Jane's Posts

Sep 12 1998 12:00 am

Background; I am married to a man with four children from his previous marriage. For the coming week we have the youngest of the four ( Tom ) staying with us because my husband misses him and his x feels that "he will benefit from spending time with his father".

This is all good.

I have no children of my own and I was not instrumental in the break-up of the marriage. My husband works 12hrs per day which means that I will be in charge of said child who is already a very confused little boy.

This is all bad. Your husband absolutely, totally, 100% has to spend at least the first few days of visitation with you. You have to let the child know that you and DH are caring for him as a team.

Is it wrong for me to feel like a live in child minder, don't get me wrong, I want the best for everybody out of the mess that was the divorce but I have misgivings in specific areas:

My child (although I have none) would not behave the way that my step children do,

This is dangerous ground. If you have never had children, chances are you don't really know how they would act. Just as an example, many non-parents feel that tantruming, biting, whining, etc. are willful acts on the child's part. IMHO, these are normal developmental steps. We have to TEACH our children that this is inappropriate behavior. It is a long and sometimes frustrating process. It is not, however, the child's fault.

they have been taught or rather not taught manners, that I as a person find unacceptable, but who am I to change this behaviour even though my husband agrees with me and has seen the deterioration of their general well being since the divorce. How can we demand respect in our home when as soon as they go home it is back to the manipulative "care" of their mother?

Well, the bottom line is they have to have manners in your home. How old is Tom? I get the feeling that he is 4 or 5. If so, you have my deepest sympathy. Kids this age are whiny, demanding, argumentative, rebellious, and stubborn as hell. They have to do EVERYTHING for themselves, even if it takes 20 minutes. When it is your own child, you just tell yourself over and over that they are learning how to assert themselves and express their needs in a strange and confusing world. You patiently and lovingly help them to learn simultaneously self-determination and self-control. Other people's kids at this age are just brats. I don't understand how child-care workers do it. You've got to read parenting books on this age group to get some perspective.

All school-age children have encountered SOMEONE who expects to be treated with courtesy and respect. You just have to identify yourself to the child as one of those people. It's pretty easy if you and DH work out a plan. IME, kids test you pretty early on. Within the first five minutes, he will begin feeling you out through his actions and his speech. You'll know what I mean when it happens.

Don't over-react or let anything slide. Just calmly reinforce his appropriate behavior and point out his inappropriate behavior. If he swears, say, "We don't use that language." If he throws his stuff on the living room floor, say, "You can bring those into the bedroom now, Johnny. I'll show you the way." If he says that he is getting an A in math, say, "That's wonderful." If he brings his plate to the kitchen sink, say, "Thank you." It may be exhausting in the beginning, but it saves immeasurable time later on. Do not fall into the trap of letting things go for a few days until the child "settles in." It is completely unfair to the child. He has to know the lay of the land right from the start.

Things that worry me about this coming week are a million-fold but I'll narrow it down:

1, Taking Tom out in public is like having a lit match in your left hand and a stick of dynamite in your right (unpredictable), wish I had a pink neon sign saying "step-parent - not responsible".

Do not bring Tom anywhere in public until you are certain that he knows what is expected of him. When you first do, you may have to continue the "testing" process. Firmly, consistently, and calmly (I know how much easier this is to say than to do) let him know what behavior is and is not appropriate.

If Tom is quite young, you have to keep in mind that he is not a little adult. He does not have the tools for dealing with the world that we do. Your job is to help him develop skills for dealing with his frustration, exhaustion, excitement, etc. All kids just grab what they want until you teach them that they have to ask. Most kids tantrum when they fall apart. Just bite the bullet, ignore the censorious looks, and ignore him until it's over. It helps if you keep in mind that the kid lost it because you pushed him too far. The worst of it is that you don't know Tom well enough to be able to predict what activity is going to affect him the way four hours in a traffic jam would affect you. You really have to try not to me too critical of yourself or of him (or, incidentally of his mother, who is raising four kids by herself).

2, If Tom decides to wreck furniture and generally be a pain in the arse and I get inches away from wanting to smack him, is shutting him in his room and asking him to stay there until he can behave, a suitable way to deal with the situation considering that really I have no say whatsoever in the upbringing of this child.

No, no, no. From bitter experience, I can assure you that you have to deal with stuff way before the wanting to smack him stage. Brief time outs do seem to help kids get a grip when they are out of control. Sticking him in his room until he learns how to behave could last decades. Of course, you have to put some distance between you if you think you might hurt the child. Sometimes you have to give yourself a time out until YOU get control of yourself again. Don't worry too much if this happens; it gives you perspective for when he kicks you.

My best advice is to change the environment when you feel like things are getting out of control. When they get wild, most parents I know bring their kid to a park to run it off. There are computer programs that distract and entertain kids of any age. When I run thin on patience, I generally cook with the kids. Pretty much anything with eggs or peanut butter works. Don't be afraid of the tv, videos, or even Nintendo; for right now just focus on surviving the week. Also, they make all kinds of washable paints, markers, finger paints, etc. now. I have seen all the kids in my extended family (ages 4 to 15) spend an hour making puppets out of brown paper bags, colored paper, buttons, etc. And they got along! All kids seem to like anything that involves water, music or dirt.

