Jane's Posts

Sep 28 1998 12:00 am

I need your opinions! My husband is from Chile--very proper, almost father-knows-best. His three children are models of excellent behavior (12, 16, 20). EXCEPT! It is clear when they are here (3 months over christmas) that I am not really wanted, part of the team, etc. I understand and accept that they didn't choose me, papa did, and that they are unsure of me (he was divorced a long time before meeting me). There are also language differences. And I show my feelings, which is quite a shock to them.

The eldest (20) came to live with us for 1 year. He is an incredible human being--very intelligent, very centered. Like any parent, I am half in-love with him. However, he's made it clear he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all, and his father supports him in this. He literally stays in his room all day long--doesn't come out to get food unless I'm not in the kitchen; then he comes to get something, and runs back to his room. He has not developed any friendships since coming here (but Chileans move very slowly w/friends). He comes out only when his father is here. It is not that he's shy--he was being more social with me and having great conversations earlier this summer. He overheard two arguments between his father and me, and since then has shut me out. We had a no smoking policy in the house, and when I was gone on business for three weeks, papa apparently allowed the boy to smoke (a lot) in his room. The smoke seeps into the rest of the house. I'm on meds that make the smell of smoke really nauseating. Niether of them believe me, and when I told the boy I didn't like his smoking in the house, he ignored me. Papa won't support me on this; in fact, he will not speak with any of his kids about any problems between them and me.

His father spends 7pm-10pm with me, when son is at work. About 9:45, papa becomes excited, and when the front door opens, he's out of our room like a shot. The two of them cloister themselves out on the deck. I've tried to join them, but was frozen out--you could have cut the ice in the air with a razor.

I am not sure if (a) I have any right to be hurt (b) anything can be done about it (he leaves for Chile late Nov.) (c) I feel upset with papa or with son. I think that my husband could and should try to act as a bridge between us, speak with his son about cultural difference (women, I'm told, in their country just don't kick up the kind of fuss American gals do), ask for some understanding. He not only refuses, he comes home from work at lunch time every day and takes the son out for lunch. This went on for 2 weeks without either of them telling me. When I found out, I asked my husband if I could come with them sometimes. He gave me a look that said no. I tried to push it, but it became clear I couldn't without a fight. I poured out my heart to him the other day, asking him to please try to facilitate conversation, healing, connection...he hasn't, and continues to isolate the two of us.

I'm extremely hurt (especially because I don't have kids of my own, can't, and I've always wanted them), but I want what's really best for my step-son. I know this visit to the US hasn't been much fun for him--(but that's his fault for not trying!) and I'm concerned he's depressed (he says he isn't, doesn't act like it, except for the hiding from me.) I've tried several times inviting him to go places with me, and am told politely, no thank you. I've tried asking him to do things with me in the house, and he gently refuses.

Can anyone please give me advice?

This is my opinion, for what it's worth.

Step off. The more you push DH and SS, the more they will withdraw. They know you care. They know it tortures you when they exclude you. You cannot make them change this behavior.

So leave. Volunteer after work for the upcoming election. Join a health club. Take country line dance lessons. Sign up for a class at the local community college. Take up genealogy, and spend all your time at the local library. If you're not home, their rude behavior won't hurt you so much. Also, DH may realize that you don't appear and disappear at his convenience.

Or shoot them. ;-)

jane