Jane's Posts

Sep 02 1998 12:00 am

Hello, I am dealing with a problem that is not very common. I've been reading things for a couple weeks, and it seems to me that people here are really helpful about giving different points of view, and that is what I need right now. Mainly, because I'm not sure at all what is right in this case, and I would really like to hear any suggestions at all.

OK, the situation is rather involved, so I'll try to shorten it as I can. I have two step-children, an 8yo girl, and a 10yo boy. They have both been through quite a bit. Their biological mother was incarcerated 7 years ago when they were 18 months and 3 years old. They had an older brother and sister. The brother is now 14, and the sister 18. When the mother was arrested, the children were all put in foster care. The Dad had a heck of a time getting them out because Child Protective Services were involved, and there was (false) accusations made by the mom against him. (Can you believe they took the word of a felon who was a pathological liar.) It took him over a year, and thousands of dollars in lawyers fees to get them to release the two younger ones to him. He had to give up on the older ones, for reasons too involved to get into.

The mother is not a problem at this time. She was released from prison last year, and saw the two kids for a about half a year. Dad refused to allow visitations after he found out her live-in boyfriend was arrested for selling Methamphetamine. He went and got his rap sheet, and he is a career criminal, with convictions all the way to age 18. Since we stopped visitations, she hasn't done much to force the issue. The kids, who started acting up terribly when they visited her, have settled down in the last 6 months, and are back to themselves (great kids - by the way).

Now, however, we have gotten phone calls from both older children wanting to see their siblings. The older girl was kicked out by her foster mother before she graduated from high school. She claims she doesn't remember anything from her younger years at all. She sounds to me like she is really messed up. We know she has experimented with Marajauna, because she admitted it to us, saying, "I don't do hard drugs or anything, just pot." She was living with a family that tried to help her out, but after they got after her for staying out all night a few times, she announced she was moving in with her mom (just a place to stay, she tells us). She works at Burger King, and says she is taking classes at the community college. The boy is still living with the foster parents, but has called us asking to see his siblings. It is kind of strange, though, because it sounds like the foster parents don't know he is contacting us. The foster mother is very anti-Dad, by the way. The brother has told his Dad that he is sorry about the lies, but doesn't seem to be too interested in a relationship with Dad, just seeing the two younger children.

Dad's heart is breaking for his two older children, and he really wants to try to establish some kind of relationship with them. However, he is also super-protective of the two younger ones. We are both torn. I am afraid that the older kids coming in to their lives now would disrupt them pyschologically. They are both doing so well now. We're also afraid of the kind of thing where the older kids pop back in, then disappear again. We have worked so hard to establish a very safe, consistent environment for these kids, and I'm afraid dealing with another loss would be very hard for them. They had been diagnosed with attachment disorder from all the disruptions they went through in their early life. Four years ago they had contact with the older children when they had a prison visit with their biological mother. She arranged it without telling anyone, and it was a total suprise. They cried and cried all the way home that day, and were quite upset for weeks after that.

If we should wait till they are older to establish contact, what would be a good age.

Lastly, are we doing them harm by not allowing visits with thier siblings?

So there it is. What should we do? Any advice would be appreciated.

Yes, of course you have to do it. You owe it to all of the kids. Family is so important.

I'm not sure why you are hesitant. From what you posted, it sounds like your teen SKs are reaching out for the first time in a long time. After the life they have had, this sounds like a big step forward.

It goes without saying that you want to protect the younger SKs whom you have raised. It seems easy enough to me to arrange some family events where you, DH, and the younger SKs can get to know their siblings. A dinner party, trip to a water park, even lunch and a movie could break the ice.

I wouldn't worry too much about the younger kids' reaction four years ago. I can't imagine what BM was thinking of when she planned that "surprise." I'm certain you would be much more sensitive. I also think you are borrowing trouble in worrying that the older SKs will abandon the younger ones, when they haven't even begun to work out a relationship. It is my understanding that you are supposed to help the children with attachment disorders form "appropriate" attachments, not avoid attachment altogether. If it is possible, I would discuss this with a psychologist. Are the children seeing one now?

Maybe you clipped too much detail from the post. The teen SKs don't sound like monsters to me. Maybe you are just dreading any further association with BM, even through the older kids. I don't see that an 18 yo staying out all night is any big deal. Nor do I see what SS's foster mother's feelings for DH have to do with anything. Even if SD does smoke pot, I don't see that she shouldn't have a relationship with your family. If you suspect she is high while she is visiting with you, you could just speak to her about it. In fact, since you discuss the subject openly, why don't you just go ahead and talk to her about it ahead of time?

Basically, i would do this: talk to the younger kids and get input; talk to their counselor; schedule plans for supervised visitation among all the children; gradually work the teen SKs into your life; and monitor the situation to see where the correct balance for your family will lie. I also think it's really important that you and DH discuss each step along the way.

Good luck. These kids probably need you.

jane