Jane's Posts

Sep 17 1998 12:00 am

I posted here about six months ago. I am still in the same relationship, which has progressed, but we still do not live together. I feel I need some advice from the group again.

Originally I posted complaining about my SO's kids - 9, 11, and 14. Their manners were bad, etc. etc. - all the usual stuff that comes from a culture clash between two very different families. The responses I got were pretty blunt. The gist of most of them was that I should mind my own business and not inflict anything on the kids. I took it to heart, I think.

In the past six months I have come to know the children better, and to like them better. I still avoid criticizing the children or attempting to modify their behavior. I have on occasion told them to stop some behavior that I find intolerable, but that has been infrequent. The kids have reacted rather well to it, partly because it is clear that they have begun to like me and trust me a fair bit.

The potential problem now is that my SO wants me to increase my commitment. She really wants to get married and move in together. She has made it clear that she would expect me to contribute to her children's financial support. I recently did some research at work (I am a lawyer) during which I came across information to the effect that, if I contribute to the children economically, I could be legally bound to do so in the future. That could be so even if my relationship with their mother were to end, and even if I never adopt the children. I could be obliged to support them if I stand "in loco parentis" to them. I do not know the full legal picture here. I may get some advice or do additional research myself.

Anyway, I have serious misgivings about this. In my opinion, I presently have no economic obligations to either my SO or her kids. I hesitate to incur such obligations. My own children are young adults who will certainly be calling upon my help from time to time to further their education, buy their first house, etc. My resources are not infinite. Am I being selfish in hesitating to increase my level of commitment to my SO and her kids? Does anyone have any experience with keeping "separate accounts" to limit the step-parent's economic role? It seems to me that might lead to a lot of friction and hard feelings.

I feel guilty about being stingy and mistrustful, but something inside is telling me to be very careful. I love my woman friend, and I like her kids, but - what should I do?

I agree with the conclusion other posters have drawn that you are not ready to make this commitment for a variety of reasons. However, you asked about the financial question, so I'm sticking to that.

Go pick up an MCLE book on family law in your state. Take a survey course in family law for your continuing education credits. Investigate the law of prenups in your state. What are your plans for asset division in case of divorce? Are you in a community property state?

I don't see asset and income segregation as any big deal. You just keep separate accounts and a joint account for household expenses. Always deposit all your income to your separate account. Future wife should always deposit to hers. Do not sign each other's checks. Purchase individual assets from your separate accounts and family assets from the joint account. That kind of thing. Any good family law attorney can help you formulate a plan.

Investigate the subject and see an attorney before you live together. If you and SO can't agree on these issues now, I don't see any point in fighting them out in your home. Surely you both owe the children some level of certainty about your relationship before you cohabit. Go with your gut on this one. It really doesn't matter if you ARE a stingy bastard; you are the person that SO wants to link her life with. If she's not willing to consider and respect your needs now, then the relationship is doomed anyway. OTOH, maybe you will find that money is really no big deal to her, and she will agree to whatever arrangement makes you comfortable.

I know you don't want to lose her. You really have to work this out with her, though.

jane