I would appreciate any advice from more experienced step mothers than myself.

Good luck! I hope this helps. You might want to post to alt.support.single-parents to get advice on parenting a child by yourself.

jane

Sep 13 1998 12:00 am

(This is actually 'Mark' and not my wife Helen this time!!). Thanks for the advice given to my wife, some of it is actually quite useful for myself. I've got to admit that in our circumstances it is not ideal for me to be out at work and for Helen to look after Tom (4yo).

I am glad you realize the tough situation you are putting Tom and Helen in. We all do our best with less than perfect circumstances.

[snip]

I've had little contact with the children for about two years now, sometimes not seeing them for six weeks or so, (longer when I was in Bosnia), though usually once a month or more. In my minds eye I see young Tom lacking in a father figure, ( The girls aswell though I was actively being their father in their younger years which I believe to be the most important stage in their development ). From Toms point of view, he had a very loving Father until he was 2yo, and then I'm gone! (Bio-mum got a new fella actually). I think all my children were devastated really though BM does her best to convince them that it's best for them. ( Maybe she's right but there is nothing to be gained by exploring that now as it's allready happened!).

I am digressing again! With the limited contact that I have with the children I have seen a steady decline in their attitudes, manners and ambitions. Apparently all the values and manners which were important to teach the children from my point of view are now scorned upon. ( I don't know why either but that's BM for you).

This is why continued contact with both parents is so important. It's easy to throw out the baby with the bath water. In reality, both parents usually have a great deal to add to the lives of their children.

So, the childrens behaviour does quite often leave a lot to be desired. Helen and I agree on this - most things really.

I think that our problems stem from the fact that neither of us has any experience of step-parenting. Helen looks to me for advice on this but I'm happy for Helen to define her own role and have as little or as much to do with the children as she wants.

It may look this way now. My experience is that once a step begins to define his or her own role, the bio-parent finds all sorts of previously undiscovered opinions about what the step should and should not be doing. I say this as both a bio-mom and a step-mom. Incidentally, Helen really doesn't have the option of spending as little time as she wants with Tom during his visit, does she?

It's simple enough for me, they're my children and I love them, always will and can't change that. I think it's more difficult for Helen, she married me and not the children, I don't expect her to love them but if she does then I don't mind that, anyway you can't really plan for that can you?

I realise that I've put Helen in a terrible position this week (actually she is very, very good with the children - but it really tires her out). Maybe if she relaxes and doesn't worry too much about Tom's manners/misbehaviour it could be fun.

Mark, I can tell you're a nice guy. I don't want to flame you. You're not being fair to your wife. You can't lock her up for 12 hours at a time with an ill-mannered little monster and expect her not to worry about it. Don't even start to think, "Oh, he's not that bad, really." ALL 4 year olds take a lot of patience. Tom will be going through an extremely stressful experience. Not only will he be away from his mom, her SO, and his siblings, for 12 hours a day he will also be separated from the father he knows somewhat and be trapped with a virtual stranger. You're saying that the virtual stranger in question shouldn't worry that his behavior might tax her patience?

You love these children. You are responsible for them. You brought them into the world. You also have experience with 4 year olds. You can't say any of these about Helen. For heaven's sake, the least you can do is help her prepare. Tell her all you know about Tom, parenting, and 4 year olds. Discuss options for discipline and appropriate responses to different behaviors. Brainstorm about things she and Tom can do, places they can go, ways to work off tension, etc. Tell her that you don't want a Christmas present, you want her to spend the money on a full body massage.

With the limited contact that we have I don't think it's possible for us to influence either of the children's behaviour so I try to ignore the bad bits and have fun and show them that I do love them even if I'm not there.

I can't begin to tell you how much I disagree with you. Every single thing you do influences their behavior. If you ignore their bad habits, you reinforce them. What is the point of having Tom come spend time with you if you are going be gone virtually the entire time and not even attempt to impart your values to him while he is there? This may sound cruel, Mark, but they can have fun without you. Ignoring their behavior and bad habits is not showing them that you love them. It is showing them that they are not important enough for you to attempt to teach them how to get along with others and function as adults in a very unaccepting world.

Furthermore, if you don't take Helen's concerns seriously, you will lose your wife. You have asked something completely unreasonable of her. You obviously ignored, overrode, or talked her out of her reservations about this visit. Now you are denying her your support. You are telling her that she should just put her own feelings and beliefs aside and just not worry about how Tom acts around her for 12 straight hours. A lesser woman (me) would hit you over the head with a frying pan. The absolute least you can do for your wife is reassure her that you will back up any of her decisions 100 percent. You might also give her a foot massage.

Hopefully Tom will end the week with some nice memories, even if it is only 3hrs per night that he see's me. Hopefully Helen will end the week not too worn out, not too upset and you never know we may still be madly in love even if there is paint on the carpets and marker pen scribbling all over the walls!!!

Hope I havent offended anybody in my ramblings,

I hope the week goes well for all three of you. Best of luck.

jane

P.S. Please don't be offended if this sounds like an attack. I don't mean it as one.