Monday, September 21, 1998
Let kids handle the responsibility
Sep 21 1998 12:00 am
[What to the boys have to say?? They're old enough to have some input.]
They are ambivalent. They don't want to hurt their nan's feelings but they do want time to rest at the weekend (they both do paper rounds Mon- Sat mornings generally having to get up at about 6.00 am in order to be back and get changed into uniform and breakfast and otherwise get ready in time to get to school).
I can't gauge from your post how much your ex-MIL needs the boys' help. If she lives for their visits, or if she's not long for this world, then they should probably try to stick it. Otherwise, they'll feel guilty.
OTOH, I am amazed that your two teenage boys are so generous with their time. No matter how much they love their grandmother, every weekend must be pretty rough on kids their age.
Maybe they could start loosening up the schedule a bit, swapping days or taking the occasional weekend off. If I were your ex-MIL, it would be easier for me if there were a concrete reason for the absence, though. I would be more likely to be hurt if the boys wanted to blow me off just to do nothing. If they were going out of town for the weekend, or had a party at a friend's, or had a project for school, I could accept missing them much better.
This might be a good time to let your sons get some experience with balancing their own needs against others'. Maybe you should let them work out their own schedule with their grandmother. You seem to have instilled a sense of responsibility in them. You say they don't want to hurt her. My guess is that it's easier for them to grouse about the visits with you than it would be to ditch the old lady. They probably appreciate much better than you do both how much she needs them and how much they need more free time.
So why not let them handle the responsibility? If they really believe they need the time, then they won't feel bad about leaving her alone more. OTOH, if they feel that they are just being self-indulgent, it will be much harder for them to tell her they are not coming.
jane
