say, "Tom, do you mind knocking when you get here? I need a heads up that someone is at the house." You can't expect him to read your mind.

2. Just goes and basically makes himself comfortable anywhere he wants. He even uses our bathroom whenever he pleases.

7. He has some of his stuff in our house !!!!!!!

These are just a few of the problems and you can't even say it's because that they relationship has just ended because there hasn't been any and I repeat any intimate things going on with them in the past 6 years.

There is "intimate" and then there's "intimate." The level of intimacy between the two houses is way outside your comfort zone.

Talk to your wife about it. This stuff is all about your marriage and really has nothing to do with the ex. This is like squeezing toothpaste from the middle or the end of the tube. You and your wife are the couple. You're the ones with different approaches to this.

Talk to your wife. Maybe tell her that he just has too much "presence" in your home and that you feel uncomfortable and beleaguered. Tell her that you need to figure out a way to distance him from yourself without distancing him from the kids or interfering with their parenting relationship. Just accept that everyone's needs and preferences are different and important, and see if you can work out an arrangement that suits everyone.

4. ... but does he really need to make a 8 yr old boy feel uncomfortable and upset!!

Just own this one. You and DW screwed up. Even if you didn't know and couldn't read his mind, she just had to know he'd be offended. He shouldn't have had to talk to his son, but he did and he did, and now everyone knows.

5. ..... Now I know this is there plan but when their plan interferes with my money I think I have the right to have some say!

Don't do this to yourself. Keep separate money, or segregate the CS money, but don't get into the hell that is CS.

6. He's now made me feel uncomfortable in my very own house with people I love. My Step kids are struggling to talk because they fear that he will get on them.

Don't talk to the SKs about their father. The situation is too tense. They're stuck in the middle, and they don't want people upset.

So should I say something to him, or to my spouse what?

Talk to your wife. Maybe half the issues involve DW and her ex and the other half involve DW wife and you. Figure out which are which, then stay out of the former (CS, SD visitation, notice before visitation, etc.) and try to resolve the latter (knocking, his things in your home, etc.). This is a tricky process, and many people get divorced over it.

Her ex is like your job. It's her business, but it affects you. You talking to the ex about CS is like her talking to your boss about your pay. Ex showing up in your living room unexpectedly is like you unexpectedly having to work late. You wanting her to push for regular CS is like her wanting you to ask for a raise. You talk about this stuff and let each other know how you feel, but you can't get caught up in making your mate handle it the way you want him to.

I mean I am really getting frustrated because I feel that there is no level of respect on his part. Thought?

Well, maybe he doesn't respect you personally. That's okay. That's workable. Your respect for him isn't boundless, either. Just make the most of what you've got. And apologize for the "Dad" thing.

jane

Jan 30 2004 12:53 pm

Ok Jane let me make things more clearer for you

Ahh. Set your back up a little there, did I?

But my Mother always taught me that if it is not your home knock before you come in!

Right. Sure. The thing is, your mother's etiquette is not given equal weight by everyone in this situation. Think of it as a conflict of cultures. I have to assume that the walking in was fine with everyone until you came along and that you want to change the current system. You're not going to get people on board with "my mother said." It's off-putting. You open a whole can of worms: What the fuck does your mother have to do with anything?...Your mother isn't Queen of the World... Are you calling *my* mother trash?... Your mother isn't here now... Well then go live with your mother.

When you do things one way and the family you're coming into does them another way, adjustments and accommodations have to be made. It takes cooperation, team work. Nothing undermines the process quicker than "because I'm right and you're wrong."

You're coming at this with the attitude that BF is wrong because he walks into his children's home. That's not wrong to everyone. You're not going to get anywhere with "it's wrong because it's wrong and you're wrong if you don't see it's wrong." You have a much better chance with "it makes me uncomfortable."

jane