Jane's Posts

Sep 30 1998 12:00 am

I pretty much agree with all the other posts. I'm just going to try to expand on one or two points.

Please realize that the mom is not short on time with B. For instance, this October she will have B 17 out of 31 days in the month.

All right, now I'm confused. I thought you said that BM had SD T/Th nights. Does she have the child on weekends, too?

This has nothing to do with taking B away from her mom (how ludicrous). She does see her daughter frequently and B really wants to do gymnastics especially. The swimming we can cut out and work with her ourselves. She is in first grade this year, and we had told her that when she began 1st grade we would begin her gymnastics lessons.

This was a mistake. It seems frustrating, but if you are co-parenting a child you just can't make commitments like this. You have to explain that you will do everything you can but that you are not in control of all the circumstances.

We think that because of the scheduling agreement, mom should be a little more flexible and understand her daughter's desire to be in gymnastics.

Yes. And maybe SD can convince BM to be more flexible. That's between the two of them. What people have been trying to tell you is that if BM values SD's desire for gymnastics enough, then SHE will decide it is the right thing to do during her time with the child.

We believe that she would do better spending 1/2 hour in an activity than watching Teletubbies...

See this is another one of those inescapable co-parenting problems. We ALL disagree with the other half about some things. Unfortunately, since we didn't have the foresight to bite off their heads after mating, we just have to deal with it. As many have pointed out before me, if we agreed with our exes about everything, we'd still be with them.

If we do not infringe on mom's time at all (Tue, Thu, and e.o. Fri) the kid will be so bored, unhappy, and unsatisfied. Trust me, I respect BM's time with her daughter; as I said before, we get along quite well. And it isn't like mom won't *be* with B when she does these activities... she will be cheering her on as a spectator as most parents do. As it is now, she has B an hour longer than previously agreed upon. I do not believe we are being selfish or unreasonable, and I apologize if I came off that way. thank you for your responses...

No, you're just not getting it. You see that SD needs her relationship with BM. What you don't see is that she also needs her perspective (which is different from yours.) If BM wants to be a cheerleader and spectator during the time she spends with SD, she can choose to do that herself. OTOH, BM can choose to snuggle up and watch Teletubbies with her child. That doesn't mean that SD is not a priority. It means that SM has different priorities than you do. She sees SD's needs differently than you do. You believe that SD will be bored and unhappy without these activities. BM may believe that SD will feel insecure without enough quiet time alone with her mom. Or she may think that SD will be stressed out if she engages in too many activities.

What I am trying to say is that even if you don't agree with BM you have to give her opinion a certain level of respect.

Good Luck

jane