Jane's Posts

Sep 24 1998 12:00 am

I am the stepmother of two boys. My husband is the non-custodial parent who gets to see his children every other weekend and feels that he does not get to play a very active role in raising his children. My husband is having a very hard time with the fact that his children's stepdad is more involved with his sons than he is ... his ex-wife's new husband lives with them and interacts with them on a daily basis. What even more aggravating is that when a situation requires that the mother and father of the child be present, my husband's ex-wife brings along her husband. For example, the other night was open-school night for parents at my stepson's school. My husband drove up (they live 1 hour away) only to find himself in a room with his ex-wife and her husband. My husband was very upset and to be honest, I have to agree with him. I did not presume to take the trip up to this conference as I did not feel it was my place. It's annoying, to say the least, that this guy needs to be present in every, single situation involving the kids even when their bio dad is there.

I understand all the stuff that is said about how it's good for the children to having as many loving people in their lives as possible. It just seems that their stepdad's motivation is not necessarily so noble -- it's more to "stick it" to my husband or something like that.

Just wanted to vent. Any responses would be welcome. Maddy

Your husband is so lucky to have a caring, involved man to watch over his sons when he can't be there. I'm sorry he feels pushed out of the picture.

Those open house nights at school are really important to teacher-parent relations. It really helps teachers to see who the adults are in a child's life. It really helps parents to see what the children are dealing with at school. Since SD spends school nights with the boys, he needs to know what is going on in their school lives. He really needs to go to these things. Since you spend considerable time with the boys, you should go too.

I think you should encourage DH to see the positive side of SD's involvement. I'm not saying that you shouldn't let him vent. It must be very difficult to feel your place is being usurped. But the kids are benefiting from SD's involvement. Even if SD is grandstanding a little, he is still taking the time and making the effort to be a good parent to the boys.

You and your husband should focus on increasing your own role in the kids' lives. Rather than resenting SD for being there for his kids, your husband should put everything he can into being there for them, too. An hour drive isn't that far. You two should try to make it to every event involving the boys that you can. Join the PTA or the school site council; they only meet once a month. Go to their games, plays, meets, etc. Talk to their teachers outside the scheduled meet-and-greet nights. The more involved your husband is, the less he will feel excluded from his children's lives. The less excluded he feels, the less he will resent SD.

jane

Sep 28 1998 12:00 am

Merrie: I'm not a single parent but I have heard from my single parent friends that one of the harder parts doing it alone is trying to parent by yourself, with no one to bounce ideas or sound things out to. Your husbands ex has decided to parent their child with her current husband, and this leaves your husband outside the loop.

Maddy: Correct and you find this fair? His ex-wife was NEVER a single parent. The divorce between my husband and her did not divorce him from his parental responsibilities. He ALWAYS wanted to have joint custody and share equally in parenting his children. Unfortunately, she did not feel the same way ...

I'm not sure how you can say BM was never a single parent, unless, of course, she remarried the date her divorce became final. Even then, I would consider her a single parent between DH's departure and her remarriage.

I think what Merrie meant was that during the time the children were with BM, they were in a household with one parent present. This can be extremely difficult. It appears that BM has found a mate with whom she can effectively co-parent. Now the children live with two parents all the time: BM/SF or BF/SM. This is good for the children, because it gives them more stability and resources. It is good for BM because she has a helpmate. I assume that BF can also rely on you to help with raising the kids.

Neither you nor SF are taking anything away from the children. You fill a void. Once BM and BD broke up, the choice was between BM and no other parent in the home or BM and a step parent of her choice. SF appears to be actively interested and involved in the children's lives. He didn't set up the custody/visitation schedule. Divorce is sad and ugly. It's painful all around. I just don't see what SF is doing wrong.

jane