Jane's Posts

Aug 25 1998

This isn't a survey, I have just been wondering lately about the availability and use of mediation in divorce and step-family disputes.

When I first read this I thought it said "medication." LOL I was sitting here thinking, "Well, prozac could be helpful if you were depressed, but....."

I was probably thinking about all the BPD stuff that SSM's post brought up. BPD is a good example of what I find problematic with mediation. Where there is a history of domestic violence, intimidation, abuse, or mental illness in the marriage, that carries over into the mediation. The party who is accustomed to submitting to unfair demands will continue to do so. The abusive or irrational party will continue to be so. In situations like that, you need lawyers to advocate, defend and buffer. Mediators can't do those things and remain objective.

In my limited experience, mediation requires that the parties act rationally and want to resolve the conflict. Unfortunately, everyone is crazy during a divorce. Many people do not want to settle their affairs without acrimony, they want to yell, scream, and pummel the STBX into admitting that the divorce is all his or her fault. It's the last best chance to get in your parting shots. Now if the parties have already gotten over that stage, mediation can be wonderful.

Also, I frequently find some sort of mediation helpful in dealing with my ex over visitation. Basically, we get along fine, but we can still push each other's buttons. Once we get going, we polarize. The solution to our disagreement is sitting right there, not very far off from either of our positions. But we need a neutral party to suggest it. Otherwise, it becomes the other person's idea and inherently unreasonable. Is this making sense?

jane