Jane's Posts

Aug 18 1998

My DH's ex is coming to visit at the end of this month. And she's staying with my in-laws.

[snip]

I can deal with her being a part of our lives. I go for months on end...even years on end...being very nice and friendly and even visit sometimes. I just can't deal with her being a part of my in-laws' lives!

[snip]

Why do they have to stay in my in-laws' home and how do I deal with it???
lil

Your wedding story made me laugh.

I hope the vent made you feel better. You'll do fine, you know.

I've been through this situation from all different perspectives. My ex had 16 siblings. Some would not accept me because of their allegiance to his first wife. Some cut me dead when I left him. Some insist on bad-mouthing his SO to me. I went to a wedding where some of the groom's family made it clear that they wished he were marrying my sister. In-laws can be assholes.

It is completely within your power to make this visit tolerable. Force yourself to let go of the "they like her better" thing. They may, but who cares? Lots of people (e.g. DH) like you better. Sure, it would be easier to spend the weekend with those people. Since you are feeling vulnerable, line up a few friends for moral support. Keep someone on call at all times. If necessary, ask your best friend to change her answering machine message to, "You are a wonderful person. You are a wonderful wife. You are a wonderful mother," so that you can get a fix whenever you need it.

Point your mind toward your positive feelings for BM. Sure she can drive you nuts, but you also have sympathy and respect for her. She deserves a break, too. If you throw yourself into making this a nice visit for her, it will be easier for you. Just rise above the stupid things the IL's say and do. Keep in mind that they had a real relationship with this woman that had nothing to do you. Things didn't work out, but they probably want to remember the "glory days" of hope and promise. And keep in mind that things while this may be the ex's day in the sun, the IL's have had their bad days with her, too.

Do whatever you can to make this tolerable. Brainstorm with DH. Explain exactly how you feel. Make sure you have a hair cut and pedicure before they come. There is no reason why you or DH have to spend more than a few hours at your IL's. BIL can visit you at your house too. Can you plan a cookout or dinner at your house one of the days? It might help to be on your own turf. Bond up a storm with the IL's ahead of time. If you work with them preparing for the visit, then maybe you won't feel so left out while she is here.

You know, if it gets to you, you can run back here and vent every half hour or so. You can do this.

Aug 22 1998

[snip]

However, I would like to add that the "past" does need to remember that it *is* a past and his/her place in the scheme of things has changed, however slightly. He/she is technically no longer a member of the family and should not expect to be considered such. It's wonderful if they can maintain a friendly relationship, but not all family members will necessarily see it that way--the new spouse in particular. No matter how open minded a person is (since I pride myself on being extremely open minded), there is bound to be at least a hint of uneasiness.


Right, but there is always some uneasiness. New spouses often would like to magically erase the ex from the face of the earth. Many of us wish that the first marriage had never happened. In the beginning, there is a tendency for the new mate to want to blame all the problems of that earlier marriage on the ex. Once you live with your mate for a while, I think you get a little more insight into what drove the ex nuts in the first place.

By your post, you sound like your feelings were that the new spouse should just accept that you have the position in the family you always had and she and your ex should accept it or stay away.

This wasn't the impression I got, Lil. She still has a position in the family, but it has changed, at least in relation to one member. It's unfortunate if the new spouse feels uncomfortable about established relationships. OTOH, it would be incredibly arrogant of her to think that a long, rewarding friendship would end simply because she didn't like it.

These two women love and miss each other! Some days, Peg's ex-MIL just wants to look into the face that fought, worked, suffered and baked with her. Sometimes she sees something that she just has to share with Peg. Maybe a picture reminds her of one of the kids growing up. Some days a woman in a supermarket says something just the way Peg would, and she realizes that she really needs to hear Peg's insight, wisdom and wit.

Whereas I'm sure your ex's attitude is more that if he wanted to see you all the time and spend all his family events with you, he'd have just stayed married to you. I don't intend for that to sound mean, just giving you a better idea of his point of view.

Half of me thinks that Peg's ex is acting like a spoiled brat. The other half thinks that his new spouse is deliberately making this difficult for him. Losing people you love is terribly painful, and there is plenty of it in divorce. People make it a lot worse by encouraging their friends and family to "choose" between them.

I have little tolerance for selfish people who make situations difficult for others by saying, "I won't come if (s)he comes." How juvenile! To me, the correct response is always, "I'm sorry. We'll miss you." Adults need to have limits set too, you know. I have never been to a family function (mine or anyone else's) where there was not some tension. What makes anyone think that they should be exempt? You just deal with it.

The ex-MIL can't knuckle under to her son and his wife's attempted tyranny for two reasons. First, Peg became her daughter over the years. She can't cut Peg off just because Peg and her son don't get along anymore. She owes her support to Peg as much as she does to her bioson. Second, Peg became her friend. They worked hard to hammer out a relationship and were rewarded with one that nurtures them both. She owes this friendship to herself, whether her son likes it or not.

[Peg, excuse me if I am reading too much or too little into your relationship. I've got the bit between my teeth.]

Now I'm not suggesting that I think my in-laws do not have the right to invite her to stay as a friend....snip ...and she certainly had no malicious intent in accepting their invitation.

[snip]

Lil, I think you, and some of the other posters, are victims of the converse of the "choose me" problem. It is clear to me* that your MIL decided that she would accept no replacement of her son's ex. If he had walked in with Pamela Anderson, she would have been too slutty. Princess Di would have been too snotty. Mother Teresa would have been too old. You could have walked into that house on water, and you wouldn't have been good enough. The problem is not that she loves the ex. The problem is that she has never given you a chance.

*I have to admit that it surprises even me that I am so confident that I know what is motivating people who live thousands of miles away, and whom I have never met.

I simply don't think I can be faulted for wanting to explain my feelings to her afterward, so that measures could be taken in the future to make these visits more comfortable for everyone.

This sounds like a reasonable plan to me. See how this one goes. You may find you don't care half as much as you thought you would. She may tell you that staying in the same house with her kids and their GPs was more rewarding than anyone expected, and that she can't wait to do it again. Maybe they will drive each other nuts and decide on their own that a little more distance would be in order. Hell, maybe you'll decide to let them stay in your house.

BTW, regarding your earlier post: don't inhale. You'll be really embarrassed if anyone sees you standing out on the patio coughing your guts out.

jane