Jane's Posts

Aug 20 1998

Background: I live with my girlfriend and her 6.5 year old daughter, have done so for 2.5 years.

Last night, we made a deal with the kid, that if she went the grocery and was good, we would get ice cream at the local parlor when she and her mom returned. I did not go with them to the grocery.

When they returned, we packed away the groceries, loaded up, and headed to the parlor. On the way, I asked, "How was the grocery store?" "Stressful!", replied my SO. "Then why are we going to get Ice Cream? Sarah, we're you good?", I retorted. "No", the kid said defiantly. At that point I said that we cannot get ice cream, and we returned to the house.

This morning, I looked on the table, and there sat a small bowl with Ice cream residue. The child received Ice cream from her mother, even though the child was not good???

So, now I look like the mean boyfriend!!!

I am not the child's parent, but it appears that I'm the only one who is going to enforce any rules with the child, but I don't feel that that is my entire duty.

Please Advise.

I do not see this situation as other posters have. I don't see how SO's decision to buy her daughter ice cream later that evening has anything to do with you.

You all agreed that if the child did not behave well at the store, then she would not go to the ice cream parlor on the way home. She didn't, you didn't. No one's authority was undermined.

What happened later is a separate event. Apparently, SO was alone with the child and decided that ice cream was appropriate then. Without further information, this sounds like a perfectly reasonable decision to me. No one agreed that there would be no more ice cream for life. It doesn't sound like the child went to the ice cream parlor at all.

I don't know where you were during all SO's interaction with the child. However, since you were not present, you sound like you are trying to run the household by remote control. Since you discuss only this one incident, I don't see why you doubt SO's judgment. She witnessed/endured the grocery store behavior. Why don't you trust her to decide how long the ice cream embargo should last? In my experience (and I once grounded my children for a month), the immediacy of a consequence is more important in disciplining young children than its duration is.

As you said, you are not this child's parent. So you have to consider the question: Who are you to be making decisions and enforcing rules at all? People on this board can't tell you what your role is. You have to work this out with SO. If you two decide that you will be a parental figure and that you will participate in parenting decisions and discipline, then set the ground rules and hammer out the details as a couple. Take a parenting class together, if possible. OTOH, maybe SO does not want your help or input in parenting her child. Either way, this sounds like a good time to figure out together what everyone's duties, rights, and responsibilities are.

jane

Aug 22 1998

I do not see this situation as other posters have. I don't see how SO's decision to buy her daughter ice cream later that evening has anything to do with you.

I have to disagree with you here. Steve wrote

Last night, we made a deal with the kid, that if she went the grocery and was good, we would get ice cream at the local parlor when she and her mom returned. I did not go with them to the grocery.

It certainly sounds like they made the decision together about the ice cream trip. Even if Steve wasn't at the grocery store, the decision had already been made by both parents.

Secondly, Sarah knew she had misbehaved and she was playing one parent off against the other.

Steve did what he felt was necessary as a parent.(He is one!) Perhaps it would have been better to confront the mother after the fact but then Sarah would have succeeded in her goal.

I still don't see why their decision after the grocery store has anything to do with what happened later that night. A trip to the ice cream parlor as a reward during an outing is not the same as a dish of ice cream at the kitchen table before bed. As I said before, no one agreed that there would be no ice cream for life.

Steve is not a parent. I do not imply that no SO can assume parenting responsibilities. Steve said, "I am not the child's parent,..." I figure he knows.

jane