Jane's Posts

Aug 20 1998

Once again I will explain what I meant by emotional abuse and our intentions...it seems that things keep getting "read into" what I intially posted.

Don't get defensive. I am not trying to criticize you here. I think people are reading their own situations into yours because they don't have enough hard facts. Since none of us know the players personally, we are at a disadvantage.

I still don't feel like I have a clear idea of what "emotional abuse" is going on. When I read your version of other people said, I could go either way. SD could be a real brute. OTOH, Dean could be right: kids can feel that you are abusing them when you tell them to pick up after themselves. Some days I feel that the only interaction I have with my kids is telling them to do something or to stop doing something.

The examples you give just aren't concrete enough. The name-calling, criticizing, "nothing he ever does is right" stuff is just too vague and subjective for me to gauge. It could be, "you'll never amount to anything, you worthless little shit," or "i'm not going to listen to anymore back talk out of your fresh mouth, now go wait in the car." Also, I can't see the child or DH's mother and brother as objective and disinterested witnesses. And I can't tell if there is a pervasive dislike of SF that influences the adults' perception.

Regarding the stereo situation, I have no problem whatsoever imagining a variety of situations in which I would ground my children from using their stereos: bad grades, volume level, inappropriate choice of music, etc. This just sounds like a valid parental choice that a kid might use to manipulate you. Then, I can't help thinking, "Well, if that's the worst he can come up with, things don't sound so bad."

Also, breaking in a new step-parent can be stressful for both children and adults. You don't want to make the situation harder by giving SS the idea that if things aren't automatically perfect, he can just leave.

You say that in general BM takes "excellent care" of SS. That would make me inclined to trust her to deal with this situation. I think you should talk to her directly. If nothing else, she deserves/needs to know that SS is expressing these concerns. Also, you don't want her to hear about it when SS bursts out, "I hate you! I'm leaving. Dad says I can come live with him." Tell her that you are a little worried about some things SS has been saying. Ask her what she thinks the situation is, how she would like you to handle it, and if there is anything you can do to make this all easier for SS. If you approach her with a cooperative, non-accusatory, non-threatening manner, then maybe you can work together as a team.

Good luck.

jane