Jane's Posts

Aug 26 1998

... After all, if things don't work I lose my stepson anyway, so the relationship with my husband is pretty crucial to that.

My ex's first SO after we split up was a BM's dream. If she had any issues with me personally, she kept them to herself. The ex and I were having a lot of trouble with visitation (because he was being a total jerk), which she just smoothed over. For example, whereas he would call me and say, "Look, something came up, I have to take Lee tomorrow instead of today," she would call and say, "Gee, Jane, I'm really sorry, but something came up, do you think there is any way we could switch tomorrow for today?" Her acknowledgment that she might be inconveniencing me made all the difference in the world.

Besides that, she really loved my kid. She spent a lot more time with her than the ex did, too.

Anyway, she and my ex split up four or five years ago, but she maintains a relationship with my daughter. Since the ex and I are live on opposite coasts now, she gets one to two days visitation three times a year. This comes out of "his" time. It's not a lot, but along with cards, letters, and telephone calls it is sufficient for them to stay close.

It fascinates me that this arrangement is fine with everyone. It may be the only aspect of visitation that causes no tension between the ex and me. He makes all east coast arrangements. I remind my daughter to call her periodically. We all seem to get along fine with her husband and SKs. If there is any tension with the current SO, it never comes through to my daughter or to me. The only hint of it I have ever seen is that the current and former SOs do seem to try to out shop each other while my daughter is back east. Hell, I can live with that.

I'm rambling here. My point is that you don't have to lose the kid.

jane