Jane's Posts

Aug 20 1998

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My fiancee and her 3 daughters (ages 3, 12 and 13) recently uprooted from another city and moved down to Atlanta into my house.

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The situation is this:

Mom really dotes on the youngest daughter who is a sweet girl, but very spoiled. On the other hand, Mom tends to be very abrubt and impatient with the older 2. Both girls are incredibly helpful around the house, polite and very sweet. But lately they've both been crying on my shoulder and making comments like: "Mom always puts us down", "Mom's never affectionate with us", "I wish Mom Knew how much I love her", and "Why does A(the youngest daughter) get all of Mom's attention?"

These are 2 girls approaching some of the most difficult years of a child's life and they feel totally alone. They feel more comfortable talking to Mom's sister, or even me, about important stuff. If I were hearing this in a vacuum, I'd write some of it off to teen angst, but I have observed it in action. Mom, who tends to be affectionate towards me and little daughter, very rarely shows any towards the older 2. Whenever I've delicately tried to bring this up, she says that she worked so much when they were young, that she never got to "watch them grow" like she has with youngest daughter. If this means she doesn't feel close to them, then I'm really concerned. She's very tough on them - and whiole they know she loves them - she seems to have little patience for their problems or issues. They don't feel they can talk to her about anything important. This really concerns me also.

I've been spending alot of time with them (taking them to movies, etc), trying to let them know that I do care about them (and I do, alot) and that I'll always be there for them. It helps, I'm sure - but I really think Mom needs to make an effort to be their friend. Not that I have any direct or indirect experience in this area, but I've got to believe that these girls need their Mother's guidance at this time in their lives - and that if she keeps pushing them away through her impatience, they could make some really bad decisions.

My question is:

How do I approach this? Should I? Mom has acknowledged her desire for the 2 of us to work as a team when it comes to the kids, but am I stepping over the line if I'm questioning her parenting? My main concern is for the kids, but I can be a friend, and even potentially a father (we've tentatively discussed adoption) - but I can't replace what they need from their Mom.

Thanks for listening.

Tough situation. If you read this NG at all, tho, you'll see that you are not so alone. A major step parent problem is dealing with what we perceive to be the bioparents' parenting mistakes and weaknesses.

If I were you, I would go slowly. Keep in mind that SO is going through an extremely stressful period and might be far more irritable than usual. She's trying to adjust to a new house, a new city, (a new job?), and a new person in her living situation. With her history with men, the commitment to you must cause some doubt and anxiety. She probably really doesn't have a lot of time for the older girls' issues.

Don't be too quick to label a 3 yo "spoiled," either. If you have never had one, then you really can't judge. They are not little adults. They need (and demand) a lot of attention.

This isn't very helpful, is it? All I can tell you is what would help me if I were your SO. If I had two preteens that I did not have time for, then I would adore the man who helped me steal some time alone with them. I would love to be able to spend a day getting back in touch with them without worrying about the 3 yo, the house, the job, etc. Even an afternoon would be grand. Actually, time alone with each of them would probably be even better.

Also, if you haven't already, find a sitter for the little one. Sometimes it is hard when you are from out of town.

jane