Jane's Posts

Sep 15 1998 12:00 am

Help!

This has nothing directly to do with either step or single parenting. It is a parenting problem, though. I'm just hoping that someone can help. I am pretty confused.

My specific problem involves my daughter (D), her best friend (DBF), and DBF's mother, who is also my friend.

DBF: My friend and her mate broke up in June. Since then, DBF has become incredibly possessive of D. If they spend time with another friend, they always end up fighting. DBF interrupts every (literally) interaction D has with another child. If simple interruption does not work, DBF starts a fight by taunting, insulting, or "accidentally" physically hurting the other child. If D is not around, DBF behaves the same way but with a second or third string friend in D's place. The kids are all 10 or 11.

D: D is intensely loyal to DBF and thick as mud. She ends up angry with all her other friends for being mean to DBF. While I admire her loyalty to DBF, I am appalled by the way she treats her other friends. She just can't go to a friend's house and ditch him or her as soon as DBF arrives. My original solution was to limit D's group gatherings and push individual time with each of her friends. Of course, I also explained that her behavior is rude. I really didn't want to get into explaining that DBF is deliberately manipulating her, because I felt that was a lesson that D should figure out on her own.

My friend, DBF's mother: I can't talk to her anymore. For the last three months, whenever I make plans with another parent for D to spend time alone with his/her child, DBF ends up there too. I explain to my friend ahead of time that D needs individual time with the other friend as their relations have been tense. Invariably, she completely agrees with me and says that DBF can do something else. I get to the friend's house to drop off D and find that DBF is already there. This happens EVERY time. Of course, there is never a problem with DBF going without D.

Then, when the kids come home angry, my friend calls me up to complain about how mean the other child was to D and DBF. Even when we have all been in family groups, my friend does not see that it is OUR children who are being cruel and causing trouble. If I hear "Poor DBF" one more time, I will vomit. I point out that Tommy called DBF "fat" when he was in some pain, as DBF had just hit him in the face with a soccer ball, and that Leah called our daughters "jerks" when they locked her out of her own bedroom for a half hour. She replies that the soccer ball was an accident or that DBF told her that they just closed the door for a minute. For heaven's sake, we were both sitting right there. How can she be so dense?

Yesterday: The good news was that the cast came off my leg. Now I can entertain D's friends individually in our home again. I think I can just say, "I'm sorry, but no" when DBF calls to ask if she can come too. The bad news was that DBF's family is moving in down the street from us. It won't be long before DBF figures out that she can just skip the phone call and show up at our house. If I send her home, my friend will think I am being cruel to her poor daughter.

Please help me figure this out.

Jane

P.S. SIL says that this is all kid stuff that I should ignore. DH says that I am not clear enough up front.